Suicidal Thoughts.

When I was a kid my parents were allways argueing. My mother was the worst parent, one day she picked me up from school and drove me all the way out to another county called Northfolk where my mum had somehow met this other guy off of a friend and we lived there for two years. She packed up my stuff and we just went. Not saying goodbye to my dad or nothing I didn't know what to think as I was really young and it had affected me so badly! She didn't think about her kids she moreally thought about herself. Anyway, every 2 weeks I could only got to see my dad on the weekend. I was moreally with my mother for all that time. I went to a new school and got nearly bullied everyday and I just feel that I'm cursed sometimes. It put me in such a state I couldn't even talk! Anyway after my mother came to some sense, she moved back down to where we used to lived but rented a house which she should of done in the first place when she got a divorce! I went back to my old school and got bullied on the same day I went back! I didn't even do anything wrong! And It has been like that ever since! My mother was a negative mental person, who put my life in a state I am in now! Majorly Depressed! She kept me in the house and did not allow me out the house at all! Even when I managed to have a girlfriend, she knocked for me one day and my mother just slammed the door! I didn't know what to do, she was majorly over-protective which she couldn't get over! So I couldn't socialise with anyone! My childhood was a wreck! I couldn't go out the house and even today I'm soo scared of the outside world, because of what my mother put me through. She's basically ruined my life! Even today I'm socially awkward and can't connect with people or anything! Everyday I'm depressed and feel like the world hates me! I can't get over my fears! I'm only 17 I was diagnosed with diabetes ( Type 1) at the age of 15 and part of that has affected me! I cry to sleep because I'm not normal like everyone else, I'm even on anti-depressents (Fluoxetine) and keep feeling that they're not working! I've been on them for a month now and haven't had much affect. Only just somedays that I'm happy, but still depressed. I've never even had sex or got drunk or done drugs or anything! I can't do anything by myself, I rely on other people cause I'm not independent! I feel tottally hopeless and feel like I'm getting knowhere! I don't have any self-esteem or confidence because of my mother and I just hate myself everyway possible! Even to a point thats given me suicidal thoughts! I can rarely go out the house on my own and I care way to much about everything that I can't relax. I don't even have many friends either! So I find it extremely hard. I can't even move on from my past It's affected me that much! I worry about that I'm allways doing something wrong, weather It's a day to day thing. Even when I go out I worry about how people percieve me and judge me. I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone! I can't fit in. I find it hard to cope with all thats happened and the only way I feel to get rid of it is to commit suicide. Sometimes I just wish I was never even born.
Hellfire57 Hellfire57
22-25, M
Jan 17, 2013