Running Out Of Time
I recently turned 16, but I feel like every second of every day, I'm just... dying. I can't stop thinking about the future and how terrifying getting older is, and dying. I think, oh, well I'm young now, but in JUST TWO YEARS I'll be 18, and then I'll either get a job or go to college just so I can get a job, and even if I have great plans by then everything will probably just be building up to those plans. Like, "I'm going to travel the country with my best friend! But before that I have to raise the money to." and then not doing it because it doesn't feel stable... I want to experience everything and I feel like I'm just frittering my time away being scared. I really want to enjoy being a teenager but I have to worry about the future and college and saving up for things. I really want to not think about the fact that I'm 4 years away from 20, which at best will mark 1/4 or so of my life. That's 25% of my tiny sliver of waking consciousness just... gone. I think a lot about how my lifetime is just a little blip on the radar of the history of our universe and our galaxy, and how I came from pretty much nothing and one day I will lose all consciousness and become nothing again, and soon enough after that (relatively) I might as well have not existed at all. I WANT to believe in an afterlife but I can't bring myself to somehow... It just hurts so much to think about. And then I start questioning the nature of my existence and if it even qualifies as an existence at all. And I just hurt all the time and I can't stop thinking about how I'm pretty much almost dead and just... I wish I could stop thinking about it but I can't. And I feel like I'm missing out on so much.