My Life In College

I am a 20 year old college student. I am in my third year of school and have been having trouble since I started. I had a horrible roommate situation my first year where I was accused of being a racist since my roommates were black, and I told on them for smoking weed inside after I asked them to stop (this happened for about three weeks straight before I did anything). I got in trouble when I was younger with a minor, and I had a lot riding on my grades so I was very nervous to get in trouble or kicked out of school. They threatened to beat me, poured salt on my food in the fridge and stole money from me. I had met no new friends during my first year at school.

My second year was better but my roommate had an extreme anxiety problem and would start crying and having attacks out of nowhere while I barely knew her. She stopped going to classes after the first month, and slept constantly for the next two months. I could not turn on lights or turn off the TV at night as she liked to sleep with it on. She randomly moved out that November without telling me--I just came home and her stuff was gone.

This year I am living with my boyfriend whom I have been dating for over three years. He is a good person and tries to help me the best he can, but sometimes it is not enough. I have issues with anger, but have tried taking different anxiety and depression medications for about a year now. None of them have worked 100% (I am on my fourth with the highest dose possible). Reasons this could have been is that I have stopped taking them a couple of times because I don't even have the drive to take a pill. My doctor thinks that I have jumped back into a depressive state, but this time it is different.

I have never gone through depression without tears. Before I would lay down and cry for hours, literally. My first two years of college I would hide in my closets as I had panic attacks and then cried myself to sleep. I have had a history with panic attacks that seem to have gotten worse during my years in college. They don't happen as often as they used to, but when they do, they are violent and messy.

Last year and this year I have not done well with school. My grades are crap compared to my first semester of my first year making the dean's list with a 3.8 gpa. My gpa is now 3.02. I don't do my homework, I don't clean my house, I don't take care of myself. All I do is sleep. I sleep and sit on the computer and watch TV. It sounds a lot like just being lazy (which is probably true) but I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything. I don't want to meet anybody, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to lay there, here.

I have gained about 30 pounds since this last summer. Last year I actually lost about 20 pounds during this same time of year. I worked in retail then and bought the majority of my wardrobe---nothing fits anymore. This was also when I found my passion for shopping.

I got a credit card this last fall and have spent close to $4000 on that alone. It is extremely difficult to control my spending, but I am very careful with the cost of items. I am very budget savvy and find it thrilling to find a deal. I can find clothes for $2, but end up buying 10, 20, 30 of them at a time. It is hard for me to say no to myself.

I need to find a way to control myself and get back on track. This computer is here sitting in front of me, and I keep checking ebay and amazon. It is 4AM and I will probably sleep until 4PM today. I will probably not do any homework, and may even fail another class this semester. I am so close to graduating on time. Next spring, 2014 is when I get my degree. Though if I fail even one more class, I will not graduate on time. I need to get my life together.