Is This It For Me??

So heres the deal.. i started shooting heroin regularly at 17. I also shoot cocaine occasionally. When i was a young teen i was a regular pot smoker. Now im 24. I have been in and out of "recovery" since 20. I can put together a few weeks/months clean but i always go back. Ive tried rehabs, detoxes, theraputic communities and NA/AA. Most recently, about 3 weeks ago, in the midst of a bad heroin habit again after 9 months clean i decided that probation was wrong and another detox was NOT going to help me. So i quit my job, packed a suitcase and flew 1200 miles away from my hometown to live with an ex girlfriend and get clean. I spent a week kicking dope on her couch before realizing there was a reason she was an ex and i had to go. So i moved all the way across the state into a "sober living community." Now i had 3 weeks clean moving into said "sober living" but being that i dont have a vehicle (because of my drug usage) i couldnt check the place out before having Mom pay for it and moving in. So i arrive at my new home to find out my mom just paid my rent to live in a crack house. Im in a terrible neighborhood, from what ive seen in just the half a day ive been here. I dont know ANYONE and dont have a single friend or family member closer than an hour away. With the help of my new housemates ive already managed to shoot some crack since ive been here and now its 2am and i am laying in bed terribly depressed and alone. I want to die. Im so sick of being an addict. My 21 year old sister is getting married, having a baby and buying a house and here i am, 24 years old with nothing to my name but a suitcase full of clothes and a warrant in my homestate. Ive been looking but cant find a job. I HATE my new house. Im to ashamed to call my mom and tell her the place that looked so beautiful and promising on the internet is really a terrible, drug infested, cockroach infested house and that ive already ****** up. Oh and even worse, i bought the drugs with the money my mom western union'd to me so i could grocery shop and take busses, because she was so happy i chose to come to a sober house. I think im rambling but i cant straighten out my thoughts.. partly because im coming down and partly because i just want to ******* scream and end this misery. I have dreams. I want to own things like a house and a car and have a nice family with a good, catholic girl and wonderful kids. But im starting to think i am going to be alone and using until the day i die. Which i only pray comes sooner rather than later. Someone help me. Please.
TooFarGoneAKALost TooFarGoneAKALost
22-25, M
3 Responses Feb 19, 2013

Florida is a crazy place. Believe me, I live there. I'm not dealing with drug addiction but I have other addictions of my own. You feel like you can escape and the minute you're on a good track somehow you convince yourself it's ok. Then you hate yourself for doing it, so you do it again to remove the hate from your mind. I get it..... I could sit here and tell you to just stop doing it. But I know you can't, not do you really want to or else you would have. All I know is if you really have those dreams, and you really want that life. Then you'll do it. That's what I started to do. I got a job, and a second job. Found help from who I could. Everyday is hard, but I want the house and the marriage and the babies more. You just have to decide what means more to you. I've cried a lot, wanted to give up an give in. But so far I've done good.

I don't know anything about addiction, but I do know about depression. It screws with your ability to make decisions. You want to get better, you're trying. That says a lot.
I don't know what's available for you, but I would look for a free or cheap counselling service to help deal with the feelings of depression and help stablise yourself to keep fighting the addictions.

I cant relate to the drug abuse so I cant really give you any good advise on it. Honestly, I dont know what to say. I have pushed myself in shitholes many times and felt miserable. I think you should tell your mom that you need to shift houses. She will be disappointed but honestly, you cant go on like this. She will be happy when you are clean and you live a happier life. Like you said you have dreams and you want a better life. You already are trying to change, just hold on a little longer. You will be fine.

Id like to hope so.. the problem is money tho. My mom isnt rich and the months rent it cost me to move in here YESTERDAY isnt refundable. Also, i dont know if moving would help much anyway. I got out of a bad, drug infested neighborhood in a shithole part of NY.. Right now im in south florida, essentially what i always considered paradise (blue water, white sand beaches, palm trees) and i still manage to find trouble. Now im just in a bad, drug infested neighborhood in a shithole part of "paradise."