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I Feel Like A Ghost

I feel so worthless. I have no one. All my life I been entirely alone. My parents are abusive drunk losers. I had to teach my self everything I know, even though my parents aren't even dead. My birthday was 2 days ago. I spend it crying the whole day. Like every year. It's like a big slap in the face, the day you came into existence. Of a existence I never wanted. More like a double slap. Seeing how I have no one to even celebrate that day with. I saw this lady having a tantrum over not getting the color balloons she wanted for her party. And the only thing I wanted was someone to look me in the face and say happy birthday. I wanted to see if someone actully cared about me. But just like every year nothing. I want to know what it feels like to be loved. I keep aging and my life is going no where. I hate it! Why do all the good people always the ones getting hurt in life. If I was a ***** I'll have everything in more. I don't want to age no more, I don't want to live no more. I'm tired of trusting people and just end up being hurt. I'm so pathetic that i'm posting something on the internet cause I got no one to even talk to. I don't even know what a friend feels like, what love feels like. I'm just a numb shell of a person. I want everything to stop hurting. I can't deal no more.
BrokenDead BrokenDead 18-21, F 28 Responses Jun 11, 2010

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Hey, ur not alone i feel the same way, but my parents aren't alcoholics. My mom is a racist but she wont admit it, and my father doesnt live with me. its like my family is at a war with eachother and i kant really konnect with anyone, also i have no klose friends that i kould talk to also. so if you need to talk im here for you

Happy belated birthday:(

do not feel like that sweety im your friend now and you can feel happy f u want that happiness come from inside not from ppl so make your happiness by your self don't wait any thing from anyone ... by the way happy B.D :(

I feel as if. Am a spirit. Walking in this empty vessel. Tryin to reach some sourt of serenity to feel existant. I feel chosen. For something. Like i can see into a 1000 eyes. And every smile holds a bold faced lie- slipknot. Music is the only attahment i have to thos world. What connects us himans togeher spiritualy ; when religion has failed a person. Truth be told. Being alone is what keeps you safe. Explore solo in this life with out grasping hand. Justa finger is needed to loft me from terony. But i stoll have troubles trying to believe. In me. God. In anyone. Because everything you see. Pain. Its an illision. Nothing is real. To the himan brain. Everything is real. I dont see anything the same since ive been projecting my feeling into my music. Givingme some sense of relatablity to one another. I cant seem to care. Because soon. This world will be a forest of the dead.

Iv'e just discovered a group called ASCA. Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. I'm in Australia and we only have workshops with them but in America they run support groups I have a similar background to yours and I've found them really helpful. Good luck and never give up just because your parents were unable to care doesn't mean you are doomed to an unhappy life. May you find the strength to reach out for help and to keep reaching out, that is how we heal and it is scary. If something doesn't feel right move on, learn to trust yourself and your intuition. I am sure that growing up in such a home you are very intuitive and sensitive.
I wish you much courage on your journey.

I see. Have you ever tried doing something for yourself? Like read a lot and try not to feel sorry for your self. That is what makes you weak. I know sometimes it;s inevitable, but you have to stop it. When you realize this, you gather the power to resolve the problem, and try and get a job or make new friends, or do anything, even if it takes to go in another country and chasing your dream. If you don't have dreams, make them. Just never give up. I will never ever give up-that is what got me out of the depression. Also, be careful. About everything and everyone while chasing your dreams. You can do it. I did it.

I know what you are feeling. I grew up in a similar home. What has helped me the most has been al anon there is also alateen. These groups helped me understand my feelings. It helped that people understood how I felt. I still feel lonely at times but it is nothing compared to how i used to feel. Be brave reach out the sooner you do it the better. You deserve a good life. there are many good people in the world. Good Luck

you are not alone dear

when i was 3 i was in a boys home in mittagonge i really Do know how u feel. In my life i have found that life has a why of "kicking your arse" when u most need it. maybe its a inbuilt thing but i keep surviving, so why??? in reality i want 2 die

Please don't give up. I think you'd be a very lovely person to get along with, because you care very much about relating to other people, rather than superficial things like balloons haha. :) You just need to go places that give you opportunities to meet people, like groups/clubs at college or something. If you try joining up with groups of people with similar interests, you should be able to meet people who make you happy. :)

It's best if you try not to think too much about how nervous you are, or what you should say or do. Just try to talk to people about what interests you, and what interests them, too. :)

First of all my name is Jennifer and I can be your friend. Happy belated birthday. I know how it feels to walk the world alone and feel small. However wanting your life to end isn't the answer. You would not only be dead you would miss out on life, you need to reach out to yourself and find yourself and do what makes you happy. For me its a magazine and good music on my mp3 player. I pray you find your inner peace. (((hugs)))

Good luck to you I hope tomorrow is a better day God Bless

Im sorry you feel this way know life can be hard at times. I think lots of people in this world are feeling the same as you. Maybe you are looking for a purpose to allow you to feel loved and needed. Which we all need. Please try joining Community groups in your area and get involved with people your age. Im sure theres something out there for you. Please seek proffessional help. Talk to someone who you feel comfortable with. You take care and be Strong Gook luck to you

I live with a whole in my heart. The pain got unbearable to the point ive turned psychotic to avoid emotion/pain/fear except of course the illogical ones that come from having anxiety/depression disorder. I to was not loved and when i got older the love of my life didnt feel the same. I dont know for sure how true it is that im only alive because of my children. Maybe it is idk. I love them so much. Smoke a joint, think of some funny **** that goes on in this effed up world and smile.

I live with a whole in my heart. The pain got unbearable to the point ive turned psychotic to avoid emotion/pain/fear except of course the illogical ones that come from having anxiety/depression disorder. I to was not loved and when i got older the love of my life didnt feel the same. I dont know for sure how true it is that im only alive because of my children. Maybe it is idk. I love them so much. Smoke a joint, think of some funny **** that goes on in this effed up world and smile.

I hope you're still alive! I so relate.

i know how you feel.ifeel like im dying from lonleyness inside and out.i feel like if i died no one would realy care.i have social anxiety and severe shyness to point i never realy had serious g/f.never been with a woman.i feel pathetic.i yearn for a womans intament tough or affection.i literaly get like im having a lonleyness anxiety attack.ive never been with a woman niether pathetic i no.

I'm very sorry for you. My circumstances are pretty bad too. The good thing is you're very young and there is a lot you can do to make your life better. There's no shame in writing about this on here. It's a good place to find support and to find that you're not alone. Have you seen a therapist or joined a support group or seen a doctor. You may have clinical depression or something that they could help you with. Take care.

Dear Broken Dead; I can totally relate to the feelings that you speak of. And the strange thing is that I Have a family. People will let you down, but you have to realize that, expect it, and try to let it go. If you don't get what you need from the people you are around-move on to a new circle of people. Maybe you haven't even tried to make friends? It is tough, I know, because u get to the point where you don't even feel like trying any more. But, I can assure you that there is a place for you in this world; you simply haven't found it yet. There are plenty of people who would like you for a friend-you have to search them out. They are not likely to come looking for you! Go to church,any church, to get some unconditional love. If that doesn't work, go to another one. Are you on antidepressants? Believe me they can make a huge difference. Some of us will suffer loneliness and sadness forever if we don't take medication. You have worth just because you exist. You don't have to do a thing to earn that value-it is already there because you are were made by the creator of the world and he loves you always, no matter what. I urge you to love yourself! If nobody else loves you it is because they don't know you! And if they don't want to know you, it is their loss! Find kind and decent people to associate with. Best of luck to you, and much love!

Don't get depressed, stay hungry for life, remain curious, try to learn something, explore. You won a lottery already by being human and you won it second time by living during a time when our civilization just started prospering with technology and art. I am sorry that your family life wasn't as much of a win, but don't let it stop you from enjoying your other prizes xD. Treat you life like a ticket to Disney, try seeing as much as you can, learning about the world you've been born into and using you abilities to their limit. Yes you have abilities, indeed, abilities that of intellect, sensuality, vision, hearing and emotion. Those may sound like very ordinary abilities, because everybody else possessed them since the dawn of men, but you acquired them only recently and probably hardly even ever questioned their purpose. Correctly you may thought, that those abilities are ordinary in their fundamental initial state, but history showed again and again that greatness awaits those who take their abilities beyond what was believed possible! Living in this strange world, with our strange abilities you may notice other people around you with similar or better "tickets" to life, but they are just like you visitors and strangers to this world and they know no less or more when you do. Some of them were mislead into thinking that they have all the answers, so they stopped asking and they may live unknowingly to the end of their days. It is those people that are usually bitter and mean to others. Don't let their fogged views cloud you view of this world and self, don't let anybody make you feel ordinary. Your life is very unique, to others you are just a person, but to yourself, you are the world. Because when you will be gone the world will disappear in front of your eyes and to your surprise you would miss it very much if only you could. Don't squander you days by feeling sorry for yourself, there are better thing to do: explore yourself and the world.<br />
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Vlad

Thank you key. I just wished I wasn’t born. There’s not one second that goes by when I’m not in distressed. I’m stuck surrounded by people that wants me dead. Physical abuse is nothing compare to mental. It’s the mental abused that do more damage in the long run. I’m sinking more and more into pain. I can feel death coming on.

darkstarangel thankyou. I'm here if you need someone too

avibot thats very true. But no matter how much I try it never gets better. But thanks

im really srry ill try n help if u need it ill always love to talk to someone

ak315 Thank you. I really wish I had my health. But I don’t got that either.

Thank you darlinsam for caring enough to comment. Yes I had always had to raise my self. There is no things I want. Nor do I have the money. I just think it’s too late for me.

hey there i know what it feels like to have alcoholic parents. you have had to raise your self haven't you? that sucks. so keep raising yourself. treat your self to a bday present. what ever would make you feel better. you can have friends on here! don't know how long you have been here but i like it a lot there are some awesome ppl here! just keep plugging away hun i know it is so very hard but you are strong. i know you are because you made it this far on your own. holler at me if you want to chat! good luck and hugs to you!

life can be tough and it seems you have been through one. <br />
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but remember no matter how bad life gets there is always someone worse off than you :) glass is always half full.<br />
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you got your health. think of those who dont even have that. <br />
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happy beleted birthday btw :) and i ll wish you on your birthdays if it makes you feel happier.