I Shouldnt Feel Like This.

Im lonely. Really lonely.
Not something any of my friends would expect from me. At school and whenever Im around people Im the one everyone wants to be around, Im a social butterfly. The only one who really knows is my boyfriend/best friend... and at times he seems to know me better then I know myself. Ive always noticed those times when I dont want to talk to anyone and get down for no reason, but figured everyone had those times.
He brought it up one time.. and said it wasnt normal.. Hes been depressed for 9 years, and hes only 15. If anyone knows the signs it would be him. The more we talked about it the more I realized how the symptoms related to me..
At least he has a reason to be depressed. He was separated from his mother to live with his abusive father when he was only 6. After that things just never seemed to get better for him. But why would I be? My parents have always been together. And since I started high school my social life has blossomed.
All I know is that I cant open up to people.. no matter how much I want to. I dont talk to friends often outside of school, and I dont have adults to talk to in my life, no close family members, family friends, or teachers. My biggest fear is being emotionally alone in the world.. I honesly dont think anyone cares, and I dont know why..

I was really close to just deleting all this. And it probly wont do anything for me by posting it.. but what do I have to lose..
MaddieRae MaddieRae
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 9, 2010

It's not that uncommon to feel alone, especially as a teenager things just dont seem to add up to us. I still have times I go through these swings.<br />
<br />
I'm kind of the same as you I guess... no one minded talking to me at school, but behind my back I always heard stories of them calling me a creeper, that's why none of the girls at my school would go out with me, heck I never got a prom date lol. I even had one of my friends txt a girl to ask her if she though I was creeper, 2 seconds later he got "HECK YES!". Then of course she denied it to my face, I'd rather they just tell me it I hate **** being said behind my back.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure I can completely relate to you, the only girlfriend I had was 4 months ago, and she was depressed constantly because she felt as if no one cared, however it was mainly her fault since she cheated on her best friend when they went out.<br />
<br />
All I can say is that it is a universal feeling to feel alone, and it's hard to keep the demons at bay. Just know that you have a boyfriend there for you, talk to him about it more it will help. Those people who you dont hang out with outside of school, call them up, take the initiative and see if they wanna hang out.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately whenever I ask someone, especially girls, to hang out... even my "best friend" at the time would always say she was busy. You're still in highschool, try your best to have fun with people. If one rejects you move on to another friend, until you find someone who truly cares. Trust me, you dont want to end highschool the way I did, do you're best to be happy even when you are sad.<br />
<br />
If you ever need to talk more, well I will do my best to help.