Im On The Verge Of Giving Up.

Im 17,  My life hasnt been that good as it goes.  My parents have always favoured my older sister, for various different reasons.  It never really bugged me much until I turned into a teenager. Im quite short, 5'0 to be exact and I dont have the pretty blonde hair, tanned skin and blue eyes that my mother and my sister have.  Infact Im the complete opppsite, with dark hair and, dark green eyes and fair skin. I am also quite willowy and slender.  I find myself longing for my sisters curves.  My Mother and my sister always took note of the fact  that I am different and made me feel insecure and outcast  I am different to most girls, I am quite blunt and get nervous and flustered easiy, My interests are also different to other girls.  At school I have a few, very good friends  They look upon me as their cute, happy friend.  Im always the person they flock to for a laugh or if their sad, I always stay positive for them. Im just not sure If I can do it anymore.

About two years ago, I met a boy. He was four years older than me, making him very interesting.  I have had my fair share of male followers but id never really taken any notice until now.  Me and this guy, we really hit it off. He was different and it felt like he knew who i was, even tho I didnt really know myself. We had a loving realationship for 14 months, It was wonderful and I felt he was the only one that cared. It all ended eventually, as all good things do.  I was heartbroken and spiraled into a deep dark place. The relationship had been sexual from the fifth month onwards and it was sweet and loving.  We were both eachothers firsts.  A few weeks after the relationship ended I discovered I was pregnant with his child.  When I told him, He acted like a changed man.  He panicked and deserted me.  I felt so alone, the man I loved did not care that I was having his baby and did not love me.  I tried to stay positive but it was very, very difficult.  Things made a turn for the worse when I had a miscarriage and discovered that Im Baron.  I cannot concieve children, and If I do manage to, it is very likely that they will die at an early stage in the woumb.  I was numb, I wanted to die.  My parents kicked me out soon after and I am staying with my best friend.  I had tried to kill myself a few times after, which I am not proud of.  I am not a showy person and like to keep to myself, so It was very out of character to do this.
I still cannot manage to open up, or get close to anyone.  I hurt more everyday and feel like nobody can ever truly understand the way I work.  I feel I will Be on my own forever.  There have been other boys who are interested and want to make me feel good again, But I cant stand the thought of having to let anyone in. I am so lonely even tho I am surrounded by friends.  My family have not even asked once If I am okay, or if I need to talk.  It hurts more than anything I know.  I feel It is selfish to feel this way, when there are so many awful things happening to people in the world.  I am just a ghost of my former self.  I feel like just giving up and leaving this world behind.
greeneyedcookie greeneyedcookie
5 Responses Jul 20, 2010

You probably won't read this but i want to help. It seems you subconsciously put a wall up btwn you and other because you endured such a tragedy in your life. Lose that wall before you fall further into despair. Tell someone what's on your mind that is close to you. I think you shouldn't give up now your life has only just begun. And i'm sry your family fails to give you the attention you so deserve but in a situation like this i think you should say "who needs them" and move on with your life. I know it's wrong to do this to your family but look where they drove you to. Don't hate them though ..plz don't do that day they'll understand what they did was wrong. And im sry you can't have kids.. i dont what to say hear except sry.. b/c as a guy what can i say?

Dark hair, dark eyes, and pale skin? Sounds beautiful! Plus, have you seen the Urban Outfitters catalog? Willowy is an understatement.<br />
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I'm sorry you hurt right now, but the nature of existence is change! Look at which parts of your situation are permanent, and which parts you can change. <br />
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I don't believe in soul mates, but I do think everyone can find a person who loves and understands them. It's a good thing you didn't get married to this guy before you found out what a flake he is.<br />
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Please try to find your silver lining while you wait for this storm to pass.

Your story is so sad... Ive also stoped getting close to people afraid of being hurt..Im older than you are and made a lot of wrong choices for the right reasons..One thing in life is for sure tomarrow is another day anything can happen..We all have that special someone out there looking for us Just as we are looking for them...Just have faith.....

You really think so? Ive been hoping that for so long now.

If you hurt more everyday then enjoy today because it's the best day of your life. Don't give up because things will get better.