Boyfriendless, As AlwaysMost people probably think I'm a normal girl, with quite a few friends. That's just a front. I try my best to make myself look social on Facebook, but in truth I spend most of my time alone. Most of my friends on Facebook don't really know me. I pretend I like being alone a lot and that it doesn't bother me, because I'm writing my book, or I just need a lot of downtime, but it really hurts when I see and hear about all the fun things everyone else is doing. This year on Canada Day while everyone else was dressing up in red and white, and having fun with their friends, I just stayed home, cringing every time I heard fireworks. I felt so alone then. The same thing happens on New Years and Valentine's Day, and most other holidays. Don't get me started on my birthday.
I would make lots of friends at school, but I went to private school, and when my "friends" began to find out that I'm not rich like them, and I'm from a different neighborhood than they were, they would stop being my friend. They would come to my house, and act normal, but then make fun of me and my house behind my back.
I've never had a boyfriend in my life, and I'm eighteen years old. People tell me that I'm beautiful, and men will stare at me and approach me, but it never seems to work out for me. I tell everyone my mom wouldn't let me date before, and that I'm newly on the market, but it's a lie. When guys hit on me, I act like my not ever having a boyfriend is no big deal to me, and I act strong. Inside I'm so weak, sad, and lonely. I've been hurt and used by guys and girls. Most guys just want me for sex, but I want to fall in love.
For the first time in my life, I think a guy may be falling for me. But I've gotten my hopes up so many times before only to have them crushed. I'm praying so hard that it'll work out this time, because I don't think I can take much more of this loneliness. I want a boyfriend so bad. I just want to be held, and kissed and loved like everyone else. I want to bake my boyfriend cookies and nurture him when he's sick. I see these girls treating their boyfriends so poorly, but I would treat mine like gold, because I will be so thankful for him. Maybe God is putting me through this pain to make me more loving. You know like the saying I had to be friendless to learn how to be a friend? I'm just so sick of feeling like I'm a piece of crap, because nobody wants me as their girlfriend, and so scared that I'll always be alone.
loubelle87 18-21, F 9 Responses 0 Aug 4, 2010