Im Just Exhausted
so okay, here goes. i have never done anything like this. and honestly no offense to anyone who posts about this kind of thing or vents/rants online or whatever ( im doing the same thing) but i felt like people who did do this were just too weak to do anything " real" about there problems. but obviously my mind has changed. this is going to be a long one, ive kept a lot to myself and i just need someone, anyone to hear it. take some of this weight of my head. so first a little about me. im 19. i moved to america when i was around 5. i started school late since i just got to the country, so i was already older than the other kids. on top of this, i was kept back since back in the day my school had no ESL, they kind of just pushed me back for the other teachers to deal with .growing up surrounded by people 1 or 2 years younger than me didnt feel strange. i grew up with the same mentality as the other kids. i didnt feel any different, i actually fit in pretty well. i made friends and had a pretty normal childhood. when things started going south was the summer i was 10. that whole summer i just had this depression. my mom thought it was because i wasnt seeing my friends but i knew it was something else. i just couldnt put it into words so i never told anyone how i really felt. ever since that summer ive just been keeping everything to myself. fast forward to now. i have never had a girlfriend, im not exagerating because i feel bad or anything, it just never happened. im in my senior year, ive tried so hard but i cant synchronize with my school. everyone is just so... high school. i dont want to sound like im better than anyone, or more intellectual. trust me i know how pathetic my situation is im not trying smooth it over. it just doesnt seem like anyones problems are genuine or important. everytime i sit in on a conversation its just piles of **** falling out of peoples mouths. everyone gossips and just acts so stupid, and the most annoying part is that they convinced themselves, i mean they completely made themselves BELIEVE that it all means something. that theyre stupid problems are significant at all. i dont say anything because i know for a fact that after you grow up the things that seemed important arent going to seem so important later in life. what angers me so much is that im stuck in the middle of it all when i should be out of it by now. most older people, or even younger people, reading this might feel like my problems are just as stupid, i know this. so all of this school stuff would be okay if i just wasnt in the same state of mind you know? its like i can see that all of this crap is pointless but im in the same shitpool as all these other people. i cant say anything because in reality im looking down on these kids but im just a big manchild myself. i hope this makes sense to whoever bothered to keep reading. im not going to be in the yearbook because i just dont see anyone bothering to remember me. im practically a ghost, always have been. a couple people have heard of me here and there but no one really gives a **** you know? im definitely not going to prom because i have no date or even a potential date. my grades are completely ****. i see no way to fix the mess ive made of my high school career,. i just barely make it along every year. i told myself that this senior year would be different but, once again ive completely ****** my own life up. ive made consciously terrible decisons and as a result ive burned my future away. i dont have any real friends there, or anywhere to be truthful. no one my age. i dont have anyone i can tell anything to. i should add that my family is amazing. my parents love me to death and would die for me but i just want more than that. i just need my own life. i understand that im very lucky to have a family thats still together and cares for me but i need more than that, i need people my age and mindset, sometimes parents cant give you that, especially foreign parents. i want to connect with someone on a truly significant level, which brings me to another dreaded topic. Girls, women, females. in the end this is the root of my depression. like i said i have never had a girlfriend. i hate people who seem to just whine endlessly about how miserable thier love lives are so ill try to not sound like that. i have never kissed, had sex with, held, hugged or even held hands in any romantic way with a girl ever. i have had friends that are girls, not one took me seriously as a romantic interest at all. all i see around me is people playing couples. they date for a while, mostly trying to get laid, then move on. which is okay, to each his/her own i guess. everyone i know is kind of shallow when it comes to the opposite sex. personally i think that just being with a girl, i mean like just having her there to hold is exremely satisfying. everyone seems just so focused on how close they are to getting into some girls pants, thats what they look forward to, its like tunnel vision. i never had sex or been in a relationship for 19 years of my life. believe me when i say i know what blue balls feels like. so i dont know if a lot of people feel this way or not but when i think of me in a relationship with someone, my goals would be different in that i would be looking for how intimate i get with someone. how close i am to truly knowing the essence of that person, for me an accomplished relationship isnt when i have sex with her or get some kind of sexual favor, its when i know the deepest corners of that person, and they know me inside and out as well. i want that feeling so bad it hurts physically. and after all this time just watching everyone around me have an opportunity at these awesome relationships and they just treat these girls like garbage, it kills me. and its a complete mystery to me how much girls love to be maltreated. its like they crave horrible relationships. they get used and thrown away and they immediately run into another similiar situation. im no george clooney but im not ugly. im fat, but not obese, im like seth roegen halfway through his diet. ( best image i could come up with) i know that this is not the reason i cant get a girlfriend, i know and have seen so many uglier dudes than me with stunning women so i dont think that that is a huge obstacle, although it does kill my confidence which is already dangerously low at this point. i spend a lot of time alone. im a huge loner. as the years went by i just kind of fill into this abysmal existence. i constantly berate myself sometimes with no intent to or i even do it subconciously, its just become a habit during the years. i know its bad and that the first step to change is to get rid of it but its there and my self hatred has grown pretty big and scary. ive bottled up so much over the years that it feels like a depression tumor inside me. i can honestly say that i hate myself. i dont like who i am and have told myself more times than i can remember that im going to change my life. but after so many failed tries and meaningless hope for a better future im just tired. sometimes i get really bad, like ill feel completely empty. i wont feel extremely sad but just so intensely destroyed inside that i dont feel anything. i feel completely numb and monotonous. totally void of emotion, and it genuinely scares me. which brings me to something i will never have the balls to say in person to anyone. i hve been having some crazy suicide thoughts. theyll come into my head out of nowhere. ill just be waiting for the train and when its coming ill long to just hop in front of it.ill just think about how good it would feel to not live like this anymore. to not have to think the things i htink and feel how i feel. i imagine how relieving it would be to not have all of these emotions and no one to share it with. im too scared to actually do it and too weak to actually do anything to change it. everyday i wake up and just think, ****, another day of being me. ill wake up and it will feel like instead of waking up from a nightmare im opening my eyes into one. the days would drag on before but now everything seems like it just bleeds on to the next day. i go to school where i put this mask on like im fine with everyhtin. im constantly reminded that my high school years are almost over and the real world is right around the corner. which kills me because i know how pathetically unprepared i am. then all day i drag myself through halls full of people holding hands, kissing and laughing at stupid jokes and all these crazy *** kids who dont even know how ****** they are when they leave the safety off those walls. i sit through classes and lectures of **** i should already know but am too arrogant and lazy to pay attention through. then walk home, alone for the billionth time in my life and head to work which is a huge tourist attraction and get blasted in the face with more images of happy couples holding each other while i make them thier food. i just stand and watch everyone with thier groups of friends and their insanely hot girlfriends and just generally happy people walking around like the goddamned sun comes out just for them. then i drag my self home and just wallow in all of this **** until hopefully, i fall asleep. before i could deal with all this, but lately im just tired all the time. nothing interests me. i have no skills or talents. nothing to be proud or passionate of. im completely dead inside. but for some reason i just cant for the life of me even begin to explain, i still feel like something is going to happen. that something, ANYTHING, is going to click and my life is going to change. it doesnt look like it but i just cant help feeling like i should just hold on. its the only thing that keeps me going and i dont even know what it is, its just a feeling. so lately ive just been trying to slowly pick up the pieces. ive accepted the fact that im stuck in high school and the only way is too just get it over with, ive made it this far right? and im trying to look into community college, my plan is to transfer out into the school i really want to go to. im trying to change my personality but i dont even know where to begin. it would be easier for me to roll over and just let the world **** on me but that feeling i have just wont go away. i have a huge road ahead of me but, i truly want to get out on the other side of this a completely different person. i want to look back at this stage in my life and be able to say wow, ive come a long way. hope is nearly gone and my life is in shambles but, im still trudging along. thanks so very much for hearing me vent and good luck to anyone with their own stuff going on. as much as things seem like they're spiraling out of reality, jut try to keep focused, hopefully we can find ourselves again.