It Hurts

I am alone. I'm always alone. I'm afraid I'll always be alone. All around me the people I have in my life are happy and "in love". I'm stuck by myself. I meet someone I really like, then I freak out and ruin everything. I don't think I know HOW to be with someone in a committed relationship. I am beginning to think I will be alone forever. My biggest fear. Usually people who fear being alone forever are the ones who are serial monogamists. Not me. I get sort of close to someone, get scared shitless and throw up walls in the blink of an eye. I have no idea why, either. Why can't I get out of my own way and be happy? Being alone all of the time and never having a significant other is causing me to do stupid things. Then I hate myself for being stupid. In the end I'm still alone and it makes me depressed. Granted, there are quite a few other things in my life that cause me to be depressed, but not having one thing to lean on from time to time makes it that much harder. All I want is to have someone that makes my heart feel whole. Someone that I can just lay with and feel completely at ease. 

Worst of all I think I ruined something that could have been exactly what I want. I am beginning to think I don't deserve something so wonderful as love and companionship. I need a break from life. I want to curl up in a ball in the dark somewhere. At least then I can tell myself I'm alone because no one can find me. 
BlissfulDreamer BlissfulDreamer
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 9, 2012

I feel exactly thesame way i have only truly been in love once in my life time and when she ended it i wished i would die to end the pain. But i believe time heals all things so in time i'm sure you'll find the person that makes you his world and can't live without you.

I feel for you, wish I could ease your pain, focus on the positives around you, relax, google meditation / happy music, close your eyes and think of happy things, it works.<br />
The other thing is you are a young woman, you are allowed to be picky, but dont get too picky, sounds like you are getting a choice of men, if one seems like a pretty good fit, take him, keep him, dont push them away hoping maybe Mr. perfect is around the corner, try a relationship, try a few months at least, you will grow and learn. peace to you .x