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It Hurts

I am alone. I'm always alone. I'm afraid I'll always be alone. All around me the people I have in my life are happy and "in love". I'm stuck by myself. I meet someone I really like, then I freak out and ruin everything. I don't think I know HOW to be with someone in a committed relationship. I am beginning to think I will be alone forever. My biggest fear. Usually people who fear being alone forever are the ones who are serial monogamists. Not me. I get sort of close to someone, get scared shitless and throw up walls in the blink of an eye. I have no idea why, either. Why can't I get out of my own way and be happy? Being alone all of the time and never having a significant other is causing me to do stupid things. Then I hate myself for being stupid. In the end I'm still alone and it makes me depressed. Granted, there are quite a few other things in my life that cause me to be depressed, but not having one thing to lean on from time to time makes it that much harder. All I want is to have someone that makes my heart feel whole. Someone that I can just lay with and feel completely at ease. 


Worst of all I think I ruined something that could have been exactly what I want. I am beginning to think I don't deserve something so wonderful as love and companionship. I need a break from life. I want to curl up in a ball in the dark somewhere. At least then I can tell myself I'm alone because no one can find me. 
BlissfulDreamer BlissfulDreamer 22-25, F 3 Responses Feb 9, 2012

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Sweetie don't feel like that, Sooner or later your gonna meet the right guy. Sometimes we have to go through the rain before we see the sunshine. Keep your head up and always remember your not alone.

I feel exactly thesame way i have only truly been in love once in my life time and when she ended it i wished i would die to end the pain. But i believe time heals all things so in time i'm sure you'll find the person that makes you his world and can't live without you.

I feel for you, wish I could ease your pain, focus on the positives around you, relax, google meditation / happy music, close your eyes and think of happy things, it works.<br />
The other thing is you are a young woman, you are allowed to be picky, but dont get too picky, sounds like you are getting a choice of men, if one seems like a pretty good fit, take him, keep him, dont push them away hoping maybe Mr. perfect is around the corner, try a relationship, try a few months at least, you will grow and learn. peace to you .x