I'm Not Depressed

I'm not at all depressed just lonely as hell. I know exactly how I got to this point, it is through circumstances but also my personality too. I married my now husband in Scotland in October 2010, we relocated, or rather I relocated to where he was based with the Armed Forces (Ireland) I have a 10yr old son from a previous relationship which lets say was very oppressive and extremly strenious. When I got married in 2010 it was so exciting, I was in love (still am) I could not wait for us to start our new life, but things started to go wrong quite soon on arriving in Ireland. My husband got sent on Exercise for a couple of weeks leaving my son and I on our own, to be honest that was when I first felt lonely. Not knowing anyone in Ireland was difficult, so I just stayed home. My husbabd got back from Exercise and on the next day he got posted to the South of England, I refused to go, I did not want my son be unsettled yet again, after all he had just left his old school and friends in Scotland and we were not to go to England for another few months, so my son would have been settled into his new school by then, making it more difficult. We argued alot, I think my husband was quite keen to go, as he had spent most of his Army career in England and things we not good for the Armed Forces in Northern Ireland due to the (troubles) as they call them. Anyway we ended up going, me playing the obedient wife. I got pregnant before we went to Engalnd, I, we were extremly pleased and looking forward to having our baby, but I was feeling quite ill, so again spent alot of time at home, also I was not working so not having any contact with people. Life was bcoming quite isolating. I was only introduced to one couple in Ireland, who after a couple of months got posted to Scotland, not that I got to know them but they were the only people who I knew their names of. We arrived in England in January 2011, I was stressed beyond belief, to be honest leaving my family, friends, home and job in Scotland had affected me so negatively more than I thought it would have. I freaked out in England big time, it was like a pressure container, pregnant, scared and overwhelmed. Things got bad due to the stress, arguments every week, I wanted to go home one day and then was ok the next, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions and my husband never knew how to deal with it and who could blame him, so when we argued he drank and I lay in my bed crying. I have now been in England 1yr and 4 months and my gorgeous little baby is 9 months now, I have not made one friend, this is my fault, I isolated myself because I ran out of confidence. I am a sociable person and I make frinds quite easily, I have had two of my closet friends since I have been 14 yrs old but I don't know who I am anymore and that is basically because I have no life anymore. I am a wife and a mother but that is all. I love my family dearly but no one really understands just how difficult the past 2 years have been and that is because my experience is original to me just as my husbands and sons is to them. I have ran out of energy and emotions.....I'm all out of everything except love for my family. I have pushed myself and I begin a new job on Thursday, perhaps that will change things. Life really is what you make it, I do believe that, I think we need to think positvely helps also. Life is a funny thing, sometimes it's wonderfull and sometimes it's just crap. It's how we deal with it that makes us who we are and where we will end up.
walkon1 walkon1
36-40, F
2 Responses May 7, 2012

Thank you Shinjorai your comments make alot of sense, it must be incredibly difficult for you, you are very brave and to be lonely but still have empathy for others says alot about the kind of person you are. I did start my job and so far I have very much enjoyed it. I hope you are getting the right kind of treatment for your avoidant personality disorder. I know the internet is not a subsitute for real face to face contact with others but if it helps you even a little then at least you have that small life line. But remember there is always hope, for you and I. I wish you well and take care.

I can really relate to the loneliness. I have something called avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety, while my experience is different than yours Its very similar in a lot of ways. Im 37 on disability for my anxiety and depression so everyday i wake up and its the same thing no friends and no contact with the outside world except the internet. I know its really hard to break the routine but maybe try volunteering some places. If you picked the right volunteer oppurtunity itd be a great way to help a cause you care about and also a great way to meet new friends with a common interest. Good luck with the new job, im sure youll make a lot of new friends there. I hope one day im able to go back to work too just for a break in the monotony. Best of luck to you.