How Do You Cope With Your Loneliness? Here's My Little Story.

Having been divorced for almost 4 years and watched my family collapse around me it's very hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel and act positively as I was told to do by a girlfriend I also lost recently. I've been apart from my recent partner for many weeks, having split up numerous times over the past 3 years, a relationship that had so much promise and I think "what happened there" so often. She appeared to be the answer to my dreams in many ways, a lovely loving girl, who would do anything for anyone but we were so uncompatible. She didn't get my sense of humour either so it disappeared when in her company. Whenever we were together all we ever did was talk about each others problems almost as if we were each others agony aunt. I hated it, I just wanted to escape and come home. Which I did the very last time I saw her...It is in my nature to be pessimistic I wish it wasn't but I see things how they are in these situations. I loved being part of a family having my girls around all the time, they've moved out too eventually. I can't say I had a happy marriage because I didn't, my ex wife didn't appreciate what I did in terms of provide for the family and made me feel a failure, so there was no love between us and ultimately she left me to go off with my best friend (who I've also lost now). They are now married. I was totally loyal to her for the 28 years we were together. My parents did the same and label me as a waste of space, lazy, bad husband, father etc, they knocked my confidence from childhood right up to the present day.

Non of the people I have dealings with understood what my health issues & ailments consisted of. I have Sarcoidosis which I've had for well over a decade. Basically it's a disease that affects my immune system and contrary to what a google search may say, it doesn't just burn out on it's own. A decade of taking steroids hasn't helped my sleep routine and It's caused me to be very depressive, fatigued and negative towards my present and future. I have no doubt this outlook is the reason people in general now avoid me who were once a large part of my life. I've lost my singing voice through stress and can no longer perform in what was one of my main forms of income. I can be a laugh a minute sometimes in person and on forums such as this one as some of you maybe aware but I have some very depressive moments which can span over several weeks. (I'm in one now May 2012) It doesn't take much to tip me over the edge and go into a major depressive state and stay in bed for days, I stay there for much longer these days as I am now totally on my own with nothing but my little cat for company. (and despite my avatar pic she is amply fed I can assure you)

When I'm ok I go out to work as a self employed person on my own, I work all day on my own and I come home on my own. I have nobody to talk to that understands or can offer support. I'm not looking for sympathy just understanding. I do have friends but they are all happily married and I don't like to encroach on their lives. So I end up doing nothing, staying in my house. I hate the idea of standing in pubs and talking rubbish to people who seem to live in them places plus I can't afford to spend my money on booze and hangover remedies. My main hobbies were my music it's been part of my life for 30 years, I've tried to continue with it but I keep getting let down as recent collaborations end in disaster as people only join up with me expecting me to do all the work and live off my previous reputation, my cycling is becoming more and more difficult because of my failing stamina and health issues, so I don't go as often, most of my existing friends are to do with my cycling but these are the ones I spoke of who are married with young families. I love cars too, but I just look at them all and go back inside with no desire to either work on them or drive them ON MY OWN!!!

Admittedly I typing this with a heavy heart right now but sometimes that's the only time I think you tell it like it really is........Thanks very much for reading my story :-)
Zebzz Zebzz
51-55, M
3 Responses May 20, 2012

Get some more help with the sarcoidosis. It shouldn't be affecting you as badly as it is. There is nothing wrong with your sense of humour, as long as you are British.

I am sorry for your struggles. I have recently found myself quite alone, and it is a very strange thing to get used to. I recently lost my father to cancer, who I spent a great deal of time with, thank God for that time, but it does leave a very big gap in not just my heart but my days as well. And the only other people in my life have gone as well. My sister went to college and my boyfriend of the last five years ditched me. Nothing close to a 22 year marriage but it did hurt. My little brother lives with me, so I am not completely by myself, I probably would have lost my ******** mind if I didn't have him to take care of. <br />
Ultimately I think I probably need this time for myself though. It's lonely and weird, but necessary. I try very hard to be optimistic but we all need our depressed and pessimistic days too.

Thank you, and me too for your situation, I can relate to the gap in our lives once certain people are not there, so many people seem to think it must be great having "me time" I don't need or want me time anymore, I've spent the last 4 years on my own after a 28 year relationship, I have plenty of hobbies, jobs, interests but they are all of no interest when you don't have people to share those interests with, at least thats how it works for me. My parents live close by but we have a difficult relationship as I mentioned in my story, but they need me now and I find it hard to go round to see them and help them without them making me feel bad about myself. Like you say time on your own, truly on your own is probably something we all need to go through to sort our heads out, many of us go through life thinking we like what we have, but did we choose what we had or did it just end up that way. I'm trying to get my head around all that and hopefully I'll decide what is best for me. I hope you do too. Thanks for your comments and thank you for reading my story. :-)

I know of some of these things you have experienced, and I understand. I too have had lots of sadness, disrupt, and pain in my life. If we could just pull out some magic dust and put an end to all the unhappy and bad, clear it all and start anew.

Now that would be something I'd pay for. Thanks for your comments :-)