Lonely, Depressed And Empty Guy

i'm 18 years old guy who lost the taste of every beautiful thing in this life because of depression. my story starts when i was 10, before that i used to be quite a normal child who have some few friends from his age and used to be bullied from his rude classmates without any try from me to defend myself. i also used to be a polite and very clever child in my class and i was happy a little from that. it made me feel that i was better than other children in my class which increased my self-esteem then.

after the age of ten, i started to be alone gradually. i chose to keep myself away from those bad children around me who i couldn't communicate with them and started to resort to reading children magazines and some small books besides watching tv and it was almost my main activities which i do with studying of course. i have never tried to take part in activities with my classmates in my school except only few times which i failed almost in all of them such as playing football or any group activity like that.

day by day, i found myself spending my adolescence withdrawing from my social life. even my close relatives i had no desire to meet them. my loneliness became bigger every day and the feeling of it became harder. i tried to solve it by searching love somewhere, first i started writing love poems about a girl who i hadn't seen for 3 years then. so i loved her alone as well. after that, i tried internet love with a girl which was similar to me but she was so far in another country so it didn't succeed. i liked many girls around me but nothing happened more than a quick look over some of them.

everyday my problem gets complicated and its pain increases inside me. besides that, my self-esteem gets lower and lower. i can say that i lost a lot from my self-esteem and it became usual for me to be alone and being with other people became unusual and undesirable thing for me. i also lost all motivations to have a good life. sadness became usual thing for me instead of happiness. boring, empty and meaningless life. all of that affected me badly in my social life and my study.

a huge pain inside me and no one knows. i tried to tell my mother, the nearest person from me but it doesn't work. she tried to take me to a psychologist but i refused. i have no desire to tell a stranger about my problem besides i believe that the solution of my problem should come from inside me and by changing the atmosphere around me as well. but i don't know how can this solution come.

finally, i think the idea of this site is really great. i wish really to share my problem with someone who suffer from it like me and can understand me well. so i ask everyone who has read my post to comment on it and share their problem with me if they suffer from the same problem like me and i'll be really grateful to answer your comments.
fateh1453 fateh1453
18-21, M
2 Responses May 21, 2012

hey my name is larry montoya i live in southern california and im 16.when i was 10 my father left me and my mom to go stay with his family in colorado. still to this day i dont know why he what he did but other than that i was picked on alot in elementary school so i said enough is enough.i started hanging around with the wrong crowd and getting in to trouble i felt that if i hurt people and cause destruction people will start to respect me more and be scared of me. that only lasted for a while then i started a gang called B.R.K it's a gang for troubled,lonely,angry,and depressed kids.to me that was and still is my family now its a large underground group that is ready for blood shed.i knew i created a monster.i had to give myself an early retirement but B.R.K still runs through my veins.not much has changed since then im still lonely,depressed,angry i finally figured out that i get it from my mom and my dad.and because ive been cheated on and i have had my heart broken so many times it still hurts inside.now im just trying to live life and find myself a girl but its hard for me because ive been in in the dark for so long.if anybody is out there that feels the same way i do your not alone.

i thought like you many times as i used to be bullied by other children when i was young. so i thought that people will respect me only when they become scared of me but i didn't try to turn my thoughts into a real thing maybe because i didn't have the method to do that and i couldn't change myself to be this cruel child.

in your case, let me tell you that you are destroying yourself if you want to continue this way in your life. i can see the prison waits you in the end of this way and then you will lose everything in your life even yourself so the first step to change your life is to keep yourself away from your gang firmly and decide to become another person thinking that you really saving your life from a big lost which waited you in the past. then try to do something good for you and your society just to feel that you are a positive member in your society and you can get new good friends and your self-esteem would be high. i think that can help you really

Hi..I know this is going to sound cheesy but it's like reading the story of my life..honestly<br />
your desc<x>ription applies perfectly to my life right now..and guess what? I'm 18,as well and everyday i feel more isolated from the world,it's like living in a bubble and being too afraid to pop it..so i understand you completely and hopefully the future will be much better than this!!

thank you very much for your comment. i really wrote this story just to find someone who feels the same because i always thought that i'm a strange guy and that's the reason of my loneliness. i think you may thought like me someday so i tell you that you aren't alone because you may need someone to tell you that as i always needed that. you know, sometimes i see it's too strange for me to be this depressed guy as almost all people around me tell me that i'm so good and cultured person even when i was younger. i don't know if being perfect and polite is the reason of my problem. i tried to overcome my problem but all the doors are closed in front of me. it doesn't belong to me only but it belongs to other people as well and no one of them would try even to feel about you. i wish you a better life as well and thank you again for your comment .

oh no thank you...you know once i read your story i felt a lot better..and let me share with you something i found out recently..
i was once nice and polite with people but they took advantage of my kindness and my nice treatment with them so most of the times i would be disappointed and think where did i go wrong and you know who was wrong? THEM..because if you keep being nice to people they will totally walk over you,believe me it's a weakness not a strength so what you gotta do is to be yourself and F everyone..if they don't like you for who you are then why bother waste your time with them..and trust me we're still young and there's a hopefully great future ahead of us..and the right person WILL come someday we're just gonna have to be patient and optimistic..'cause it's life and it's neither fair nor easy..so i wish you the best and i want you to tell me from time to time how you're doing!!!