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Depression

I don't know how I can stay strong in a long distance relationship, how I can keep hoping and keep holding out until the day comes when we meet again, when all my will to live has been sapped by depression.

I know that I shouldn't depend on one person for happiness. I'm trying to do something productive so I don't sink further into my miserable thoughts but I feel like my mind is too hyperactive. I've been applying for work and applying for grad schools. I need to do something all the time. I can't just lie down and fall asleep. I need to pass out and this only happens at 9am. I wake up at 5pm and do the same thing. I work out but even working out doesn't help. I don't feel like eating either.

My boyfriend calls everyday. He tells me where he is, where he's going. I want to be there with him too. It's the only thing I think about. When he tells me where he is, I can picture the place in my mind. I would love to live there again, in the same city, in the same country, and that's why I've been working so hard. Many people in long distance relationships probably get to talk to their SO a lot less than I do but I can't stop being annoying and irritable. I mostly say that I sit at home all day and I'm tired of it. (I actually leave the house every other day or so but when I come home I think, well, here we go again, another long night). He's angry at me for my inability to take care of myself and he says that I just didn't try hard enough to sleep or to eat. His problem is I don't even make any effort at all to be healthy. It's as if I've become the very image of negativity. Yes, I do all these things because I want to be with him, because I value the relationship, but I feel like my efforts backfire because I try too hard to fill the gap separation has caused to the point where it seems like I don't care about being happy now for his sake or for mine.

It's only been a week since we last saw each other. I don't know how long it will be until I can see him again. Maybe a few months. Maybe another year. I just know I can't live every day like this.
lostinpages lostinpages 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 27, 2012

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(The answer is written in separate paragraphs. If for some reason they end up being posted in one huge paragraph, I apologise.)<br />
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Long distance relationship is a hard thing. But a person does not need to lose hope. I would suggest to get married and live together. Both the individuals can work and pay for the bills. In today's world, it is hard to live in such relationships. There is just too much strain.<br />
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But let me also bring to light the an incident of my friend. He was into a long distance relationship with a girl. And the girl, similarly, wanted to be with him and touch him and spend time with him. Let me tell you that the circumstances where on a whole different level. The girl was still studying and lived with her parents. She was abused by them. To an extent that her mother beat her just after she had a major operation. That too on the stiches! She was not allowed to go out, or stay out late. Only school, then back home. Nothing more. So, she could not really talk to the boy when she was at home. But the problem was worse, her father would take her to school most of the time. So the only time they could talk was the OCCASIONAL WALK to school and back. Thats it! Seriously, thats it! But wait. That too IF she had enough money to give him a missed call so that he could call back. That was how hard the communication was between the two. Alright, people might be thinking this is too much. Unfortunately, there was one more thing.<br />
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To top it all off, this went on for TWO YEARS. Yes, for two years, they did not see each other, or touch, or communicate freely. At all. So, people need to be happy that its only been a couple of days in their circumstances. And that too with open lines of communication.<br />
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But I still strongly suggest getting married with what ever means are present. That is MOST IMPORTANT.<br />
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Thank you

Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I do think I'm being a bit too selfish. I have known people who've suffered through LDRs while barely ever having the means to communicate much. On the other hand, my boyfriend probably spends a lot of time with me on Skype on weekends. He told me today that he just can't babysit me over Skype, tell me to sleep, to eat, to cheer up. I know that myself. I can't just wait for someone so I can live.

I think it has been a 5 days since I posted my first story on this site. I don't know if I have made any improvement. My days have been easier but going to sleep at night is difficult. I feel like crying. It's like whatever strength I've used in the day to stay cheerful is gone by the time I'm about to go to sleep.

I call him on Skype before I sleep as well. I call him and I feel like I never want to hang up. We sit there in silence. I just want to feel like he is there with me. Then he tells me that I should go offline or else I would never be able to sleep if I were to keep focusing my attention on my laptop.

I feel so pathetic that it has reached this point. I lived alone for so many years. How is it that I don't even have the capacity to think happy thoughts at least so I can finally go to sleep.

(The answer is written in separate paragraphs. If for some reason they end up being posted in one huge paragraph, I apologise.)

To be honest, if one's spouse longs so much for the other; I think it is a huge compliment to them. In today's world, where so many relationships break each second, it is good to see this for a change.

The reason a person may have lived his or her life alone for years, and is not able to do that now; it is because now they have someone in tier life. It is again a very good sign of a relationship. I have always seen 'longing for a spouse' to be a great thing. There are others who think in the other way : like they are clingy, or obsessed, etc. Although they are right in their perspective, sometimes I ask them to see it from another angle. In a way, it is really good when one spouse requires so much of the other.

At the moment, a person just needs to 'force' and follow a schedule. The boy is right, keeping the laptop on is never going to make you sleep. You need to make a schedule for tomorrow (and the whole week) and follow it strictly. Let the boy also know that so that he calls you accordingly. You need to make your schedule in such a way that you get tired (as you already know). Try to plan excercise for the night, so that you do it and immediately fall asleep. Try to do things which need physical work : like cooking new things, or painting, or stitching. If you are out of options, then reading a book requiring a lot of understanding is also a good idea. For two things : 1 - When we use our mind to understnad something, it requires a lot of energy and hence we get tired. 2 - If we don't like the book, we eventually fall asleep in the middle. But a strict schedule is a must. If falling asleep for the first night of the scedule is hard, then I would suggest to take a regular night tablet which has sleep in it.

I am sorry, but I again think that getting married is MOST IMPORTANT now.

Thank you

Thank you again. No one really knows what I have been feeling lately nor can I even explain it to people. Even to people I love I prefer to just not show any type of obsessive, "clingy "weakness. I think it's because no one has ever known me to be this way or I don't like to be seen in that manner. Also I think it's because many guys I have been friends with are annoyed at clingy girlfriends.

I study occasionally, a few times per week, and I think I might need to do this a bit more. Lately I just do a lot of random things on the Internet to not think about anything (mind numbing activities like card games and the like) and study on some other days (and continue to do dumb online activities at night until daybreak).

We used to live together in the US. I went through a tough time some time last year and he was one of the reasons I kept it together. I don't want to state it this way but it looks like it's true that leaving a country one has called home for some time, adjusting to being alone once again, being an unemployed college graduate and ultimately being away from the person I did a lot of daily activities with (eating, sleeping) messed up my once neatly scheduled lifestyle. I have never been known for self-control and discipline and I think that when I was still single I didn't really care whether I slept at 9am or 9pm or whether I had some kind of unhealthy lifestyle. Now I just want to be a better person not just for him but also for myself because I know that I just cannot go on living like this. For the last 3 days I've gotten up at 8pm with a bad headache.

I do need a disciplined routine and I need to start on that ASAP. I truly appreciate your advice.