DepressionI don't know how I can stay strong in a long distance relationship, how I can keep hoping and keep holding out until the day comes when we meet again, when all my will to live has been sapped by depression.
I know that I shouldn't depend on one person for happiness. I'm trying to do something productive so I don't sink further into my miserable thoughts but I feel like my mind is too hyperactive. I've been applying for work and applying for grad schools. I need to do something all the time. I can't just lie down and fall asleep. I need to pass out and this only happens at 9am. I wake up at 5pm and do the same thing. I work out but even working out doesn't help. I don't feel like eating either.
My boyfriend calls everyday. He tells me where he is, where he's going. I want to be there with him too. It's the only thing I think about. When he tells me where he is, I can picture the place in my mind. I would love to live there again, in the same city, in the same country, and that's why I've been working so hard. Many people in long distance relationships probably get to talk to their SO a lot less than I do but I can't stop being annoying and irritable. I mostly say that I sit at home all day and I'm tired of it. (I actually leave the house every other day or so but when I come home I think, well, here we go again, another long night). He's angry at me for my inability to take care of myself and he says that I just didn't try hard enough to sleep or to eat. His problem is I don't even make any effort at all to be healthy. It's as if I've become the very image of negativity. Yes, I do all these things because I want to be with him, because I value the relationship, but I feel like my efforts backfire because I try too hard to fill the gap separation has caused to the point where it seems like I don't care about being happy now for his sake or for mine.
It's only been a week since we last saw each other. I don't know how long it will be until I can see him again. Maybe a few months. Maybe another year. I just know I can't live every day like this.
lostinpages 22-25, F 1 Response 0 Aug 27, 2012