Just Alone

I'm a 21 year old man just alone in the world.
Growing up, while never the most chatty, I was always friendly when people felt the need to speak to me. I never tried to screw anyone over or try to hurt them and yet, I always end up being the most hated and most ignored person wherever I go.

In secondary school, I had a group of persons I hang around with and yet ironically, they disliked me the most. The other students I got along with even though I didn't hang around them and the "friends" I thought I had hated me. They made a fake profile about me and made all sorts of remarks online. I just felt betrayed and that started everyone ignoring me. I remember it clearly they were discussing sports and my attempts to join them wasn't met with any response. They just pretended I never existed and that pretty much when i felt so alone and till now, I can't get out of it.

I then enlisted in the army for 2 years. New surroundings I thought, surely I can make a fresh start. It did feel like a good period for a short time but then, a select few of the people I worked with disliked me as well. They didn't even have the balls to tell it to my face. Instead, they would talk about it with others behind my back and were such a pathetic petty group. After I left the army for a year, they still can't get over it and I found a facebook post where they were talking behind my back. Note, it was ONE YEAR after I left and they still needed to insult me.

I went back to school after that and just like before, it was a fresh start and I did have a good period but again, people got mad at me for some stupid reason so instead of talking to me directly and resolving it, they had to make a big scene and tell EVERYONE a story that obviously favoured them and made me look like the *******. Obviously, since I didn't bother to defend myself, I was made a villain for it even though I know in my heart I'm in the right. I spend the rest of the school year an outcast really. Even when I sat with a group, I can tell by their body language and actions that I'm an unwanted member.

I've grown to accept the fact that I'm meant to be a villain in people's lives. It's painful to know that people hate you or just pretend you don't exist because of some perceived wrong I did. I'm not the nicest guy or the most selfless guy. I am selfish at times and I have been an ******* sometimes but nothing that warranted such treatment. I help out when I am able to and I try my best for people. As much as I wanted to just turn my back on the world, my real personality which is basically good just won't allow me to.

I'm sorry for the wall of text. This is just one of the moments where I'm breaking down. I obviously have no one to talk to at all. I keep it inside and pray that I'll survive. I keep hoping for life to turn around for me but so far, it's just been one **** after another. Maybe I just don't deserve any happiness.
eddief5 eddief5
22-25, M
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

Aww, this was so sad to read. Sure you deserve happiness. And it's so awful to me that you've been repeatedly betrayed, shunned, outcast and villified by people. I think the worst part to me is how you've tried several new surroundings and still end up feeling kicked down. Please keep at it. (Not that I'm some old wise sage) but, you're still young. Repeatd bad experiences in your lifetime is all you know, but think of how much more life you have in front of you to change that, so then this string of badness will be the smaller percentage in your life. You can learn and develop empathy for others through these experiences. But I would say, don't give up. You've run into a bunch of jerks in your time. The cyberbullying at a young age must have been awful. You mentioned somewhere how you didn't/don't bother to defend yourself. May I encourage you to be a little empowered to stick up for yourself and not let people trample you so much. I don't mean retaliate or anything of course...just, perhaps call them out on it, defend your stance, the like. You've been around petty and malicious people. Give it time...seek out experiences and/work that interest you, volunteering is another thought, too...and hopefully you will begin to meet people with more depth and open minds. And realize, hey I'm not alone in this world after all! There are a lot of selfish and shallow people out there, but there are also a lot wanting to connect. Don't accept that being a villain and an outcast is your lot in life. It's not fair. You deserve better.

(and if it makes you feel any better, I grew up as the "mean/bad" one...started at home, would happen in school too, and then I grew up having animosity towards allegedly 'nice' people, if that makes any sense, because I felt so misunderstood and then bitter... I just kept a lot of my pain inside and always tried to seem tough ...so thus always ended up looking like the mean one. But don't let that rule you. It's not true. You know that you are a good person, as you said in your post. Stick with that, forget the ones trying to villify you, and eventually others will see your inner worth as well. Don't let their labels and bad treatment define you for good.)