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False Hope

I am turning 16 in a month, and I've been struggling with depression for a long time. I am an athlete, involved in art, and in advanced classes (doing pretty well, but still feel stupid compared to everyone else). I don't have family issues, but we're kinda tight on money, and I can see my parents are stressed and scared. At school I laugh and try to make others laugh, but I am miserable. I often think about dying and I cut myself. I try to "self medicate" I guess you could say, but I always end up getting caught and in trouble. People claim to be my friends, but I never hang out with anyone. I used to have friends over all the time, but for some reason no one wants to be around me. I can't blame them. Even when I am happy I end up eventually getting depressed again. I haven't told my parents about this. My mom saw my cuts once and almost yelled. I know it hurts her, but I'm hurt inside. Why can't anything good happen to me? I'm a good person, I don't mean any harm. I want to help people and do things with my life, but I'm worthless. I want to be loved. I'm such a loving person, but I don't get much love in return. I've only had one serious relationship, and that ended a year ago. Nobody wants to be with me. I'm not THAT ugly. I guess it's just my "reputation" or something. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and only people who seem to care only use me for their own selfishness and eventually leave me. I'm so alone, and have nobody to talk to. People will think I am only seeking attention, or think I am whiney if I try to tell them I am depressed. I just don't know what to do. I'm not religious either, so I don't know what to believe in, I have no faith in myself or my future. I wish I was never born.
rosierose4 rosierose4 16-17, F 6 Responses Nov 16, 2012

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I know exactly how u feel

Hey man, I know you're in pain. Believe me I am too for my own reasons. I also feel I have no friends. I've never had a girlfriend or even a girl take a second look at me. The thing is I can actually draw a crowd with my outgoing attitude, but underneath all that funniness and comedy there is a very hurt and lonely person that is more than scared of what the future holds, or doesn't hold. I've tried getting into pharmacy school for over 5 years now and haven't gotten any reply, much like my love life. Now that I'm realizing the path I've been working at for the last 5 years probably isn't going to come true, I'm losing direction in my life. I've run out of goals to attempt that are worth attempting. And worse, as of recent I feel I'm becoming a big burden on my parents (probably the only two people, along with my younger brother who care if I'm alive or not) as far as living at home with them. So don't feel bad man ... actually who am I to say don't feel bad, just know you're not alone and I'm so proud of you for posting and making me feel there are people in this life who are just like me. Much love man and I wish you happiness from the bottom of my heart, because you're a great person!

People are selfish. They will use you for their purposes. Accept it.
Cutting yourself will only hurt you, it will not solve your problems or make you feel better. Admit it.
I was in downtown on 1st Jan, it was around 00:30 am, I think. Everyone was hugging each other wishing everyone a happy new year. There was this homeless lady sitting alone, trying to protect her dog from the cold. Everyone went past her without noticing her. I think I was the only one who wished her a happy new year. She needs you help. Its not your friends who need your help, its the people no one notices that need your help. You feel that people don't care about you, well, chuck it, there are more than enough people who need your help.

You wish you were never born, but you were born and you are very much alive. You need to make a goal for yourself. Make sure your ultimate goal helps the homeless people you and I have seen sitting out on the streets in the cold.
I am not a citizen of the United States. I want to make a change in the way things run in my country. In my country, you can't just get up one day and decide you'll change the way things are. People wont listen to you unless you are associated with something greater than them. So, I decided to come here and study. My country holds USA in very high regards. Once I go back from here, the people back home will atleast listen to what I have to say. I need contacts to do what I have to do. How do I build them? I help those who ask for help unconditionally. There are lot of people who have used me in this way, but there have been a few who were grateful and have helped me help others. You will always find both these kinds of people.

Find a goal for yourself. It'll take some time, but you will find it. Once you find it, do everything you have to do to make it true. Remember, your goal should help someone nobody bothered to notice.
Keep in touch.

Is there a teacher or counselor at your school that you can trust? You need someone to talk to about this situation. To help you find a solution and figure out WHY.
Before you speak and tell them, ask if they are obligated to contact your parents. You might not want them to know some of these things.
Make it understood you only feel the need to talk and want everything kept confidential.

It's good to see that you're still trying to make others happy. Use that to help yourself feel happier for helping them feel better. Have you ever heard from parents that "If you're nice to people, they'll be nice to you back"? Isn't it a load of crap? Of course it is, because if you're helping so many people, why isn't everyone nice to you?

It's a dangerous thing to tell a child indeed. The correct thing to tell your child is that if you're nice to people, you're MORE LIKELY to have people show more respect and courtesy.

If you're finding it hard to feel 'belonging', find somewhere. Do a hobby, join a club, do some exercising. You'll meet people who are like-minded who will be interested in what you're interested in. It's a good way to meet people.

As hard as it is to confess, tell your parents the truth. Hiding the truth away from them hinders recovery because your parents can help you to get better by pointing towards a therapist which is a big step to recovery. If you want to feel happier in the long-term, telling your parents is a good idea.

I wish I could help you, really. Were going through very similar situations. Just hang in there. I see a good future for you.