False HopeI am turning 16 in a month, and I've been struggling with depression for a long time. I am an athlete, involved in art, and in advanced classes (doing pretty well, but still feel stupid compared to everyone else). I don't have family issues, but we're kinda tight on money, and I can see my parents are stressed and scared. At school I laugh and try to make others laugh, but I am miserable. I often think about dying and I cut myself. I try to "self medicate" I guess you could say, but I always end up getting caught and in trouble. People claim to be my friends, but I never hang out with anyone. I used to have friends over all the time, but for some reason no one wants to be around me. I can't blame them. Even when I am happy I end up eventually getting depressed again. I haven't told my parents about this. My mom saw my cuts once and almost yelled. I know it hurts her, but I'm hurt inside. Why can't anything good happen to me? I'm a good person, I don't mean any harm. I want to help people and do things with my life, but I'm worthless. I want to be loved. I'm such a loving person, but I don't get much love in return. I've only had one serious relationship, and that ended a year ago. Nobody wants to be with me. I'm not THAT ugly. I guess it's just my "reputation" or something. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and only people who seem to care only use me for their own selfishness and eventually leave me. I'm so alone, and have nobody to talk to. People will think I am only seeking attention, or think I am whiney if I try to tell them I am depressed. I just don't know what to do. I'm not religious either, so I don't know what to believe in, I have no faith in myself or my future. I wish I was never born.
rosierose4 16-17, F 6 Responses 4 Nov 16, 2012