I Can't Connect With Anyone.

My whole life I've felt like I've been hiding the truth about who I really am. I've tried to play by the rules presented to me by society, but I don't feel any genuine part of me engaging in those activities or social interactions.

I've found a few people throughout the years whom I've been able to connect with, at least for a few moments, in a wholly complete way. The problem is that these people generally become freaked out by the experience and end up distancing themselves from me. Due to the way that I approach relationships, I've managed to keep myself out of one.

I've come to terms with the fact that the world will never be anything that makes really good sense to me, just because the majority of the population doesn't seem to think about their actions or interactions. But I feel like if I were able to connect with one other person, and hold on to them, we could make it through this together.

The inability to manifest that reality by any means is what's led me to write here. I'm feeling hopelessly alone.
Rarhar Rarhar
22-25
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I feel the same way. I don't get close to most people because I don't comply with societies rules. I try, but I really just can't comprehend most rules. Since I break most of these rules, usually unknowingly, most people have a really incorrect view of me. And when I finally do get close to someone, I make the relationship catastrophically self destruct somehow.

Also I totally get what you're saying about "the majority of the population doesn't seem to think about their actions or interactions". I feel the same way. I got bullied all through school by those people, and my parents never really tried to put themselves in my shoes and help me out of the situation. They persisted on forcing me to do things that kept my self esteem down: not letting me cut my hair, go out the few times I was invited. And even now they would rather keep me in a place that makes me depressed and suicidal instead of letting me leave to visit my boyfriend because they don't believe in premarital sex.

I remember ardently wishing when I was 12 for one person, just a single one, who understood me, who I could just create a world with, just like you.

But here is some hope, I did find that person. It took 20 long years, and I don't know what will happen but he gets it, and he hasn't yet been pushed away. So there is a chance for you too. But unfortunately one person isn't enough. I'm sure even the one person you'll find will feel burdened by the thought of being a 'cosmic last resort'.

So for myself, I started reaching out in other ways. This is hard, I've been continually disappointed by my peers at school. And being depressed makes everything except sleeping hard. But it helps to know that I'm not the only one, and I hope it helps you to know that too. Reaching out online is awesome too! And you're already doing it.

Here are a few more places where you might find that authentic community:
Youtube. Vlogging will probably help you reach a lot of people. The community created by Zefrank in particular deals with deep emotional issues like feelings of loneliness. Reach out there, get involved in one of his art projects and see if you find what you're looking for.

Coursera.com. Take a course you enjoy and learn with a community of self motivated learners. Working together towards a goal with people helps create a strong sense of community, and if they've voluntarily decided to learn, they are probably capable of being thoughtful in interactions with you.

This is how I feel as well. I'm in my last year of college and I feel as though my life has passed me by and I have yet to make a single friend that I can definitively say will be in my life years from now. I have many acquaintances and I am surrounded by plenty of people but this does not keep me from feeling lonely. I've always had trouble connecting with people and as I grow older, this task seems to become more difficult.