I Am Depressed Because I'm Lonely

Age 25, Twice Divorced

By: StillRadioactive

Written on December 16th, 2012

I've never really been alone before. As a child I was an outcast - like many - but I had a few friends that came and went, and always had family. I thought I was alone, I thought that's what I was feeling, but it wasn't so.

After High School I joined the military, which of course begins with boot camp. For months my life was dictated to me in ever-smaller increments. I was one of many, faceless, nameless, carrying out an order without so much as a moment to think of the expected result. Barely time to brush your teeth and shave your face, and definitely not enough time for thought, or emotion. Afterwards, I would live in the barracks. For those who don't know, barracks are like dilapidated college dorms full of single, alpha-male type people. There wasn't much in the way of companionship, but there was a shared experience. I lived in the same space as hundreds of other people, going about their lives exactly the same way I was... and I knew nearly all of them.

Then I met someone who I thought was special, and got married - for the first time, anyway. Things were good for a while, and I always knew that I'd have someone to talk to at home, someone to share my feelings and my life with. The military deployed me, and I spent seven months on a ship, sharing everyday life with two thousand other people. Once again, not truly alone.

I came home and discovered that she'd had an affair while I was gone - one which was still happening. It took a month to finally get the proof that I needed, but in that time I'd grown very close to one of my female friends that was there for me when I needed someone to talk to. When I finally confirmed that my wife had been cheating, I latched on to that friend... and she took advantage of it. She wanted me to be hers, and she had me eating out of the palm of her hand in no time. Divorce #1.

Very shortly after that, I married that friend. I realize now that I was just trying to fill the void that wife #1 left. The relationship was emotionally abusive. She was controlling, she withheld affection, she was quick to anger, she humiliated me, and she made me feel like it was all my fault. It was miserable, but I wasn't alone. I left the military, we moved to a different state, we had a baby, and she became my whole life. I didn't make any new friends, because she demanded every instant of my free time. My life consisted of work, her, work, her, and more work.

After one of our many fights, she put an ad on Craigslist for - well, what people put ads on Craigslist for. She didn't actually meet with anyone, but she had an online boyfriend for about a month. She confessed it to me after another fight, and it broke open the same wound from before - a wound that had never healed. My emotions for her were just gone, like someone flicked a lightswitch. She moved back home to her parents in the next state, and took our little girl with her. Divorce #2.

*EDITED - I can't keep talking about this part, because it makes me feel guilty for what I'm doing. Sorry, folks.*

So now I live in a big, empty house. I have no romance. I have no friends - all chased away by my ex wives. I have no family around for hundreds of miles. For the first time in my life, I am truly alone... and I don't know how to do it.

By: StillRadioactive

Age: 22-25 , Male

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13 responses

ParamoreJadore

I read your story it made me cry.I am sorry you are in pain :( I understand how you feel.

Jan 8
1 like
- StillRadioactive
  It's much better now... thank you, though.
  I hope you don't feel the same pain.
  
  Jan 8
  1 like
- ParamoreJadore
  That is why I can understand, been there and had it done to me.I guess I was crying for the both of us.
  
  Jan 8
  1 like
- StillRadioactive
  It helped me to put my pain into words here on EP. The folks here are - for the most part - very supportive, and it's quite therapeutic.
  Give it a shot, we'll all be here to help cheer you up!
  
  Jan 8
  1 like
LivinforChrist700

Everyone tries to find fulfillment in life. That's what our life is made of. Trying to find something to fulfill us. But the only thing that can fulfill us is having a legit relationship with God. I don't know if you believe in God, but this is true and real whether you believe it or not. Putting your hope in people will always fail you, and you seem to know that all too well. I know what it feels like to be alone, but not on this level. I can't even imagine how it must feel. But what I do know is that He can fix anything. I've found that the only thing that can fulfill each and every one of us, and heal each and every wound is a legit relationship with God.

Dec 29, 2012
1 like
- StillRadioactive
  Thanks. I have found some solace in my dealings with the gods, and it does help.
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
- LivinforChrist700
  Just know that there's only one God, Yaweh c:
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
- StillRadioactive
  Let's just agree to disagree on that one. I didn't come here for a theological debate.
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
- LivinforChrist700
  I'm not trying to debate either haha. I just wanna help in every way I can, and I've found that the only real help is in the one true God (:
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
ZappedToTheUnicorn

In my experience, there are two types of loneliness. One of them being inside of your head, having to deal with all of the frustrations and depressions alone and the other one, being truly alone in the real world. You where not alone, per say..you had people around you but in a sense, you where alone because you felt alone inside. No one grabbed a sword and shield to help you fight your war, no one helped you fight off the bad things - you and you alone where the only one doing this.
I'm literally speechless for what your first wife did. Like not only speechless but disgusted. You where serving our country as well as protecting her and she had the ignorance to do something that low..that's just wrong. Second wife..she seemed like the opposite, like she didn't want you to be with other people because she was afraid you'd leave her, which is never good for a relationship. It becomes all about that person and what they want instead of making decisions together. She should've known that if you really loved her, that you wouldn't do something like that and she should've just trusted you with that one thing.
You know, I hope this doesn't sound insensitive of me but it's for the best, either way. I think that getting rid of both was the best thing to do, some people try to stay in it to patch the marriage up but usually end up making it worse, like that woman who tried to restore that painting of Jesus. You won't be alone forever, I think you're just in need of love and you want it now. Honestly, you should just wait it out a bit. Give yourself time to think before you get into another relationship and give yourself time to think about what you really want. It'll come, you're young and you have many years ahead of you to get married, so don't worry :)

Dec 29, 2012
2 likes
- ZappedToTheUnicorn
  Yes. That would be a good thing to do.
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
- LysanderFremont
  I agree on this post. Yes, good thinking. It was for the best. Ride out the storm, get some experiences you've always wanted under your belt. Everything else will happen when you can feel the Happy. :)
  
  Dec 29, 2012
  1 like
LysanderFremont

Dude, I haven't been married, but I know the loneliness road you are feeling.
It freak'n blows doesn't it? One minute, you have someone to talk to about anything, the next, they are out there making out with a jerk/douche. Not trying to make light of your situation, just I've been there and yeah, can even say I'm still there.
But guys like us though... we're like Fine Wine. We get better with age and untouched over time. We choose our partners carefully, not letting anyone get a sip without proving they can handle their liquor... if you catch my drift ;)
What is it that you want to do with your Life, man? What interests you, what makes you wake up and say "Man, I can live a little while longer with this hobby/interest still around"?
If there is something new and unexpected around, go ahead and mess around with it. Do it! Maybe there is a volunteer opportunity you can attend to? Meet people through there cause we all know, Volunteers are people with Good Hearts (And sometimes they have gone through just what you have as well).
And it's tough. Whoo, one can easily talk about the Good but the Bad... it's a tough time. For anyone in your situation with a broken heart and just loneliness as well. But you know, there is no wrong way to go through with it? I mean, sure, drinking and drugs is probably only going to delay the healing process, but if some days you feel okay and other days its like someone parked an 18 Wheeler with a beached whale as it's cargo parked on your chest.... that's perfectly normal.
It's time to strengthen the qualities that make you more of an individual. No more people using you or getting too deep into relationships when they should've ended a while ago. You are not alone on this, amigo. This I swear.

Dec 22, 2012
1 like

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