Age 25, Twice DivorcedI've never really been alone before. As a child I was an outcast - like many - but I had a few friends that came and went, and always had family. I thought I was alone, I thought that's what I was feeling, but it wasn't so.
After High School I joined the military, which of course begins with boot camp. For months my life was dictated to me in ever-smaller increments. I was one of many, faceless, nameless, carrying out an order without so much as a moment to think of the expected result. Barely time to brush your teeth and shave your face, and definitely not enough time for thought, or emotion. Afterwards, I would live in the barracks. For those who don't know, barracks are like dilapidated college dorms full of single, alpha-male type people. There wasn't much in the way of companionship, but there was a shared experience. I lived in the same space as hundreds of other people, going about their lives exactly the same way I was... and I knew nearly all of them.
Then I met someone who I thought was special, and got married - for the first time, anyway. Things were good for a while, and I always knew that I'd have someone to talk to at home, someone to share my feelings and my life with. The military deployed me, and I spent seven months on a ship, sharing everyday life with two thousand other people. Once again, not truly alone.
I came home and discovered that she'd had an affair while I was gone - one which was still happening. It took a month to finally get the proof that I needed, but in that time I'd grown very close to one of my female friends that was there for me when I needed someone to talk to. When I finally confirmed that my wife had been cheating, I latched on to that friend... and she took advantage of it. She wanted me to be hers, and she had me eating out of the palm of her hand in no time. Divorce #1.
Very shortly after that, I married that friend. I realize now that I was just trying to fill the void that wife #1 left. The relationship was emotionally abusive. She was controlling, she withheld affection, she was quick to anger, she humiliated me, and she made me feel like it was all my fault. It was miserable, but I wasn't alone. I left the military, we moved to a different state, we had a baby, and she became my whole life. I didn't make any new friends, because she demanded every instant of my free time. My life consisted of work, her, work, her, and more work.
After one of our many fights, she put an ad on Craigslist for - well, what people put ads on Craigslist for. She didn't actually meet with anyone, but she had an online boyfriend for about a month. She confessed it to me after another fight, and it broke open the same wound from before - a wound that had never healed. My emotions for her were just gone, like someone flicked a lightswitch. She moved back home to her parents in the next state, and took our little girl with her. Divorce #2.
*EDITED - I can't keep talking about this part, because it makes me feel guilty for what I'm doing. Sorry, folks.*
So now I live in a big, empty house. I have no romance. I have no friends - all chased away by my ex wives. I have no family around for hundreds of miles. For the first time in my life, I am truly alone... and I don't know how to do it.
StillRadioactive 22-25, M 4 Responses 3 Dec 16, 2012