I Don't Know Anymore

I'm not an outgoing person. I find myself alone because I put myself in this situation. I didn't intend to do so but because I withdrew from life, I have nobody.

I guess it started back in high school. I never came out to anyone, I was 'in the closet'. I didn't have many friends and I became stressed and depressed quickly because of high school so I dropped out but my mother wasn't having that. She put me in a program to be home schooled so I was home schooled until I graduated at the age of 17. Bad idea, I became even more depressed. Now I wasn't around anyone. My mother pushed me to get my drivers license and I did, I passed all the written tests and the drivers tests perfectly and she even bought me my own jeep. I felt awful, I didn't need a license or a vehicle..I didn't have a life, I didn't have any friends and that made me feel bad because she spent all that money. The only thing I had was the internet. I created a myspace, facebook, myyearbook and I did make some friends and I quickly became a somewhat happier person. To this day I still have no friends and the internet is my only tool for communication. I still blame myself. I have no real experience with being social so when I do go out I just make myself look like an idiot because i'm a shy, and awkward. I've been given dirty looks and called names because i'm 'flamboyant' and my voice is higher than most males. I don't know how to get out of this slump I put myself into. I live in a small town with no real entertainment and the closest city is over an hour away. The internet is all I have, these people I've made connections with online are great but just not...real. I'm only 20 years old, I have many years ahead of me but I've come to the point where I love being alone and the comfort of the internet has made it so no real interaction is necessary.

What do I do? I'm open to meet others, but I no longer have a vehicle and I've developed social anxiety and i'm scared of getting beat up for my sexuality.
ghostlys ghostlys
18-21, M
2 Responses Jan 9, 2013

My heart was breaking as I read your story. A dear friend of mine just so happens to be a lesbian,and she too has told me how dangerous it can be for her. She has actually been threatened with rape by men so they can "cure" her "lesbianism". We have a problem in America and it can be very dangerous to be an openly gay person, especially an openly gay man.
With that said, you MUST find the courage to get out there! There are others like you who will accept you, you just haven't found them yet, and you're not going to by staying indoors.
Do you go to school? You mentioned H.S but have you enrolled in Community College or any college? That is a great place to start. If money is an issue there are federal grants that will pay for you to attend for free. You said you live in a rural area, that can be difficult. Have you ever thought about leaving?
I think you have many things going on that keep you pent up. I think you should talk to someone. Not because you're weird or crazy, because they have the skills to coach you and help you discover your inner strength. In fact, I've been contemplating seeing someone. I have anxiety, depression, self doubt, and confidence issues.

Don't be shy, Not everyone is so bad.

I live in a small town, Everyone here is Decently backwoods, they don't accept different people or change.

I'm sure things will look uo, you just need the right mind set, You have to want it to change.
You can't just hope for the best.

I hope Everything goes nicely and you work your way out of your "shell".