Will Things Ever Change?
When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful, attractive young woman that possesses the qualities that most men say that they want, but yet I'm single. Most of my experiences with men have been dysfunctional, from the time I was fourteen years old. I have given in relationships and really have nothing to show for them. I've been humiliated, emotionally and verbally abused and simply used.
I've never had a functional relationship with a man where when it was all over I felt he really cared about me. I'm twenty six year old, and I think what makes things so difficult for me is it seems everyone around me, people at work people I went to school with all have the life that I want so bad to have. I feel as if I'm in some sort of rut. Maybe it's the pressures that doesn't make it any better or seeing another old friend getting married and having a child when I can't even have a healthy relationship with someone.
When I was a kid, I thought things would be totally different by this time now. I thought I would be married with a few kids and just taking care of my family. I have a great career and received an promotion, but when you don't have anyone to call your own to share it with it's hard. It's hard coming home to an empty house every night and having no one to come home to you. I just don't know what I've done wrong in my past, maybe I tried too hard or I wanted too much. I'm tired of seeing everyone live my dream. Yeah, I have this great career, but at the end of the day it's not really what I wanted. I work because I have bills to pay, but what I want is a family to take care of. I go from one disappointing relationship to the next to the next to the next. I'm finding the older that I get, the less strength I have. I use to be able to play hard to get, but I find myself becoming desperate and wanting men I know I would never be happy with just for the sake of not being alone and because I feel I may never find what I want or deserve.
I hate the fact that I'm becoming this woman. I go church, and I know that God loves me, but sometimes I wonder why so many around me are living MY dream and I'm not it's just funny to me. I've attempted suicide three times in 12 years and I'm still here. Sometimes I tell myself God must really have something grand for me for me to have done somethings that could have killed me and I survived. Then I think 12 years later and nothing has really changed, I'm still miserable and depressed and singing the same songs I've been singing for so long, why did he keep me around for this. Sometimes I wonder is some of us are just not meant to be happy here, sometimes I wonder if some of us are just meant to be alone. I became so low and myself esteem which was once so high is now shattered. I began to date a man that had a live in girlfriend and a child. I told myself that it was OK because he wasn't happy and she didn't treat him right and he was going to leave her. I told myself after all the pain and hurt that you have been through you deserve to have a man. Stop thinking about her think about yourself, if you live him alone you're going to have no one. I told myself I deserve to have a man that could make me happy. She was already pregnant by the time we got together so we found out about it after we were together. I was still so low that it was hard to live and months and months went by I still couldn't live him. The old me would have never started any of that. I became selfish and lost of hope. Like I said the old me would have never stooped this low. It's like the longer I'm alone the worse it feels and the worst that it gets because I feel maybe things will never change. I say to God and I say to myself. Aren't I not human? I don't deserve love and companionship like everyone else? Am I some type of animal? Why can't I feel loved just like everyone else? I was diagnosed with depression when I was in college. I think the most disappointing thing is when you expect something good to happen or you get your hopes up just to be let down. I just don't know. I'm tired, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of seeing everyone living MY dream, I'm tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down and I'm tired of losing who I am just to stop the pain. I worry that ten years from now I will be saying the same thing twenty, thirty maybe even forty years from now. I see women like that, 45 years old sad, alone and literally miserable never married that can honestly be me and the way things are looking now I see that as being more of a reality than having a family of my own.
I just want things to change, I don't to become more of a selfish person, who is weak and losing hope of ever having what she wants. I'm tired of crying all the time. I just don't understand why.