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Will Things Ever Change?

When I look in the mirror I see a beautiful, attractive young woman that possesses the qualities that most men say that they want, but yet I'm single. Most of my experiences with men have been dysfunctional, from the time I was fourteen years old. I have given in relationships and really have nothing to show for them. I've been humiliated, emotionally and verbally abused and simply used.

I've never had a functional relationship with a man where when it was all over I felt he really cared about me. I'm twenty six year old, and I think what makes things so difficult for me is it seems everyone around me, people at work people I went to school with all have the life that I want so bad to have. I feel as if I'm in some sort of rut. Maybe it's the pressures that doesn't make it any better or seeing another old friend getting married and having a child when I can't even have a healthy relationship with someone. 

When I was a kid, I thought things would be totally different by this time now. I thought I would be married with a few kids and just taking care of my family. I have a great career and received an promotion, but when you don't have anyone to call your own to share it with it's hard. It's hard coming home to an empty house every night and having no one to come home to you. I just don't know what I've done wrong in my past, maybe I tried too hard or I wanted too much. I'm tired of seeing everyone live my dream. Yeah, I have this great career, but at the end of the day it's not really what I wanted. I work because I have bills to pay, but what I want is a family to take care of. I go from one disappointing relationship to the next to the next to the next. I'm finding the older that I get, the less strength I have. I use to be able to play hard to get, but I find myself becoming desperate and wanting men I know I would never be happy with just for the sake of not being alone and because I feel I may never find what I want or deserve.

I hate the fact that I'm becoming this woman. I go church, and I know that God loves me, but sometimes I wonder why so many around me are living MY dream and I'm not it's just funny to me. I've attempted suicide three times in 12 years and I'm still here. Sometimes I tell myself God must really have something grand for me for me to have done somethings that could have killed me and I survived. Then I think 12 years later and nothing has really changed, I'm still miserable and depressed and singing the same songs I've been singing for so long, why did he keep me around for this. Sometimes I wonder is some of us are just not meant to be happy here, sometimes I wonder if some of us are just meant to be alone. I became so low and myself esteem which was once so high is now shattered. I began to date a man that had a live in girlfriend and a child. I told myself that it was OK because he wasn't happy and she didn't treat him right and he was going to leave her. I told myself after all the pain and hurt that you have been through you deserve to have a man. Stop thinking about her think about yourself, if you live him alone you're going to have no one. I told myself I deserve to have a man that could make me happy. She was already pregnant by the time we got together so we found out about it after we were together. I was still so low that it was hard to live and months and months went by I still couldn't live him. The old me would have never started any of that.  I became selfish and lost of hope. Like I said the old me would have never stooped this low. It's like the longer I'm alone the worse it feels and the worst that it gets because I feel maybe things will never change. I say to God and I say to myself. Aren't I not human? I don't deserve love and companionship like everyone else? Am I some type of animal? Why can't I feel loved just like everyone else? I was diagnosed with depression when I was in college. I think the most disappointing thing is when you expect something good to happen or you get your hopes up just to be let down. I just don't know. I'm tired, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of seeing everyone living MY dream, I'm tired of getting my hopes up just to be let down and I'm tired of losing who I am just to stop the pain. I worry that ten years from now I will be saying the same thing twenty, thirty maybe even forty years from now. I see women like that, 45 years old sad, alone and literally miserable never married that can honestly be me and the way things are looking now I see that as being more of a reality than having a family of my own.

I just want things to change, I don't to become more of a selfish person, who is weak and losing hope of ever having what she wants. I'm tired of crying all the time. I just don't understand why.

jesusknows jesusknows 26-30 104 Responses Aug 9, 2008

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I am a 27 year old male, and my story is very similar to yours. I have a really good career, I take care of myself, and believe to be a good looking person. When I was a sophomore in high school I dated a girl and we were together for 6 years she was constantly straying away from the relationship and finally ended up pregnant from another man and I ultimately ended the relationship. Since then I have dated but nothing has been serious. Being alone hasn't really bothered me at all up until just a few months ago, day after day I try and wrap my head around the idea of not having anybody and I just feel more and more depressed. I feel as if I have so much to offer, and so much love and support to give. I guess in the grand scheme of things I just don't feel whole, I feel as if there is a big part missing in my life.

I am 62 , I chased around looking for friends and a partner for decades, kept wondering what I was doing wrong that no one wanted me.

No happy ending, still alone. I am used to it now, still miserable but the pain is easy to cope with.

I don't get the god thing, have you considered studying some science, maybe you would meet more intelligent people.

Life may not get better but at least you wouldn't be wasting energy on nonsense.

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I am 30 and I experience the same situation ... people tell me I am smart .. tall ..amazing features and look very hot .. my college married frnds are after me for extra marital affairs .... guy I met to marry on matrimonial websites .. says the same .. awesome person .. but no one is ready to get married to me .... they just do not respond to me .....

I am doing professionally really well... my frnds are living my dream of a loving husband .. kids and are being loved....
and here iam . ready to sacrifice everything forjust oen guy ... and I don't get that guy ... I fail to understand why do god do this to us ...

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Hi lady, I've been single for over 4 years and I'm a single mother of a 4 year old boy. In this time I've realised a few things: 1. I had the relationships I had (bad ones like yours) because I was desperate for attention and to feel loved and hadn't learned to get the love I needed, from ME. I was looking everywhere outside of myself to feel validated. Yes. I could blame my upbringing but truth be told as an adult you decide who you want to be. If you don't feel right within yourself, pray, as it seems you are doing and if that isn't cutting it, seek help. If you are not happy being single and are settling for much less than what God has planned for you which is alot "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...". 2. If you are still alive, knowing that God loves you, it is because there is still more (beauty) for you to experience. Get your mind right. Challenge the thoughts you have in your mind about yourself and your situation AND replace them with the TRUTH. 3. Do not wish for just any kind of companionship because that is not what you really want. You want to firstly, have a good relationship with YOURSELF and secondly have somebody who sees you that way too and encourages you in all the things that make you feel worthwhile and valuable which you are. But first, work on feeling worthwhile and valuable then there will be no way under the sun, any guy who doesn't do the same will last 5minutes and you also won't be attracted to them.

Lady, you are fantastic. It's just time for you to see that. Please do see that. It's the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

With love,
anonymous :-)

I am 47 years old and could not help but cry when I read your post. I have been divorced for over 20 years and have been in one terrible relationship after another. I have been told that I am very beautiful, intelligent, and have a great heart, but I am certain that God is punishing me by not providing me with a good mate. I have high standards, but it does not appear that those standards have gotten me anywhere. ALL of the men that I meet my age have a ton of baggage, are players, have nothing materially, lack intelligence, do not have a sense of humor, and are never interested in getting to the "core" of me. I do not have children and get upset when people have the nerve to ask, "What? You mean, you don't have kids?" This is such a sensitive thing to say because it fails to realize that some people have NEVER found someone that is worth having children with. The thought of being a single parent, whether married or not, scares the hell out of me. I have seen too many women be single parents in my family, and I know that it is VERY HARD. I wonder why God is punishing me. I mean, although I know that I totally have it together in my professional life, and am beautiful and intelligent, I can't help but wonder WHY God is tormenting me in this way. It is impossible for me to pray because when I even think about praying, I think that God is sneering at me....laughing at my pain. The older that I am getting, I have come to realize that God DOES in fact punish some of us. We just were NOT meant to "have it all." I am part of a religion that stipulates that I ONLY marry someone in my religion, but my education does not make me a "great catch." Most men in my religion look down on an educated woman because they feel she is TOO independent (won't be a godly wife) OR they are waiting to attach themselves to me just so they can take advantage of me financially. I do not feel that I can win for losing. I am damned if I am in a relationship, and damned if I'm not in one. I feel so alone and do not feel that there is ONE person on this earth that understands me. I thought that I could work things out with my ex-husband, but he is so emotionally damaged and unavailable (not to mention a weed-addict) who is divorced from his second wife and bitter as hell. I know that going back there would be a HUGE mistake. I wonder WHY does God punish me.....

find a hobby you like ,and you will find new friends .that like the same hobby's .and join a club doing your your hobby doing that will help you meet people as friends .you must be friends first.

I'm 27..ill be 28... 2-28-14...I felt the same way...at 23. So I found this nice charming guy on the internet and girl let me tell u...he was to good to be true...we moved in together..I got pregnant... I thought I found my soul mate. Oneday I look through his phone and seen that he was talking to **** loads of woman..still on dating sites...still flirting with a few of his ex gf... my life is a f-ing nightmare... he's a scam artist. I love my son...and all I ever wanted was to find love... but I feel like I'm back where I started...again.

:(

My story is pretty much the same. i am 21 and i've never had a boyfriend. I don't want to come as a narcissist, but i am good looking, i go to the gym, i take care of myself, i have even had modeling jobs. But i've never had any kind of relationship. And i'm not very picky. But for some reason it is what it is. Sometimes i'm afraid i'm gonna become an old cat lady who has never married or had children. What i do is try to look the best i can, stay strong ( because the worse you feel inside, the less people are gonna want to be with you). well, i don't know... what i think is that if you are self confident, good-humoured and overall feeling good, people around you will automatically want to befriend you. it's hard to do so, but it's worth to try.

you need to take and use the same advise ,you give out. join a club on things you like to do .and find real friends .

It was a great comfort to read your story. I feel exactly the same. I'm nearly 30 and in the last 3 years have watched all my friends get married and settle down. Every man i have been with has let me down in one way or another and i feel i will never be enough for anyone.

I have so much to offer, i'm not a bad person and can't understand where i'm going wrong. I come home every night and cry myself to sleep, the only little bit of light i have is that there is someone special out there. I'm just so fed up of being let down.

I met a guy online almost a year ago and i know he isn't right for me, but like you I just don't want to be alone. I don't see him that often but when we do see each other we usually end up argueing. He doesn't like talking on the phone so i can't even call him when i feel lonely as i just feel like an annoyance to him. I just want someone to come home to and cuddle up with. I want to be able to make plans with someone, laugh with, someone to support me, but most of all i want to make someone happy, and feel like i have a point in life

These feelings started at uni, i would come back to my uni house and lock myself in my room. I just needed someone to be there for me but i had nobody.

I then started taking prescription painkillers to make me fall asleep. I stopped this when i moved back home after graduating but have now started to take them again.

I've never really had suicidal thoughts but i often think i'm totally useless.

I'm just fed up of feeling like this and want so much to be happy again

You have identified your problem yourself. You go from one dis appointing relationship to another, even though you know these men are not what you want because you don't want to be alone. You are also aware this makes you needy, and any man can pick up on this. It takes a lot of courage to finally decide that I respect myself too much to be with just anyone because I'm lonely, and face being alone. It's very painful to do, but no more painful than what you feel now, and you will have your self respect. Value yourself, and others will value you too. Decide what you want in a man, and don't settle for less.

I went through a horrible period in my twenties. I felt like you did, plus had a boy I was trying to raise on my own. Just stay strong and be brave, get out, make mistakes, go on dates. The more you try, the more you up your chances for success. Right now I am on the flip side. In a stable relationship minus the big job. Now I feel worthless and like dead weight. I am bored out of my mind and I feel like I lost my true value, which was being independent. Before I was alone and lost, now I am loved and still lost...So I guess I am trying to build on my relationship with myself right now, figure out how to love myself unconditionally and make myself happy...trust me! you can be with someone that loves you, and if you are not OK inside with yourself alone in a room, it wont make any difference. Hang in there, STAY POSITIVE, FAKE IT if you have to ...STAY BUSY. Do things that make you happy and DO NOT GIVE UP! We are all in the same game, just at different levels...

Hi ,reading this ,what u expressed i feel the same in many cases. I promise u that god has a fulfilling plan for u and not a bad one! Keep trying :)

I live your life. I have an amazing job, and all my friends want this job, but I'm just envious about their lufe. They go to their bf/ or husband after work. I go to an empty bed. I have no one to share the joy of my promotions, as i come home in my own. To make matters worse i also have very little friends since most date or we just lost touch. Im really tired. I would do everything to have a partner to be with. I sad, tired and getting to a point ot being just scared of dating as i dont know if they're genuine or just taking advantage.

that's my life, verbatim

I have just read your piece and identify with so many things u say. The only thing is I am 41, the sort of age u say u dread getting to and still being alone and feeling this way. Yes its worse as u lose all optimism as I know I'm not as attractive as used to be and no longer confident about my looks and body. I do have 2 sons, an 8 yr old and 4 yr old and don't feel id be here if wernt for having them.I'm single mum, their dad still sees them, hes also on his own, actually in much worse state to me as just lost his job and lives in a **** tip, at least i work p/t and have a clean, tidy house. I split up with kids dad when my eldest was a baby but slept with him still from time to time and got caught with my 2nd boy (which was last time I did & would be repulsed to do so now). I was only ever with kids dad as he kept comin back to me and neither ever met anyone else, realy can't say I ever loved him, just a case of him being better than nowt and don't regret one bit having both my sons though do regret that i didnt make more effort to try meet someone better and more suitable wen id more chance being loads younger. I'm still hoping to meet someone i can care about tho like I said any optimism I may have had wen younger has all but disapeared. I'm not old and sad looking, I dress fashionable and make effort with my appearence but havent any close friends so only talk with my young kids, family and workmates, no one to confide in or go out places with. Nothing to ever look forward to, just dread of getting older, illness and bereavement and kids growing up and leaving home. Absolutely awful, there has to be something better, I can't stand thinking about stuff and writing this as makes me want to scream and cry, but I'll just continue traipsing on cos iv no choice...and all I know how to do.

wat youve gotta understand is you gotta live like your never gunna have another chance to live. go out there make mistakes, visit other countries, try different foods. it may take you right back to the place you were in the first place but dont quit. i can say ive been in your shoes or traveled the world or even had a horrible life but i can say that we all only got one life and im sure the guy upstairs wants us all to do things he couldnt, skydiving, horseback riding, kiss a fish even any thing to make you feel alive. dont worry so much on the relationship stand cause wat ever presents its self at any particular time youll know and your heart will take you. i am about your age and im not no wise man but i can tell you once you honestly dont care about people and start caring about the world at large, everything WILL fall in place. i promise :)

yours truly
fixed life

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I understand I too have lost my self my way my light my spirit my glow my morals my dignity. This morning I have been thinking maybe its time to be selfish because I've given all I got I'm weak and I have been treated like I'm not human I have no family at all I'm lonely and tired hope never dies in the book of Matthew however maybe hope has her eyes closed find the strength ima give it all I got maybe even as if its my last shot. You're not alone

find hobby's and things you like to do, then join a club ,then you will find new friends.

I thought I was the only one that felt like that, thank you for sharing.

You've just told my story and the part that hurts the most, losing yourself. God be with you.

I have had a similar past...felt the world was open to me when I was younger...I traveled, went to school, had a future, felt alive, attractive, sexy, but then had failed relationships one after another...I blamed myself but in retrospect it was just that I was making bad choices in men...they told me who they were, but I didn't listen and was later hurt. I focused on my career and sort of shut off the emotional part of me that wanted more...now at 49 I regret that, but years ago when it all got to be too much, I finally forced myself to get counseling...I had made many many appointments over the years but never followed up...that time I forced myself to show up and had written down what I wanted to say because I didnt want to back out again, and to the surprise of the therapist, I read 4 pages with tears streaming down my face. The counselor (thank God) I chose by chance was very easy to relate to (reminded me of a good friend) and she recognized I was clincally depressed, which meant that no matter what I did therapy wise or otherwise, it wouldn't work without chemical correction in my brain, so she recommeded medication with the talk therapy. I felt ashamed and very resistant to that idea, but after talking with a close cousin, I found she had been through a similar thing...she recommeded I watch a movie called "What the Bleep Do We Know" which explained (in layman's terms) how the brain can work for & against you, and she told me she'd been on anti depressants for years...this was someone I trusted and thought had it "all together" I was blown away to realize that she felt the same isolation and depression I did! My regular, medical doctor put it this way "if you had a broken arm, would you just try to deal with it yourself, or would you go to a doctor to get it reset and get medication that would make you feel better?" I also talked to a few other friends and was surprised to find that many of them had been or were on anti depressants, and/or knew someone (or several people) who had or were taking them. So I took anti depressants and went to therapy for about 5 years and it "re-set" my brain and made things alot better, although now since I've been off them for 2 years, I can sort of feel the depression kicking back in and am going to my doctor next week to discuss. Sometimes its necessary to reach to professionals to help you get back on track. You sound like a young vibrant woman and I hope that you can reach out and find the proper help! Hang in there!!

Hey girl you've got a lot of pain. You should write down what is important to you in a man. For me it's strong faith, sense of humor, and self motivation. That way you will know exacly who you are looking for and you won't end up with awful guys. You should be able to find someone wonderful.
Also, if you are gonna live a faithful life, remember that Jesus taught us to take up our cross and follow him. Pain has a lot of value. Read the lives of the saints and their example will teach you a lot about life and the value of pain. Many lives are saved through the pain of the faithful.
I really do hope you find someone. It is not good to be alone. Good luck and God bless.

i hope find your dreamlife someday. u seam like a very good person

i hope find your dreamlife someday. u seam like a very good person

I really dont like this Jesus-stuff. If there is a god, he is most certainly evil or clumpsy or whatever else but all-good and all-powerful. Although, in a terrible world, for what its worth, i wish all of you the best. You have my best wishes.

And yes, im very lonely aswell, never even had a real relationship, and no, im not terribly unattractive.

I can say though that I dont agree with funkstuf that some of these guys here seem to be preying on women, i think u would find more such men everywhere else. The other way around, here u could prolly actually find a good man. Im not saying a councelor couldnt be a good idea, but funkstuf exaggerates the use of one..

Although, antidepressive medicine can be very effective to help u cope with and maybe even take u out of a depression, highly recommended. U would need to see a doctor for that.

Peace and gl guys

hmm, that kind of sounds like my life in away. i definitely feel those same feelings, like why is it never me, why cant there ever be an opportunity with someone i am really interested in. anytime there is even a slight chance, something has to ruin it,i cant figure it out. lets say im eating lunch right, and something bizzar happens like food spills all over me, this is the time when i will walk back to the office by an attractive girl when i have no chance. i could tell you countless times, something messes it up for me, and yes, i keep asking the same thing as you, is god punishing me for something. every single time i am attracted to a girl, she is in a relationship it is 100 percent. i dont know how many times i just couldnt wait to get home so i could burry my face in a pillow and ask god why this all happening to me. suppose it is a numbers game, and my number never seems to get called. all my friends are married or in relationships while i loner it out on weekeds. sometimes it feels like you just want someone to rescue you right.i dont want to be un sensative but i think myself and the rest of us need to change our thinking. everything in life is a result of how your mind operates, as you can see with myself, i tend to make excuses, and maybe i need to man up. i need to approach every single girl i am interested in regardless or rather its a bad hair day for myself or if she has a boyfriend, and maybe my luck will change. hey, when your rock bottom like i am, what exactly is there to lose. so i get denied by 10 women, i am basically going to come home and do the same thing i do every other night, beg for someone to answer my prayers and take me out of my misery :)

hi am valldo am som way . But I am man same. I trid to do the bast in live pleas evey one and be happy for ppl. I try to be nise,loveing, but no gril wants me . be happe u got frands,a job. am 20 years old i cant speall good, i talk to much, and my vose is anoying. Pleas be happy and keep posative one day u might a good man. i hop u add me by

I know how you feel. It's hard being lonely and it would be nice to have someone to come home to. On the other hand, you still have a lot of life left to live! You are still young and you still have time to find that special someone. I was recently engaged and we broke off our engagement. It has been really hard on me. Sometimes I feel like I made a huge mistake and I should have gotten married, but then I remind myself that I know I had doubts about going through with it. It's better to be single and lonely, than married and lonely - right?! Think about it. If you're married and lonely/depressed because you're unhappy in the relationship.... then you're REALLY stuck. Keep on praying and going to church. Matt 6:33 says "Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you as well." I know it's hard but Jesus has promised never to leave you or forsake you. He knows exactly what you need before you ask Him. The Father has promised that He will not give us a stone when we ask for bread. He gives good gifts to His children. And remember "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Maybe you are lonely in the moment, but "There is always the next moment." How about this.... and this is what i'm trying to do too... Channel your loneliness and depression and out of that REACH OUT to others... become a Big Sister to a child in need, or volunteer at a pregnancy crisis center.. there are others out there going through hard times too and when we reach out and encourage them, a funny thing happens... We ourselves become encouraged and blessed, and then comes true joy. Then maybe when you least expect it *BAM* that man will appear and GUESS WHAT? He will love you not because you sat around pining away and feeling sorry for yourself but because you were empowered by the Holy Spirit to go out and SERVE and bless others, and you rejoiced even despite suffering... learn from Christ, the Suffering Servant.... The LORD bless and encourage you and know that you have unimaginable value to the LORD.... God's thoughts for you are more numerous than the sand on the seashore... and you guessed it, as I typed this I was encourging myself too since I'm in the SAME boat as you... Blessings to you sister =) hang in there