Battling My Loneliness At School

I've turned socially awkward?

I used to have a lot of friends, a big group, that I felt I belonged in. I also could make friends easily just by saying hi to them. Now I am in high school and always feel alone so alone, walking through the halls by myself in the mornings and during classes. I try to talk to people, but its like i make them feel uncomfortable, or awkward because I'm so worried what they think of me (like I'm weird). Some of you may already know what high school girls are like (most aged girls in general). They don't like "newcomers" into their group, unless the newcomer is a) super pretty b) super funny and outgoing. Also, I can't hang out with my old group, and my best friend has ditched me for another girl (I believe she ditched me because I've known her for 3 years and nowadays we have nothing to talk about, especially because we have different schedules. People will suggest for me to talk to people that are in the same classes as I am, but I've realized the hard way that kids nowadays hate to talk about school, or it just bores them to death. Often people I try to hang out with ridicule or stare awkwardly at me in conversation, or just plain ignore me, and to me this is a sign that they think I'm weird and they want me to stay away. I don't understand why this is happening to me. It's not like I don't smile, or that I'm ugly or smell. I am pretty funny too. Okay, I may be a little shy, it's just that I'm not the type to just start singing or dancing randomly infront of people I don't know well, but I'm working on it. I'm still an extrovert, i get sad and depressed if I'm alone. People just don't seem to appreciate my company, and the convos I have with people tend to have alot of awkward silences. And then they stop trying to pursue me for a friend. I have awkward silences even with the most outgoing of peoples. So that proves that no one wants my company, or I'm plain boring. What do you guys talk about? Do you have awks silences day to day as well? Am I just overstressing? And I must say, I do make an effort to banish those awks silences, but whatever I say during those times always bores people out, making them dislike me even more than when we had those awkward silences. Is it because I seem clingy? Or am I trying too hard? Why do some people just attract people to them, like they can just sit there and someone will come to them and then BAM they are friends, like why :( . I always have to go up to someone. And btw I don't cross my arms or anything and frown during the hallways. I do everything I can to look pretty and presentable. Sometimes I will attract a person's attention for a while, by either complimenting or doing something really nice to them. But after a while, they seem really bored of me, like they are just waiting for class to be over. When I talk to them, they have the same pokerface throughout. And when they cannot take their boredom and the awkwardness, they turn around or walk away to talk to someone else. Like why do people use me as a tool? Someone they can throw around without considering what the person feels like to just be left there like that. Why does no one take my presence on Earth seriously? I am a kind, kind person. Is it cause I have a weird smile? Like some people have a lot of friends, but when i try to make friends with them they seem really bored or are just dying to get away from me. When I make a friend or aquaintance I tend to always want to talk to them, but too bad i am now socially awkward and don't know how to keep them interested in my friendship to them. Tell me, what makes a person weird to you? Does going up to someone and saying, "HI, how are you" make you weird??? :( Please help me figure out why I've become so awkward and how I could regain my lost numbers of friends, I'm so lonely, i think of suicide but i aint have the guts :( Ahh I can't take this loneliness anymore. And btw, i do join extra-curricular activities, but the same routines happen to my social life there. IN fact, its worse there. Everyone is huddled in groups. Laughing girls, really having the time of their life. I do realize that I tend to stare at people creepily, or accidently frown (technically my pokerface) at them. MInd you I look mean when I don't smile, and creepy when I do.
I can't even focus on grades anymore, nor can I sleep at night because of all this. (its basically killing me, ruining my life and future). If only I didn't take past friendships for granted, i never knew I would become this girl with this personality today.
An Ep User An EP User
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

You are basically me,this is exactly how I feel but also my friends all have boyfriends and I don't x

Iunderstand how you feel completely, and saying hi to people definitely doesn't make you weird, i have 1 best friend whos in another class, so i have no-one to do projects with, and i feel really sad and think about suicide, but dont have the courage, but i think- im worth it, and, what about the future when im done at school? So i hope you find your way soon, but i know its not easy, and breaking out of your shell is hard but people make it sound easy, even though its not! Good luck :)

I am totally experiencing the same thing as you though I live in another far away country , what I've learned is that you need to stop trying too hard , and seem like you care too much , you have to force your presence and stand up to them , don't be like scared of them not liking you , be strong and don't give a **** what they will think , and btw you need to stand out more , like publicise yourself but in a good way .

Wow, as reading this, i felt as if i were reading something i wrote myself.