I Have No Idea What Is Happening To Me, And It Surely Hurts...deeply Hurts

i am a 35 yrs old single male, normally very funny, fun to be with, loves life, loves to joke, very compassionate, caring, modest, humble...creative.
but yet i am in constant state of worry and anxiety, very family orientated as i am scared for things that might happen to any of my loved one.
for as long as i remember my mind is always raging with thoughts and questions, even since i was a kid...used to be very smart as school...even i remember used to get sick of anxiety during the exams.
My family life is in constant problems, not me with them, but them with eachother, i never take sides, but neutral to all...but it bothers me, to an extent i am hating being in the house.
Lost my dad a year an half ago, and he was one strict person (may his soul rest in peace).
anyway, had major setbacks in my life, since i was 21 years old, broke up from a relationship that was 7 years old, got over it, continued my studies, and i graduated in business studies marketing, and graphic design,
lately i have a passion for photography.
for the last 3 years of my life, i have been working in africa, and things didnt go well at all, kept on struggling all thetime, to enhance my financial situation, only starting last year that things started to break even with me.
i had to come to visit my finaly for my dad's 1 st year ceremony, and since then i am stuck here...my business in africa got robbed clean...so financially i am zero, we had to sell a house of ours in the city to make some money, but up to this moment we didnt get paid, as heritage documents are so darn difficult to do.
during this time, i met a girl, and we fell in love, and we broke up knowing that she was cheating, it took good 4 months to get over it.
i am jobless for a year now, my mum gives me my daily expenses, which sucks, as i cant find a job, nor get back to where i was to restart over again, and still waiting to get paid so that i start doing anything, to feel worthy again.
lost interests in everything, i am always sad, and pessimist.
Conveniently religious i am.
Till one day when i had to smoke a 3 or 4 puffs of weed, and where everythign started to get bad, 2 days later i started feeling odd, and feeling not me, constant foggy head, utmost melancholy, things seem to be unreal, apparently i suffered from what is called DP (Depersonalization Disorder), i toughed it out, with the help of my sister whom i trust a lot, and she is the one whom i can tell everything...
i started getting better, visited new places, started to get my old me again, till last week, when i have had insomnia for almost 4 days, feel very sleepy, but cant sleep, up to yesterday, where i felt that i am losing myself, cold chills, low heart rate beats, and as if something is holding and pressing on my brains, everything seems very disturbing, the sound of silence is driving me crazy, questioning every single thing in my life, i mean everything, for example, how am i seeing? how am i hearing? how am breathing, how am i feeling? and it is very disturbing...
i went over to my sister and i talked to her, she reminded me of my old me, and who i am , and what i have been through...jobless, pennyless, single, family problems, all the things that went wrong in my life...and she said it is only only normal to feel like this...i sort of felt ok, talking to her, but when i came back home, i feel like my whole body is dry, and my mind is like scratched or wounded, constant pressure on my head...i feel like i am out of my body, i act normally, as no one in the house, knows what i am passing through excpet my sister, as i try to act normally, they dont need more pressure or stress in theri lives... i am totally against taking any medicine, i amanged to sleep, but had these nasty disturbing dreams, but i forced myself to sleep, and accepted everything that is bothering me...
i am disturbed from darkness, from silence, from sounds...i woke up, feeling this way, all i could do is cry, which made me feel a bit better, and started searching online, for a support group, till i found this one...
so i wanted to share my story with you good poeple, maybe someone had passed through the same, and can or may give me his/her opinion...
i am scared that i might be getting crazy, which deep down i know i am not, but negative thoughts are always running through my mind...
i miss the old me...
some say its mid life crisis, others say it si accumulated stress which triggered depression...i dont know, i really dont...in a state of limbo and confusion i am...
and no, i am not getting any suicidal thoughts...
and i am very proud person (my friends used to tell me that i am so full of myself) and i am totally against the idea of seeing a shrink, or a psychologist...
is it my life pace that is causing all this? will this ever change when my life gets a positive change?
thank you for reading.
God Bless.
peacefinder peacefinder
31-35, M
5 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Hey peacefinder. I can relate to almost everything you've said. I've gone through very similar experiences and I'm with you on the no meds philosophy. But why are you against talking with a therapist? Isn't this forum a similar concept? I've found that in person, it's a lot more meaningful.
A "tool" that may help you is the following:
In any given moment, there are both positive and negative forces at play- both literally, positive and negative ions in the air we breath, and energetically(mentally and emotionally as well).
The technique is simply to focus on the positive parts, and to be grateful for them. To ask yourself every moment "what is the most positive aspect of this moment?". Sometimes it's difficult to find, but it's always there, just takes a little practice.
You know you're not doing it right when you find yourself focusing on the negative aspects, ie. weird pulse, worrying thoughts, fear, despair. It's good to be aware of those to, to acknowledge them, but not to FOCUS on them for more time than they're worthy of.
So what's the most positive aspect of this very moment? Well, for me, it's the feeling of the sunlight on the backs of my hands. And in this moment it's the opportunity to help someone. And this moment it's the image in my head of a delicious meal I'm about to have. And so on. That's just one technique, feel free to use it or not, and Good luck!

Thanks a lot shepperd44.
I have been forcing myself to regulate my sleeping patterns.as well, something thayts helping...and getting myself to more socialize.
I want to share something that happened with me today...my cousin passed away today and went to the funeral...a sad gathering, but i was well socializing, and i felt good...and during the burial, something hit me...that death is the toughest and strongest and worse thing that could happen to a person...so why be down for any thing since one day ill end up in that hole...as weird as it sounds...but i felt better...
And i realized that i need to socialize more and there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Great, well not about your cousin...,but yes being with friends and family is very important!

Sorry to hear about your cousin peacefinder :(

you might have anxiety like me...it's when you can't stop worrying no matter what, you can't stop thoughts from going through your mind over and over...exercise is supposed to help too..as well as meditation

yes that is why i said Wow.... it is a long post and you have had a lot of bad luck...

i am disappointed that you seem to think it's a weakness to see a doctor or take meds...people who are severely anxious/depressed like me need those things to live...and it sounds like you may have an illness... people don't always understand that mental illness is physical. It is not just some made up thing in my head so I can get out of work on Mondays! It has physical symptoms (like messed up sleep) and also emotional ones...please consider seeing someone..because people here can only support you we cannot fix you....

Will do...
Thank you heaps.


Is that a lot that it deserves a wow?