My Loneliness Will Be The Death Of Me.

I'm 22 years old. I've never had a girl interested in me and I've never had many friends. I was never even remotely popular in school. I'm severely depressed, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and have been on medication for most of my life.

I met my best friend in high school. (I was sent to a private high school after I went to a public school and had a borderline abusive teacher, not to mention tons of bully issues.) We would hang out about once a month, trading off whose house we would go to. We got along great, and I looked forward to it every month. After all, he was the only guy in the area that I considered a friend. This went on for about 4 years after we graduated.

Last September, we took a trip to Seattle together to go to Penny Arcade Expo. We both paid for our own plane tickets, and dutched the room bill and the meals. As far as I could tell, we had a good time, although he admitted that he didn't enjoy it as much as I did. There were some misadventures, of course. I wanted to go to two different meetups and both of them turned out to be busts. While we were in the terminal on the way home, he said that he wouldn't do it again because he thought "it was too expensive for what you got."

I sent him an email the next month, asking him how he was doing. His response was brief and something along the lines of "Busy with school, clubs, and figuring **** out." I haven't heard from him since. He won't return emails or calls, he deactivated his Facebook profile and removed me from his Skype contacts. I have accepted the fact that I will likely never hear from him again.

My only other two friends are both thousands of miles away on the other side of the country, one in Pennsylvania, one in New Jersey. (I live in California.) I only really speak to one of them because I don't know the other's work schedule and he's a very busy guy. The one I talk to will not meet up with me because she can't afford to come out here and won't let me help her with it because of something related to her ex.

I am cripplingly lonely. Today, I walked six miles round trip to make an unannounced visit to an old co-worker just so I could have someone to talk to. I couldn't tell if I was bothering him or not, but he talked to me for a while and I felt better for about an hour. It was the first time I had a meaningful conversation with someone that wasn't my therapist or psychatrist in a face-to-face setting since September. And now January's almost over.

People don't even look at me. It's almost like I don't even exist. I am acknowledged when it is convenient for them. When they want something. And I inevitably do whatever it is they want because I want their approval.

Last Saturday, I got up the courage to talk to my long-time crush and ask her out for lunch. She seemed receptive to the idea at the time, so I gave her my number. Looking back on it, I realized that I likely annoyed her and I am not expecting a call.

I've never caught a girl looking at me. Not surprising. I'm overweight and not overly attractive. Not hideous, but I don't stand out in any way. I get attached to people easily, especially girls. Of course, whenever that happens, I get a faint glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the one. Inevitably, I find out that they're taken or otherwise uninterested.

My self-esteem is practically nonexistant. I feel completely inferior to all others. I can't remember a time I felt happy or loved. There are days where I feel stable, but often I find myself longing for love and companionship. And on those days, I wish I could just close my eyes and die. I find that I have been romanticizing death a lot recently, and how happy I'd be to die in the arms of someone I loved. I understand though that even if I do eventually die (which I'm starting to doubt will ever happen), I will do so alone.

There are two things that keep me alive. Three if you count lack of effort in trying to kill myself. The first is my spirituality. I'm a spiritualist and feel that my suicide would deeply disappoint the people that know me on the other side. On my more cynical days, I question if these people even exist. The other reason is that I don't want to traumatize my mother. She is already beginning to fray a bit, and I feel my death would send her over the edge. I don't want her to suffer because of something I did.

And so I continue living. Not because I want to, but because I have nothing better to do. I feel that I will be alone eternally and, should I ever die, few will mourn my passing.
Torcularis Torcularis
22-25, M
4 Responses Jan 30, 2013

Go to church. You will find acceptance, love, and unconditional friendship with no questions asked.....and perhaps love.

I have a photo on my desk of a man named Raphael Lemkin. He was a lawyer and a linguist (fluent in nine languages). He fought during WWII in the Polish army and was wounded defending his home. He lost most of his family in the holocaust. He is by most accounts, the man most singularly responsible for the creation and ratification of the UN Convention on Genocide, a word he personally coined. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize five times and published eleven books during his life.

He died of a heart attack at age 59 in a public relations office while trying to get the US to ratify the convention. He was completely penniless and completely alone. Seven people attended his funeral. He had no friends to speak of and no woman ever really gave him so much as a second look.

I know how you feel, but I push it aside when I look at that photo. Being alone is tough on anyone. I guess the question you should ask is, would I like to be like Lemkin or would I like to be liked? Find your cause and throw yourself into it.

Your writing style is very good by the way. You should consider writing (perhaps a book?) or blogging, I would certainly read what you have to say.

Hi I'd like to help u when will u be online?

Hi Torcularis, read your story and I would like to help you help your self if I may.
Start by asking yourself what do you want to achieve. Define a goal.
(Not having a goal tends to make people feel lost and depressed)
- Make sure this is your goal. You are doing it for yourself and yourself alone.
- Define how you are today in relation to that goal.
- Identify what you are missing if you don't achieve it.
- Identify what you will loose once you achieve it.
- If the goal looks too impossible to get there all in a jump, what are the steps, the mile stones, the small goals that you need to achieve to end up with the big goal.
-Feel how you will feel once you got to the first milestone. what you will see? what will you say to yourself? what other people will say?
-How will you feel like when you get to your goal?
-How will you know you have met it?
If you want write me your answers and we can move from that point forward
Take care