Gay, Small Town, Bored, Lonely, Depressed.

I am a 33 yo guy who spent 30 years with my father. 17 Years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, had many surgeries, and was successful at beating the disease into submission. Shortly after he was done with his surguries, my mother passed away. At 15 going on 16, this was a tragic thing in my life. I spent the years after my mother passed away trying to be the best person for my father and for my family, completely ignoring my own needs. I don't know why but at the time it felt as though I needed to conform and avoid the differences that were inside me. I spent a lot of time trying to make friends that were not really that great for me.
My father passed away 3 years ago. We never did an autopsy to find out what it was, but he was pre diabetic and having sugar issues, as well as the cancer had returned but he was not forthright with us about it. We did spend a lot of time together, and he was a great part of my life, but he was also my excuse to ignore problems in my life.
I am overweight and spend a lot of time with friends that are overweight and they bring my spirits up by being happy with me about eating. Most of our plans revolve around meals and restaurants and I just have a tough time saying no to them. All this time I am struggling with my sexuality. I live in a very rural part of the country. There are not a lot of gay people that I want to associate with because the sexual part of their relationships seams to be a risky and degrading part of their lifestyle. I embrace my own sexuality with a positive and loving light, where as many of the men I chat with make it about a quick fling with a wayning libido after it all. I seek out different men and try to be involved in different ways to try to find a good person, but it seems as though there is a limp amount of people here that feel the same ways I do. I feel like I've reached a chasm and there is no way over it. I do not want to move, but lately I feel less and less a part of the place that I live. With income falling, the person that had my back, emotionally that is, gone I have little to live for. Working harder is not helping me acheive anything better. All it is doing is making me tired, with not much increase in income, and those around me really don't get my mind frame. I keep coming the same conclusions. I have to move away. But then I think of all the things that I would need to accomplish to do that, costing money firstly, as well as the amount of time and energy required, I end up in the same depressed, tired state as before. I've truly worked myself into a corner I think. HELP?

dogchow101 dogchow101
31-35, M
2 Responses Feb 8, 2013

I was once heavier than I am now, but I'm still not "skinny" ... just average weight for a man my age. I do love to eat out in restaurants though, and also prepare meals at home. I still do those things, but I make wiser choices and eat smaller portions - and exercise a LOT more.

I grew up in a very suburban environment, but about 10 years ago I moved to a big city. As a gay man, this was one of the best decisions of my life. Have you considered moving?

I know just how you feel I live in a cold damp flat in a crap area..I am sick so on benefits and I would just love to pick up a bag full of my stuff grab my gf and get out of here..but reality is so different and money is a huge issue for me too..I am also lesbian so understand the struggles that presents..u are not alone!