I am a 32 year old woman. I have been single for 7 years. I have only had one "serious" boyfriend and since then all I have experienced is heartbreak. Disastrous dates, flings, no real connection with any one. I live in a huge city where I technically should be able to find someone. I get so depressed every day, because I am just going through the motions, rushing around, going to work. The aloneness just kills me. I have nobody calling me to say they care, or no hugs at the end of a long day. No shoulder to cry on, all these things I really miss about being in a relationship. For the first few years that I was single again, I threw myself into dating and partying. Just getting out there was the main thing. I thought I was doing good for myself. All I have found is men who just want one thing. What hurts the most is that I have tried to get close to a few guys I have met and fallen for. I am so lonely that I have been chasing a guy friend, and I am trying to cut him off but I end up texting him again. It was me trying to ask him out. I feel like I have humiliated myself trying to get the guys I want, and it doesnt happen for me. Sometimes, like today, I was eating my dinner alone in a busy train station in London. People everywhere, rushing around. Yet I am so alone. I often wonder if I will ever get the chance to be happy. Will I ever find anyone to love me again? When I see happy couples or happy families I well up inside. I am from a culture that values marriage and family the most. When I went back to my home country this summer, all I was asked was, why I am still single. It makes me feel like a failure. When people ask that, they are saying: What's wrong with you?
I have lost all of my friends over the years, nobody stuck by me as I suffer quite badly with depression. Most people don't want to know. I thought I had friends, how wrong I was. I've met so many ****** people or people who just don't understand depression. They get angry with me for having it or not being social enough.
I used to busy myself socially so much so I wouldn't feel my pain. Because when you stop and sit with yourself, the silence is deafening.
I have not been able to find a steady job for years, and I am stuck in a serious of temp admin jobs. I can't figure out what I am supposed to be in this life. Without love or even close friendships, everything feels meaningless. Even my job makes me feel faceless. This week I started a new temp job, I had nothing to do as the PA does not want to delegate to me, she likes to keep a hold on her own job and workload.
I am just trying to use all my willpower to not contact this guy I like. I have tried to chat him up, flirt, I have even sent him a picture in my undies. He didn't react. I tried to cut him off yesterday by saying a goodbye message, then he replied to say he was free this week. I said I missed him and wanted to see him. He said he would be around this week. He somehow got ME chasing HIM by indicating he'd be free to meet, then not replying. He just wanted to keep me there maybe for amusement. I feel angry, stupid and rejected. This is what happens when I try to reach out to people. Now I just give up. Why should I chase men? They hate it and run further the other way! I am so humiliated.
I have so much debt and hate reading stories of how much it will take to buy a place in London. I had to move back with my parents last year due to lack of steady income and debts. I am ashamed of that too.
Even when I have seen old friends, sometimes they have completely blanked me. It really hurts.
Seeing everyone else grow up, get married, have their kids and house already. I am just alone, living a colourless life.

I just want to be loved.
firecracker1 firecracker1
26-30, F
9 Responses Aug 20, 2014

What is wrong with these people playing stupid games with people's feelings??! Don't they realise how much they hurt people by leading them on with their thoughtless and selfish behaviour? Either they should say that if they like someone or f**king well leave them alone if they have no real intentions

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I feel the exact same way when you said the part about feeling like a failure when asked why I'm still single. I hate it a lot. It makes me feel the worse. I ruin every relationship I have. I would like to chat with you since I feel like we have something in common.

Sucks having to be the one to pursue doesn't it? Now you know how most guys feel.

I wish you the best of luck in your search. Hang in there and don't lose hope. You never know when the love of your life will appear. 🌷

You just haven't found the right man!

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I feel some of these things at times also. The hardest part for me is not being close to my friends anymore. Like you said, your friends don't want to know. Like they can't be bothered because they have what they want or maybe they think your "condition" is contagious. Lol. Who knows...

We, as people are not meant to be alone and you won't be. Never give up hope and believe that you will be happy. I know these are just words but I truly believe that sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for. All of those so called "happy" married people really aren't that happy. A lot of people take the first thing that comes along because they can't be alone. They will never admit it, but I'm sure there are some that regret it.

You will find a man that will pursue you and won't let you go!

Well if you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to let me know :) Hope you have better days soon :)

You're not alone believe me. I feel a lot like you do, but I'm a guy. Don't accept that you are meant to be alone because you are not. Don't give up hope no matter how hard it is.