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Lonely And Depressed For A Very Long Time

Hi everyone:

  I have been depressed for years.  It always goes up and down, and you could say I have some bouts of "non-depression", but most of the time I am sad. It started when I was a teenager (13 o 14).  I am gay, which makes things even worse, because it's very hard to find friends who will truly accept me.  And even those who accept me (including other gay friends), I am not always so sure about how much I can trust them or how much they like me.  Also, I feel like I just don't fit.  I wish I could read minds so I would know what others think of me.  I've thought about talking to my friends about this sort of stuff, but I don't know. First, I don't want to be the "needy friend", because nobody wants to hang out with someone like that.  And I don't want to ask anyone: "Do you like me?" or "What do you think of me?", because, again, this is not the kind of stuff that friends usually say.  If I ask these kinds of questions, I think I'll be branded as weird or my intentions may be misinterpreted.

  I don't know what to do.  Most of the time I just want to die.  I am so tired of trying to make close friends and never being able to.  Most people see me as a very nice person, but nobody wants to be close to me.  My phone rarely ever rings, and when it does it's usually someone asking me for a favor.

  Who can I trust?  When I open myself up to others, I end up getting hurt.  It's always this way.  I either have to protect myself by not getting involved with other people (friendships), or I have to know that I will get hurt, which happens most of the time.  Maybe I expect too much from people, I don't know.  I don't think I do.  But why is it that nobody wants to be close to me.  Those who say they are my friends only want a casual relationship with me, that's all.  Nobody truly cares for me.  Nobody lets me get close to them.  I feel like they protect themselves from me.  I hate this!!!!!

 

romual romual 31-35, M 7 Responses Nov 23, 2009

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I can totally relate except i dont have any friends and ive given up its also extra hard benn a gay agoraphobic and not out, sometimes (well most of the time) i realise im ment to be alone im not the sort of person worth getting to know. Ive said it before but not sure if on here but theres the saying that if one person has a problem its theirs if multipule people say and think the same the problems probably with you. Now that dosent sound reassuring but your not alone and for all those that dont have the time for you (and us all in the same boat) there are still those who want the same things and maybe were meant to find one another. I hope your coping better than i and allthough im still alone as ever there are people who seem geniuine on this site and are worth getting to no even when you feel you are not.<br />
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I think that came out a bit backhanded but i hope you get my meaning. Your not alone

No I don't think you expect too much of people. I think people have evolved (since I was a kid in the 60's) into a society that lacks the ability to get too involved, and is way more worried about immediate gratification. Money, sex and status we place about Love and closeness, but I think if you go back just 100 years you'll find a lot of people who put latter at the top. <br />
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When someone is feeling so down that there's no hope, words seem meaningless. So all I can do is ask/beg you to hear me out.<br />
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Right now there are people who only wish they could be you. People are severely handicapped who would give everything just to be independent, see the color green....be able to girate up and down to good music, or carry a hammock to the river's edge to kick back with a book and a large jug of iced tea. <br />
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I've been where you are. I still wrestle with it. But it is these ideas that remind me I really do have something to live for. If you need an ear, reach out to some of the compassionate, good people on this site. <br />
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As simple as it sounds, get an mp3 pla<x>yer, stick in the earbuds, turn on some great music, find a secluded place with green scenery and a long path....and take a brisk long walk. Get into the habit of doing it! Force yourself in the beginning and it WILL get easier. As time goes on there will be positive chemical changes within your brain...and soul-lifting experiences that will make life seem lighter and brighter. <br />
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Do it for me.<br />
The best to you

Hi Romual, I wanted to reply because I thought perhaps my perspective might help. You see I am coming from the point of view of someone who has a friend who I really like but feel like they need me way too much. I came across your post because I was searching for advice on how to handle it without hurting their feelings. I think that some of the advice you have been offered on here is wrong. To just 'be yourself' and if they don't like it 'who needs them' etc. I disagree with that. Personally I am an empathic person and I have a fear of letting people down. That fear is increased tenfold if I know they are vulnerable and suffer from depression as my friend does. I know people who have committed suicide, nothing to do with me but just to get the point across that the fear of having a negative impact on someones life is not necessarily unfounded or unrealistic. Think of the potential guilt. It's a vicious circle. If there is not the sense of an open door then a friendship can't function healthily. That's the situation you are facing. You have to deal with your issues away from your friendships as otherwise it is not fair on them. Definitely learn to love yourself etc but also understand that other people are also vulnerable even if they appear to cope with life. If you can focus on trying to be what they need in their life, you will begin to feel good about that and your self esteem will improve. Of course they will appreciate you and so it goes... hope this helps you or anyone else who may be wondering about this and stumble across this page.

Hi Romual, Happy Thanksgiving! I'm sorry I didn't check back in sooner. I think you should just be yourself. Start by letting the person know how you feel about them,what they mean to you and also how much their opinion/approval means to you. Let them know how hard it is for you to open up about stuff,since you've had bad experiences with this in the past. If they tell you that they are there for you and that you can talk to them about anything, then discuss these problems you've been having lately,insomnia,anxiety,low self esteem etc. This may help you both understand each other better. I know all about insomnia, I can't sleep longer than 3hours@ a time. I've also battled anxiety&depression for many years, among other disorders. I've been on just about every medication on the market and am hyper sensetive to medication as well. I've had allergic reactions to a lot of them, and bad side effects with others.(I have to say that I was never for medication, I feel that society is often too "pill happy" yet, I went into med therapy with an open mind). It's also usually a combination of therapy and medication. What works for some people, will not work for others. Sometimes therapy can really help. It sounds like you have a lot of issues(especially if you couldn't sleep as a child, I couldn't either!) And I know what I went through. You deserve to get better! You sound like a very intelligent,caring and respectful guy. You've made the first step here. I'm glad that you want to get better! I know it's not easy but you may have more support than you know! You've got mine! Hang in there and remember that while it takes time, there is an answer out there for you. You've gotta keep trying til you find what works for you. I wish you all the best and I really hope this helps!

Thanks for the comments. I have tried anti-depressants, but they don't really work for me, plus I get too many side effects from them anyway. Sometimes anti-anxiety medications and others help me sleep (insomnia is another big problem I have, since I was very little). <br />
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To ElusiveHeart: If I did ask someone about what they think of me and such, how would you think I should do that without pushing people away? I mean, I don't want to be pushy, needy, anything like that. I just would like to have an idea of what to do to improve my friendships, especially with those who I care about the most, which seem to be some of the people who precisely I am having most trouble getting close to.

We, my wiffe and I, finally learned depression is an illness. Illnesses requires treatment. We have improved her situation thru therapy and shrinks guessing which mesds might work From repeated suicide attempts and day after day in bed she now has a normal and productive life. Thought I would share. If you dont try noting will fail or work

First know this: you are not crazy! These are your defense mechanisms, I don't make any friends either, purposely. I can't take anymore hurt. You need to be proud of who you are. If these people are your true friends then its okay to tell them how you're feeling about all this. And ask them how they feel as well. If you find out that they aren't true friends,then believe it or not, you're better off."Friends like them,who needs enemies?" you sound great to me. Im sure you have more friends than you think. And honey, if I may, gay friends are some of THE BEST friends! Be proud of who you are and you will attract others who feel the same! All the Best!