Lonely And Depressed For A Very Long Time
I have been depressed for years. It always goes up and down, and you could say I have some bouts of "non-depression", but most of the time I am sad. It started when I was a teenager (13 o 14). I am gay, which makes things even worse, because it's very hard to find friends who will truly accept me. And even those who accept me (including other gay friends), I am not always so sure about how much I can trust them or how much they like me. Also, I feel like I just don't fit. I wish I could read minds so I would know what others think of me. I've thought about talking to my friends about this sort of stuff, but I don't know. First, I don't want to be the "needy friend", because nobody wants to hang out with someone like that. And I don't want to ask anyone: "Do you like me?" or "What do you think of me?", because, again, this is not the kind of stuff that friends usually say. If I ask these kinds of questions, I think I'll be branded as weird or my intentions may be misinterpreted.
I don't know what to do. Most of the time I just want to die. I am so tired of trying to make close friends and never being able to. Most people see me as a very nice person, but nobody wants to be close to me. My phone rarely ever rings, and when it does it's usually someone asking me for a favor.
Who can I trust? When I open myself up to others, I end up getting hurt. It's always this way. I either have to protect myself by not getting involved with other people (friendships), or I have to know that I will get hurt, which happens most of the time. Maybe I expect too much from people, I don't know. I don't think I do. But why is it that nobody wants to be close to me. Those who say they are my friends only want a casual relationship with me, that's all. Nobody truly cares for me. Nobody lets me get close to them. I feel like they protect themselves from me. I hate this!!!!!