I Hate My Life

I hate my life and most importantly, I hate myself.  If I didnt believe in GOD, I'd kill myself.  But since I do believe in him, I'm terrified of hell, so i'm stuck being miserable on this earth till I die.  It started with a step father who raised me (if thats what you call it) since I was 2.  He was one of them guys who threatened to kick my *** whenever I did something wrong.  What made it worse was, not only was he always bigger then me, but he was an amerature boxer, so he knew how to fight.  I was called every name in the book growing up.  To him, i was just a ***** because I couldnt fight. 

After 18 years of that bullshit, I started to hate everyone.  I became ultra sensative.  On my 18th birthday, I enlisted in the marine corps just to get away.  But when I got out, I had to move back in.  But of course, he kicked me out a few months later cause he said I was a man and I shouldnt live at home. 

This has turned me into a hateful bitter man, and as a result, I dont have any friends, and no girlfriend.  I'm permanently ****** up, and I wish I could just die.  I am so lonely, I have nobody to talk to, nobody to cry on, its just me, myself and I until death.

The worst part of it, due to economic times, I have had to live at home again becasue I cant afford my own place.  So now i'm 30 and living with mom and dad.  This usually keeps the girls away.  Girls dont want a 30 year old who lives at home. 

ebravo ebravo
26-30, M
3 Responses Feb 19, 2010

I feel your pain. We have all asked the question why me? Why do I feel dead inside? And when I do feel, why is it I feel self-loathing? I don't have definite answers to this, but what I do know is that some of the most creative, artistic people, people who have something worth saying, have suffered with the same feelings. Just google "famous people who have suffered depression." It's amazing. <br />
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I look at everything from the perspective of my faith in Christ. He never promised us an easy life, but he promises that if we SEEK him, we will find him. I have sat there in the lowest moments of my life and said, "God, help me." But that's as far as it went. My life only started to change when I sought him out. I wanted to learn what he said about me. I already knew what i thought of myself, but what did he say about me? I learned that he loves me regardless of all my faults - and there are too many to count. I also know that regardless of whether I believed it or not, he has a purpose for my life. <br />
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Many people who are meant to do great things in this lifetime are silenced by the feelings of depression and worthlessness. We hide at home and keep to ourselves. I know a great place to start to heal is to look outside of ourselves. Find a place where you can volunteer for an afternoon somewhere. The food bank is a great place to go. They always need help loading boxes. And when you realize you are part of something much bigger than yourself, it feels good. You feel like you matter in this world. <br />
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Check out the website for the band Tenth Avenue North. They have a lot to say.<br />
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Depression is something I may struggle with all of my life, but it's still a life worth living. There is somebody out there I can help, even if it is in some little way. And the whole time, I know God is there with me - even if He is the only one who is.

Sometimes I feel this way to. I feel depressed and like I cant do anything right. But, lately, I started thinking......maybe its our enviroment that makes us feel this way. We live in a society where money and beauty equal happiness. If you dont have one or the other, people dont think very highly of you. but what about those other socitys in other countrys where money isnt the #1 value in life? I seen this one show on the discovery channel (or travel channel) where these men from a small island in the pacific ocean lived in a community where they didnt drive cars, didnt worrie about who has the best pair of shoes, etc. They lived in huts, wore loin clothes and help their fellow neighbors and family when ever they needed help without asking for anything in return. these people were so happy. They traveled to America and observed how we Americans live. What they noticed was that money had everything to do with our happiness. Also that we (people in America) were focused/obsessed with our outer "beauty" and did nothing to strengthen our inner beauty. Then I thought about the nomads in Mongolia, the Amish in America, the people living in the hymilayas, and other people around the world. Lots of them are happy because they are not focused on material things. Anyways. long story short, I still feel depressed and all, but maybe my views will change if I could leave here or get a job where I could travel and help other people. Maybe get a job that allows me to see how other people live. I think I could feel better if I could do something positive and help other people. Maybe help North Koreans excape North Korea?? What are your views on this?

You hate yourself??? What have YOU done to earn the right to hate yourself????<br />
Sounds more like you have been deal a bad hand and decided it is your fault. Time to look at yourself and see if you are really that bad. Be real and see if might be time to move on and leave the past to<br />
god to deal with.