Life Changes So Quickly

It can go by without you even realizing it. I had just finished my sophmore year and had decided i wasn't going to go back to the school i was going to so i withdrew. I figured i would go to a different school where i could work at my own pace. My boyfriend of 2 years at the time had started going there so i was really excited to go. I had to wait about a month though because i wasnt old enough yet so i did, but when my time came around the school had a waiting list and then everything changed. I found out i was pregnant. Some people react happily or cry their eyes out when they discover this. Me? It just didnt really register. My boyfriend was the one who told me to take the test and i wanted to wait until my third trimester to tell his parents but he told them right away. It was after that things started to change. He went to school he worked but he would hardly talk to me because whenever he was home his parents would bother him about me and seeing me. They wanted to be fully involed. His mom would call mine at work demanding to know when appointments were and my due date. It got to the point where they wouldnt let him come over unless i went over there and met his step fathers family and went and saw them. It may be hard to understand but they had meddled in our relationship so much and ruined some things that i resented them and avoided them. I finally got so fed up with him putting them before me that i broke up with him. I told him that if he wanted to fix things then the next morning we could go fix things and see what happened because i still loved him. Instead he went and took some pills and got arrested at school for having drugs. I understand he was depressed and that he had never done it before so i forgave him. The day he got bailed out he moved in with me. His parents instead of trying to understand wanted to make him shave his head and cut off all contact with me unless i went there. He was to be grounded and had to quit his job. So he moved in with me. Unfortunately it wasnt the best circumstances and after not seeing each other for aawhile spending alot of time together took its tole. He always wanted to hang out with his friends instead of helping me and i couldnt see mine because there wasnt anything we could do together. I drifted away from then. Then came the time of my sons birth. I was so happy the first week after but then i started to resent my son and avoid him. I wanted to hurt him so instead i yelled at my boyfriend to avoid it. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. My boyfriend didnt try to understand and he left me alone with our baby. I had to fight all my urges and i grew to love my son. When he left he said we would try to work things and he would be at home thinking. He wasnt he was going out. It was when i asked for my phone back that i realized he had been talking to someone behind my back ever since ii gave birth. I cant even begin to explain the pain that caused. Then he said the only reason he came around and would kiss me was because he wanted to leave sooner. Then a month later he said he didnt love me anymore and that there was nothing there. He just lead me. We talked and started hanging out. Iv discovered i have a forgiving nature. He says he doesnt know what he feels and that he didnt realized i had post partum depression. Now he comes over to see our son and have sex with me. Im scared of him doing it with someone else. He says he wants to be friends but we only talk about our son and we never see each other. He says he wants to start over but all that is still the same. I had to give up my friends to take care of my baby by myself. He is my only company besides my mom. So now im lonely and alone. I have no one to talk to who would understand. If i want to do something i have no one to do it with. I envy my old friends for all them fun they are having because i cant. Im happy for them but i wish sometimes it was me. I spend my days taking care of my baby and my nights reading. This should have been my senior year but i will never walk that stage. We wouldve been happy but he blames me for everything. I was crazy and my moods were everywhere he says. I couldnt help it. I wish i could go back and change things but i cant. I dont know really what to do anymore so iv settled into this half life. I miss having conversations and seeing people, but most of all i miss me. Unfortunatly there isnt a rewind button on life. Its been a hard lesson to learn. I can only hope people learn about contrception and take it seriously. I can only hope that people know to tell the ones you love them everyday no matter what and not take anything for granted because you never know when it will change. I have the oppertunity to start college. Im going to take it and see what i can make of my life. I just hope i wont be lonely for the rest of it.

scarynoodle4 scarynoodle4
18-21, F
Feb 26, 2010