It's True, And It's Hard To Get Over..
I have moments where I am not thinking about how lonely I am, and then there are the other 23 hours in the day....Ok, I am exaggerating mildly. I know I write a lot of stories illustrating my depression, but I really need the release. Nevertheless, ever since my breakup I have never been the same. It's funny how you can be among people and feel very alone. There was a party for a friend of mine a week ago. I went with a group of 5, myself being one, and all but one other being in a couple. I am bad enough in a group as it is, but when the drinks began coming I really began to think about just how lonely I was, and just how depressing this all really is. Hanging out in groups does nothig for me, even hanging out with a small umber of people does absoultely to curb my lonliness. There is only one way to get over this depression and that is with another girlfriend. Quality girlfriendsdo not just fall out of the sky and I lack the confidence to ask anyone out anyway. Besides, personality-wise it is difficult for me to even find people I can hang out with for an evening let alone a lifetime. All I want is someone who will love only me. I think that this is exacerbated by old wounds constantly reopening. It is hard to give your heart away again after giving it to the wrong person the first time, yet this is all I really want. My loneliness is reflected in almost everything that I do. I am suppposed to travel to other countries in April and May and I wonder what the use is since I don't have that one special person to share it with. Regular friends don't cut it. I get no joy out of sharing things like that with them. It just reminds me of how I can't find anyone to actually love me. These things that should be enjoyable become depressing because of this. I am getting old, and I don't want to be 45 having only had one relationship years earlier that I can't get over. I have always said that my greatest fear is dying alone. Even though I am only in my 20's I cannot forsee my loneliness changing because of my own flaws. I so want to make love again. I haven't had any sensual contact in almost a year and it hurts. Maybe its time for therapy, because I am all messed up.