I Am Always Out Of Control

I am severely bulimic. I binge till I am sick and purge till I am empty. I plan my excesses and my purges. I plan my cleanups. I can do this 8 times a day. 6am and I am still at it.

I am living alone and this lifestyle is funded on the back of my mother who has no idea. Nobody has any idea, in fact.

I feel guilty, ashamed, disgusted ... and I realise that I have no friends, no hobbies, no skills, no dreams, no pleasures ...

... I don't even work any more... all because I am stuck in a deep cycle of eating and getting it out.

Somewhere inside me I feel that I don't deserve to be fed. I am useless and undeserving and greedy. I try to fight against these hurtful thoughts: I try to offer help to people all the time. I try to improve myself all the time. I try to refuse food or only eat the cheapest things about to expire.

I both treat myself too much and treat myself completely utterly terribly.

I am very ashamed of myself all the time. Why am I so out of control? After every purge I resolve to change it all this time. I fail again. My self-loathing gets deeper ...

Outside of my flat nobody sees this. Nobody knows how depressed and ashamed I am of myself. I cannot even cry because I am numb and resigned to this failure of a person I am.

I am still alive and kicking, functioning, smart, just overall another college student. But after class, like a trance I go to the supermarket and start this all over again ...

I don't want to be like this. But I cannot stop. I need someone or something to help me stop being numb and stop feeling ashamed. I am so alone ... and when people get together they want to eat. I don't want to be near food because I am a waste of resources. I am afraid of get-togethers ...

Please help me change. This time it will be different - but I will fall again...
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

Yeah....why people always want to eat together is beyond me. If you are a vegetarian or on a diet or just don't want to cram your face full of garbage at work, people act not only appalled, but concerned that they must include you somehow. Just don't! I'm not mad. I don't feel left out. I don't want to participate and I don't have to. Get over it.

If you really do want to change, you need to end the cycle of self inflicted guilt that plans your day and keeps you on track. You built it up when you needed the mental strength to get the way you are now. It's easy to get locked into it.