Its night once again... During the day I can pass off as if I'm okay... but I'm not... My mind just wants to shut down and not reawaken. I can smile, joke, and give advice... but as soon as I close my door and no one is around to see I lose myself completely. Trying to hold myself together has become routine, but how much longer can I hold on before I lose all emotion? Or even gather enough strength to do something absurd? I said it like that, because I know I'm to scared of pain to do something to hurt myself... or kill myself. But the idea still runs in my head...

But some may think? She looks fine, so happy, so smart... but they see what I reflect... In my mind anything small is blown out of proportion. Things that wouldn't matter are seen in my eyes to be horrible. The past haunts me... Recent deaths, shameful desires, horrible childhood experiences, parental neglect, dreams... dreams that question my morals... anxiety... I want to make it stop...
MysticallyForbidden MysticallyForbidden
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 22, 2014

I know depression isn't something you or anybody can simply get over, but the issues from your past obviously continue to have major effects on you today. You must come to terms with them to heal properly. Forgive, accept, let go. No it won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight, and you've probably read self-help articles about depression and heard the same advice over and over again, but uprooting those colossal trees in your mind that block out the sun and envelop you in shadow is key to moving on and functioning properly.

I try... but I cant seem to just let go, maybe cause im more just trying to block. But when I even mention depression to someone they shut me down so fast saying im fine. Clearly im not I feel crazy... Holding myself together with a blanket at night to prevent myself from falling apart is not the definition of "fine" I wish I knew where to start... Thank you for your response. It means a lot.