All My Life...

I have been depressed and moody for as long as I can remember. Most of my depression comes from my anxiety and frustration for being overweight. The fear of being picked on use to torment me in elementary school and I would become ill (or fake being ill) to where I would stay home from school. Depression hits hard at my house since my mom is a severe alcoholic, has been since she was around 18. So it is not an option to talk to her or my dad, since he sticks up for her most of the time (basically I feel as though he believes if he has to deal with her drunkeness and depression, then I have to as well). I doubt they would take me seriously if I asked them for help.

I always lack energy, I get irritable very easily, I cry, I get super angry a lot of the time, I feel worthless and ugly, and I get horrible anxiety for things I have to do, especially when it requires me to get up really early or take a test of some sort. Recently getting enrolled in college, getting ready to get my driver license, readying to drive myself and a friend to a convention center that I have never been to before, and pulse buying with my debit card has really taken its toll on me. I really want to try and start out with a clean slate going into college, to be more of an optimistic person so that I may make new friends and be happier, but it just does not seem likely.

I truly feel that I am going to be stuck like this forever. Like its my destiny. The hardest thing for me is not being able to find any activity to make me feel better. I refuse to drink or do drugs or stuff like that, because I never want to end up like my mom and most the people in our family. Nothing seems to work though. No photography (which I use to be very interested in), no arts and crafts, no writing down my feelings because I feel really dumb when I think of doing it. None of my friends would understand, God knows my parents wont. The depression has won every round against me. I hope something changes for the better.
Nankurunaisa Nankurunaisa
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 19, 2010

I know I don't know, but I know what your feeling, or at least can relate to it in a way. My mom doesn't understand or acknowledge it for that matter. My friends don't know, because they're not the kind of people that would treat me kindly if they did. Don't let it win though, don't ever give up fighting it. You don't always need help from a professional, sometimes you just need someone to care. Someone who will be there at all hours of the day for you, or at least most. <br />
So I don't know you, but if you ever need to talk and want to have someone listen you can talk to me. I like to listen to other people who feel this way, because it lets me know I'm not alone and crazy.