I Need Advice For Battling Depression. Please?!

I have been depressed for years. It used to be really severe and then things were looking up for awhile but now I fear I am falling back into it hard. I have very little people in my life that mean something to me and unfortunately none of them I feel truly comfortable or trusting with. My family knows that I have no friends or a life for that matter. Because I feel emotionally distant from my family, it is difficult for me to open up to them, although I feel as though they all know that I am hurting inside and they just don't know what to do about it. I don't have friends, well a couple, but I don't feel like I connect with them and other things in my life are prohibiting me to be able to maintain friendships. I usually pretend I'm okay when I'm around people and avoid everyone when I am really feeling down. I have reached out to my mom (the ONLY person that I feel fairly close with) but I don't think she took me seriously or just didn't know what she could do. (I don't have the time to explain all the reasoning for my depression but that is not the exact point of this story.)

I've been reading articles online about depression - what causes it, symptoms, how to overcome it - and that's what led me to this. I want to overcome depression, I want to change as much negativity in my life as I can. I have been trying to fight it on my own for years by setting goals, excersizing, doing things I love to do, quitting drugs etc. and that is before I read these articles that told me to do all that very same stuff. It's just not working. I try to commit and stay persistent but with all the bullshit weighing down my spirit, it doesn't accomplish much for me. I am just not motivated to do anything. Like I don't have the love or the care to. And suicide has crossed my mind a lot more lately. So that is what I need help with.

In one article, it said that depression is worse or harder to overcome when someone does drugs and well, I smoke weed. I have given it up in the past, for six months, and I was doing really good after that with school and I thought I was happy just because I was seeing life through new eyes. But it wasn't long before I started doing ****** again and wanting to start up smoking pot. And so I did.

I think that I could potentionally overcome this depression if I were to either have someone professional work alongside me - almost like a personal life coach/therapist or something like that - that knows what will work and can motivate and support me along the way. Or, a REALLY close friend or boyfriend that was willing to help and support me day-by-day. I don't think I could put my troubles and emotions on someone and expect them to help me as much as I need it because I know that they too have their problems and may not want to be bombarded. (Plus I don't think anyone I know is capable of handling my depression, nor would I trust them to stay commited to helping me.) The only way I can see myself being pushed to do anything is a professional or a boyfriend and I doubt I will find a guy any time soon that cares about me enough to do that, and I'm not exacly sure how to approach a professional. How do I explain my depression? Especially when I have difficulty expressing anything through oral communication. And I wouldn't want to try so hard only to have a doctor prescribe me anti-depressants that I can't even take b/c I have a phobia for swalling pills.

What do you suggest? If you know of a user that is a doctor or therapist here on EP, I would really appreciate it if you could either send him/her to this story for me, or even just let me know their username so I could message them. Thank you all soo much for taking the time to read all of this and give your support.  
CourtGatekeeper CourtGatekeeper
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 29, 2010

I dont know anyone on ep thats a therapist but just talking to other people here on ep that have depression can help.Since you have trouble talking about it,write it down,either in a journal or here on ep in a blog might help.