Another Emo Kid

I'm 14. I have been extremely depressed for actually quite a long time. I'm technically clinically depressed and suicidal. And I'm pretty sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

The 1st time I tried to kill myself was 4th grade. I had a butcher knife up to my chest, trying to position it through my ribs so it would get my heart. I was really scared and sobbing and I had no idea what I was doing.

The next year, in 5th grade, the same thing happened again; standing there with the knife to my chest sobbing, scared, and confused, trying to figure out if I could position the knife the right way.

After that, things moved on and I wasn't depressed and didn't have a suicidal breakdown or anything till 7th grade.

The winter of 7th grade I had a mental breakdown over the MEGSSS (gifted math) class I was taking and had to be transferred out, starting the day we came back to school from winter break.

About a month or so after that (February) I tried to kill myself again. It was the night before my bat mitzvah (Feb. 7) and I tried to strangle myself 7 times. My friend had been bragging about her bat mitzvah, which was the following month, and making mine feel insignificant and taking all my friends because they thought she was cooler. (Yes, I am aware they aren't too great of friends if they would do that.)

Then in May, I became emo. Something just snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't just be the girl who was happy all the time and listen to everyone else's problems and act like everything was ok. I took a nail file and rubbed it hard and fast against the back of my hand, creating a scrape. The scar is still there. People didn't catch on at first. The only one's who knew it was intentional were the people I told. Once everyone found out it was intentional, I lost all of my friends. I was completely alone for a good 2 months of summer.

The following month, in the summer, I tried to cut my shoulder with a normal kitchen knife. My parents found out and decided as soon as we got back from vacation I was going to a therapist. Before we left though, I started carving words into my thigh with an X-Acto knife. Since I (obviously) couldn't bring the knife with me, I dug my (extremely long) nails into my thumb or my hand till it bled. I also tried to drown myself upon arriving at our vacation spot.

When we got back from vacation, I went to the therapist and things were a little bit better for a bit. However, the month after that (August), my girlfriend broke up with me and i cut 26 or 27 times in one night. (P.S. we ended up getting back together 2 days later)

Then in September she broke up with me again, and this time we didn't get back together. I tried to kill myself again then by drug overdose. She went out with another girl for around 3 months. During the 3 months I only cut four times, but I stopped eating and all I did all day was sob, even during school. I sat by myself at lunch with my head on the table and sobbed. That's the only thing I remember, daily. Other than that, I might as well have been dead because I don't remember anything else at all.

When my ex-gf and her gf broke up, I started hanging out with my ex's ex and ended up dating her and doing drugs. We took her pain killers to get stoned and take away dealing with our problems for just a little while longer. Unfortunately, that relationship only last a week and on the same night I got broken up with, I got back together with my ex. (Yes, I know you're probably thinking I would've learned by know but you will figure out I never do). Thats relationship, too, only lasted a week and I ended up being friends with benefits with both of them and I was still doing drugs. I continue to do drugs to this day, the only reason I've stopped temporarily is because my dealer's prescription ran out.

Now sometime in April or May, my first ex and I got in a huge fight and I cut 66 times in one night. Someone saw in gym and told the guidance counselor and I had to call my parents. Not too long after that, I threatened to kill myself again and once again someone told the guidance counselor and I had to call my parents, again. Luckily, I knew the guidance counselor personally and the SRO (Student Resources Officer) didn't have to come and talk to me (which was the normal protocol).

After that, in May, I got back together with my 1st ex-gf (again), but that only lasted 2 weeks because I cheated on her with my 2nd ex-gf. I got stoned and tried to forget about it. All 3 of us ended up hating each other for awhile but it's fixed now.

So this brings me to the present time, starting with Monday of this week. I had been depressed all weekend and people were getting annoyed with it and I felt like a pest and didn't want to live so I decided to fix it. I tried to kill myself by taking 14 ibuprofen. It didn't work. My best friend (also my 1st ex-gf) slept over that night to keep an eye on me.

And now, Friday, I tried to kill myself again by taking 17 ibuprofen. I felt like a burden to everyone and just wanted to make their lives easier by leaving. Unfortunately, killing myself never works, no matter how I do it, even though I've tried 20+ times. I've lost track.

I've left out some unimportant parts so technically this isn't my whole story of being depressed, but I think it's enough. If you want to hear more or more details, just comment or message me.
LonelyEmo LonelyEmo
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Hey my name is super foot magician and tbh i think you change your routine at gym to a set of 4 including 5 lateral raises, hope this helps

Yes

I admired your want to share, I can related. I'm 14 and clinically depressed and pretty certain I have bipolar disorder. The way to survive all of what I feel, I've found, is laying in the grass of my front yard during the night and listening to my music. Hearing the sounds of songs that make me comfortable and feeling the damp midnight grass reminds me of everything sweet and good about life. I just have to feel reality to come back from my spirals of depression and suicidal tendencies. <br />
Do you have someone you talk to about all this? Just one person, that means more than anything, that you tell this stuff to?