Why?what?how? I Just Want To Cry...

I hadn't wanted to use this website and this is my first post...I used to just keep a diary and wrote a blog that i "emo" on and post my pictures...but nobody sees, and honestly, most of the time I'm fine...my life would seem great too...but mostly...i just feel so alone somtimes even when I'm laughing with all of my friends or my whole wonderful class (they are great too...<3...which is exactly why i can't tell any of them...this....)

getting on to my story :')

I've always been a girl who thinks alot, and I know there are people out there that suffer more than me and stuff like that...or did i trap myself because i think too much?

I didnt't use to be like this too...until last year...
before that i used to be in a average primary school and i was always the top, i had a group of great friends that I still am in contact with now...
then after that I got to a great secondary school, everyone their are talented and smart...
when it was the start of my first secondary school year(last year) my mum went flew back to our homeland for a few months and my dad...well, his a nice parent, just that his not the type that nags you about your studying...so you know, being the lazy person that I am i think I started slacking then, and eventually...i think i just lose my will to strive...I mean, its like, yea, the whole class is great, we are united and stuff, but they are also all hardworking on their own too, but when I started slacking...its like a drug, i can't stop, and at the same time, I find each and every one of my classmates so talented, like how I use to be the best in arts, now compared to them I seem to suck at it so much...and I know i am still at the top compared to others, but you know my class being the art class, and at some point of time it just seem like...my use-to-be dreams became so worthless...like, i wanted to be a fashion designer, and my friends all said I was good, then my current classmate can almost design like a pro alr, so I just look like an ammature compared to her...I'm not jealous, its just that I get the kind of mindset like..."oh, so, she can probably have a bigger chance at that(striving at designing), so...I'm still here as an extra because???it's not like i can catch up to her..." and alll my other subjects...even my chinese, which I use to be the best at too next to my art, there are like...5, 10 people better than me at it? so...I kind of had the impression that I don't have any chances against them maybe?

And then when mum came back, she just scolded me and told me to work harder, that I'm wasting my days away, and she even slapped me a few times regarding how I use the computer too much stuff (i kind of use that as a drug too...just surf to forget real life...), but when she does...well, she don't see how I feel, and honestly shes not one that can understand this kinda stuff very well, she'll just tell me to keep trying, not knowing that I need an aim to propel me forward...like the time I use to believe if I try hard enough I can actually have my dream about travelling the world come true, but now knows that...hey, I actually suck at Geography, math, sci...and I'm only moderate in my languages = hardly no chance at getting a job that good in the future right? My mum had tried to tell me i can just get a stable job in the future and travel during the holidays...but it's like, she doesn't get it, I can't survive like that, just like I feel like I can't survive now...like I have something suffocating me inside...I can't stand the routines...I want to explore and find out stuff by myself, yet I'm at a lost since I know I'm so bad at so many stuff I don't know or just can't even find a way to continue...or even restart...

Most of the time I feel so uncertain and I'll just hug my pillow in my bed really hard and cry alone since I hate to show people my weakness and I promised myself to never let people see me cry again...I know that my parent's don't know...they always say I'm such a stubborn girl that doesn't admits her mistakes and doesn't know how much I hurt them...even though they are right in a twisted way...that they don't even know what my mistake is and that I'm wasting away simply because I don't know what to do, and yes...I know I'm hurting them so much, which just hurts myself more knowing that I caused them pain too...Sometimes I think I shouldn't be born...and sometimes, more than once, I wonder if it'll be easier to just die...sure, they'll be sad...but worst than now? yet I'm such a coward...

I don't want them to keep telling me why it's my fault to be trapped here alone, I just want someone to understand why I had made the "wrong" choice that got me here...and maybe...maybe point me a way out?

Sorry I know this can be a bit lenghty and messy...I needed a place to really pour out all of this and maybe slowly clear my head...thank you to whoever that read this and listens...it helps :')
FaustineDoll FaustineDoll
13-15
Aug 2, 2010