Steady As She Goes...

I feel as though I'm finding a ground to my life. I'm finally learning how to be stable.
Well, I was. Up till two nights ago.

Two nights ago, at midnight I asked my friend to meet me in a park about fifteen minutes
away from my house. I needed to get out, I was feeling trapped and I could feel my heart
sinking. I was getting depressed. So I snuck out and met him. We sat down and talked.
We talked about our history, which is very little. About a year ago we hooked up. It was a
one time thing. He's my best friend's best childhood friend, which my best friend clearly stated
he did not want me to get with...ever.
We met up and started talking more and more. I told him how Chris (my best friend) never wanted
us to get together. He said it was because Chris looked at me as the only thing H.W. (an abbreviation for
privacy) didn't have. I was special like that.
I went on to say that I wouldn't hurt Chris like that, but being that I have absolutely no self control, H.W.
smiled and wrapped his arms around me, &very temptingly begin massaging my neck following that he traced his hands down
my torso and hips. Then he kissed me. I felt my heart beat race just a little, and then I felt his pounding inside
his chest. He wanted me, and my self control was lost. Every hormone in my body wanted him. I kissed him back.
He pulled my legs around his waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Then I stopped. I gained a moments
control, and said "you really shouldn't do this". I backed away and sat down on the bench. He said, "well okay."
And then sat down next to me. I replied by saying (stupidly), "I said you shouldn't do this, I didn't say to stop." He merely
smiled and began to massage my neck again, then titled my head back as I leaned my back against his chest. He
kissed me again, and began to feel up my body. We got more intimate and things were getting steamed.
I stepped back again, and he did too. We didn't want to get to out of control, the whole thing was unexpected.
I looked at the time, it was nearing two in the morning. We both decided to start walking home, thankfully we were walking in the same
direction this time, (it was fast for me just to walk up a hill than go all the walk around my neighborhood). He
sweetly put his arm around me, and began to say "I feel so tall". He is, about a foot and two inches taller than me. I'm
five foot two, he's six foot five, but it felt that much more perfect. I swung my arm around his waist, his around my shoulder
and we began to walk. There are few benches located around the park. We were at the farthest part of the park, so we started
heading towards the road, which was on the other side. As we were walking through the park H.W. unexpectedly grabbed my waist
with one hand and wrapped his hand around the other one and began to kiss me. I threw one leg around him as he sat down
on the bench with me ontop of him. We started making out and my hormones were flying everywhere. We calmed ourselves down,
kissed again, and got back up and began to walk again. I smiled, and huddled close to him as we walked. It took us about
fifteen minutes to get to the other side of the park(should have taken five minutes) because every other second he decided to kiss me.
I loved. He said he would walk with me to the street light at the bottom of the hill I took to get home, he lived close by and
didn't mind the extra walk. We got to the street light, he kissed me one last kiss. I hugged him. And told him I'd see him Tuesday.
He said maybe.

My mind was in such a bliss I hardly acknowledged this. I texted him the next day (yesterday) to find out what time we were
meeting up Tuesday (today). I said, "Let's meet at noon!" All he said was, "No." Then I got a text from him at 2:45 last night
saying, "Sorry. I'm going to the DMV."
I had forgotten why, last year when we hooked up, we never got together after. Now I remember. He's a player. He used me,
just like that time. I fell for it. Again.

Now I'm back in that depression, just a bit though. I feel as though I'm a little heart broken, but I'm desperately trying to stay
in reality. I don't want to slip into a depression over him. He's not worth it...right?
Plus, guilt is overwhelming me. I promised Chris I'd never be alone with H.W., never kiss him, nothing like that. I promised him,
and I broke that promise. Do I tell him the truth?
kelsigee kelsigee
13-15, F
2 Responses Aug 3, 2010

1. Heard the song, both by Sky Sailing and The Raconteurs, & I love them both. 2. I know I need to be. I'm not willing to get used again.

1. Have you heard the song Steady As She Goes? It's good, you should listen to it. 2. Yes, be a good friend and tell him, since he used you anyway. And you shouldn't go back to him a third time, just for future reference. It doesn't feel good to be used (I was caught up in a terrible *********; seriously, don't ever do anything even close to being ********* related). So don't go back to him if all he does is use you