I Don't Know What To Do

I recognise that my problems, in the grand scheme of things, are tiny-especially as there are people out there with no families, friends or not enough to eat. This has been told to me time and time again, but I still find that I have massive trouble with how I feel-and have alot of guilt connected with that. I would love to shake how I feel, and battle every day with my emotions, almost to the point, some days, of exhaustion. If I am feeling low, I sometimes come in from work and want to shut myself away-not speak or communicate with anyone-or do anything, because I don't see the point in it-or how it is going to improve my well being or situation.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off for years, with a particularly bad bout of it last year, which still holds a grip on me, even though I have worked hard to get through it.
I have read every self help book under the sun, have had one to one councelling-and have tried C.B.T aswell-but with mixed results.
All that seems to happen is that I reach full stops-and can't seem to shake them.
I feel stuck in a rut which I can't seem to get out of-and it seems like I'm constantly being 'hit by hammers'-in the sense that I make some progress-and then something happens which reduces me to feeling crap about myself again-and I become a feast (again) for my personal demons.

Last year, I was in a relationship with a girl who I absolutely adored, and who is a work colleague. After a couple of months together, she finished it-and I fell into a state of depression. I was already going that way, but with her I felt really happy,though anxious that it was going to come to an end. I struggle a lot with self image and confidence. Being with her made me feel like a functioning, desired human-and not a broken machine, like I felt I was becoming. When that ended, I felt dead-and didn't want to be alive anymore.
All through school-and in the work place-I'd been bullied about everything you can imagine-from my appearance to the way I spoke-to my thoughts on things, which has affected me on a number of levels.
I feel fat, ugly and useless-and that I can't get anything right.
People would tell me, in a round a bout way, that no one would ever want to be with me romantically-which has only been compounded by the fact that I have asked women out in the past-and been rejected time and time again.
When I was seeing the lady last year-I felt my luck had changed, but no. I just seem to be shat upon. Though social networking sites, I have to witness the flourishing of her new relationship-with a guy who she has described as the 'fittest man in the world'. I loosely know him-and he is everything I am not, which has made me feel even more rubbish.
She has told me that she finished the relationship because she didn't want another relationship, having just come out of one before we get together. I figure that this is cliched rubbish, myself-as she is intelligent and beautiful, and I'm not exactly her male equivalent, which I figure he is.

I have been trying online dating since the middle of last year-and have joined every site you can imagine, but to no avail. I just keep on being rejected. I have also tried speed dating, but to similar avail.

I have been a self harmer for years, on and off, and have thought about doing away with myself on more than one occasion.
I'm bored with my job,which is low paid, but don't feel that anyone else will want to employ me, as I feel I don't have any skills to offer. Any project I get involved with, in an attempt to make some extra money, or provide a new avenue of enterprise or insight, seems to be a non starter-or just ***** up.

I don't know what to do. I'm just so fed up-and frustrated-and anxious alot of the time. I'm not going anywhere.
Yes, I feel guity and ashamed at writing all this, and particularly ashamed that, today, I feel like killing myself again. I don't know what else to do, as I just feel sick with everything alot of the time, and not able to see a silver lining.

Thankyou for reading my rant.
PurpleRonnie PurpleRonnie
1 Response May 5, 2012

Hey, <br />
<br />
I actually just logged onto this site for the first time and noticed your post. I wanted to comment because in some ways I often feel a little like you do but what it seems like, is that you concentrate a lot on having a girl in your life and that determines how happy you are. I understand we as humans all have needs and wants of feeling affection but it doesn’t happen overnight. Negative thoughts will only bring you down more and more. I would try picking up a hobby or a sport you may like to spend your energy on. Build your confidence because looks don’t matter. If girls read this, they will just think oh he just likes to complain. With women its always a numbers game, you got to keep batting until you hit one out the park. <br />
Train yourself: everytime your about to think a negative thought, replace it with a positive one, even if it’s a lie. You got to fake it until you make it. Im sure you heard that before<br />
Sorry for the grammar mistakes but you get the drift