Only A Shadow Of What Once Was

I sleep, wake up, eat, draw, read and then I sleep again. When I finally sleep strange dreams haunt me, I wake up exhausted. When it comes to food I eat a slice of bread while standing in the kitchen. It takes me 5 minutes and that’s my meal for the day.
I draw again but instead of getting better my drawings are getting worse. I don’t draw because I like it anymore, I draw to impress. But I fail to do so. My drawings are ugly. I try again and again but this anxiety that tells me I will screw it up somehow makes me actually screw it up. First I surprise myself by drawing something really beautiful and then the fear comes. ‘What If I screw this up somehow? What if I lose this somehow? What if people won’t like it?’ Then I compare it to professional artists and realize just how armature my drawing is.
 I read just so I can get greater ideas to write some stories. Everything I do is just to impress and I fail again and again. I have never been successful in any way, but I know who I was before and even though it was not better than whom I am today I was still a person with strong opinions and ambitions. Today I am nobody. I feel nothing. I think nothing. I am fully aware of my problems and yet I am so careless it frightens me. But not for long, I feel emotions only for a brief moment before they disappears. Even when I talk to people it’s… I don’t know… I can’t connect anymore.  Everything about me seems to fade away. 
AviatorHH AviatorHH
18-21, F
2 Responses May 6, 2012

its tough when a week out of every month consists of me doing as little as possible just because i feel empty and livings not worth the getting out of bed. ep does help, and you're part of ep, so that means you help. XOXO

One, please get some sort of yummy nutritional meal replacement shake, or somehow eat more.<br />
Two, draw what's going on in your mind and heart, don't do it to impress anybody.<br />
I still think you're a remarkably talented young lady.