Closing In On MeI've always had depressive tendencies as long as I can remember. But right now, it feels like the "episodes" are getting more frequent. I find myself increasingly unable to find the energy to take care of myself and my home, and meeting up with other people (except my boyfriend) is often a challenge. I often cry, sometimes several times a day. I'm tired - a lot. I may have a few good days in between and then I'm back to square one. It's been like this for a while now, on and off. My boyfriend has noticed and has expressed his concern. I'm in weekly therapy (I don't want to start on medication, it just isn't me) and I'm trying to take care of myself as best I can. But I'm worried that I'm heading downwards and soon won't have the strength to come back up again.
This evening, I forced myself to go out for a walk with a couple of friends. I went completely silent and shed a few tears - which I don't think they saw. But they noticed that something was up. I just said "Don't ask" and carried on walking. But when one of them had gone, the one I'm least close to, I opened up to the other friend, who has related if not identical problems. I just didn't feel I could talk to someone who wouldn't "get it", which the other friend wouldn't have. The rejection would just make me feel worse. But my friend who also gets depressed was understanding, even if she's not the world's best listener. So I did get something out of the walk after all. But it was a real struggle to even be there.
Unfortunately, I'm well aware of exactly what lies behind all this (I've written other stories on the subject, about being estranged and the aftermath of that). And there isn't a great deal I can do about it apart from try to protect myself. But that's really hard when I'm feeling so weak. The person in my life who is hurting me always "attacks" at the first sign of weakness, so I can't face contact with her right now. Problem is, if I don't make contact, she'll "eat away" at me anyway. But I need to get strong enough first so I can deal with her, and that will take time. And even then, things will not improve particularly. Feel pretty hopeless about it all right now.
artdeco 36-40 1 Response 1 May 7, 2012