I Am So Alone.....People around me, friends, family, co-workers, seem to think that I am doing pretty well for myself. I have my own house, my own cars, a good job, no kids or any bad habits. But, in reality, I am becoming more and more depressed. All my friends got married so we donot hangout like we use to. It seems that all I do is work, and come home, play xbox for awhile, surf the web, maybe watch a movie on DVD or TV, then do it all over again the next day. ----- Sometimes I miss when I was younger, around 21 - 26, because I had SO MUCH FUN it's hard to believe. Friends were always available, I always had a place to go, something to do. ----- It's funny, but even though I know I am lucky to be where I am and have the things I have, I am still so alone. I guess being single is part of the peoblem. I haven't dated anyone seriously in about 3 years since my last really serious relationship. I use to enjoy being at home alone, not answering to anyone, but now I think sometimes I may be getting deeper and deeper into emotional distress. Friends don't call like they use too. The ones I would like to hangout with either moved or we lost touch. I cut the bad people out of my life, but sometimes I would like to hangout with anyone rather than no one. ----- I LOVE downtown, the museums, movies, resturants, and everything Chicago has to offer, but I cannot bring myself to do any of that alone. That in itself is very lonely to me. I would even love to go to a live concert as I LOVE music, but again, I can't imagine the thought of doing that alone. ----- I am happy I got my music. Without music, I would have probaly thought of a way to just end it all. But I know I wouldn't go through with it. I couldn't bear knowing what my family would go through. ----- I sometimes feel like the last man on earth and that I am truely all alone. Maybe it's my own fault. And, since my father has passed away 2 years ago, it has all been downhill. As much as I miss him, I have not had anyone to talk to about it, and that kills me too. Makes me feel like crap when I think of the last time I saw him. My only saving grace is that he said he was proud of me before he died, so I try to live my life to kept him proud of me. ----- I am thankful for my neices and nephew. I try to teach them things since they lost their father at such a young age and there mother, my sister, is Missing In Action, due to drugs and other problems and they haven't seen her in over a year. She could be out there or she could not. It hurts me knowing that, at a young age, they have to go through that. That's why I try my best to do for them like as if they were my own. To know that they are thankfully for the things I do gives me a purpose to be here. ----- But, I must confess, I am truely alone and again, maybe that's my own fault. Not having anyone to talk to about your problems cannot be good. ----- I wish I could find a nice lady to do what couples do, like dating and hanging out, but right now it doesn't look good. People say I am a good catch so maybe it's something I am not doing? ----- I often wish I never bought my own house and that I still lived with my family. I LOVE my home, but it is empty and for that reason, I think I should probably seek help, atleast someone to talk too. ofcourse, I know I won't and yet I know I should. ----- I just wish I could meet someone, have fun, start a relationship and eventually fall in love. ----- But, then again, I guess that is what we all are looking for. Just too bad I don't have the balls to actually get out there and do it. ----- Also, to my sister, we miss you and love oyu very much. PLEASE come home so we can all be a family again. Your kinds and your family miss you. ----- --PS, sorry for the long post. Also, I know I posted this in Confessions, but found it might be more suited for here.
ChicagoBlues 36-40, M 11 Responses 4 Apr 8, 2007