I Am Sad Most of the Time, and I Don't Think It Is a Chemical Imbalance. I Think That I Need a New Society/culture.
I have not been indoctrinated into any belief system, and my values are shared by few in my superficial, selfish, and wasteful society. As a result, I am very asocial (mainly by choice), and I find little reason to have hope for myself and for the future of this world. I think this is because I am a realist who is impervious to attractive self-deceptions that are along the lines of "everything happens for a reason". I am confidently self-aware, and I know that I put a negative spin on a lot of what I see and what I experience, but I assure you that this negativity is not blind. I've learned so many times under so many circumstances not to give people the benefit of the doubt. I see few positives in the world weighed against an overwhelming mass of negatives. I won't get into the details of how I feel about politics, oil dependency, poverty, the food crisis, global warming, the extinction of species, deforestation, religious fundamentalism (yes, you too, Christians), corruption, the celebration of promiscuity, carelessness and selfishness, and pop culture in general. I'll just get to the juicy bits.
Ok, for starters, I get drunk and/or smoke marijuana every single night. It's been that way for over a year now. I have gone straight for up to 2 weeks at a time every couple of months just to see if I have any withdrawal symptoms, and so far, no worries. I do this because if I do not, I just think about my life and this world and cry all night and not fall asleep. Life is a lot easier for me to tolerate if I knock myself out and have a black sleep with no dreams. If anyone is interested in why I am in this state, read on:
Ok - If this situation is possible to sympathize with, it would help to understand a bit more about me. I am not unattractive; I have a good-looking face and I have a healthy weight. Before I began wallowing in sadness, I could run 10km in less than 40 minutes. I doubt that I could do it in an hour now. My excercise regimen is currently 'walking around town for 30-40 minutes smoking joints'. I do fine in school and have a BA in history, even though I don't really like school. I've played in rock bands as lead singer, bassist, and drummer, and I like good music. I am arrogant, stubborn, and I get angry when I can't do something or figure something out for myself. I am socially awkward and I am uncomfortable around people unless I've had a few drinks. I've had a circle of 'friends' who generally shared the same interests, and a few close friends who I can actually relate to. Over time, I realized how little I meant to most of these people on a personal level, and it was not difficult to distance myself from them. My last remaining friend will be moving away in a month or two. All of the others have left and actually have real lives that are meaningful to them. This is depressing because I am stuck with student debt, and because of nepotism and a general economic downturn in my town, I work at a convenience store. This is basically the same job I had in high school. Pathetic. I guess I could kiss ***, manipulate people, and just play 'the game' to get a better job, but I just can't sell myself like that and be okay with it. Anyways..
I did try to change myself into a happy and open people-person. After my second year of university, I went alone on a trip to Australia and lived and worked there for 9 months. I also took a trip around Southeast Asia for 2 months as a holiday. I met so many interesting people from different cultures and backgrounds, and conversations with them actually fascinated me. When I didn't have a steady job, I played guitar and sang on the street and made some decent money. I was popular and fun to be around. The problem was, I knew the whole time I was faking it. I was hoping that just being like that for an extended period of time would change who I was, but it didn't. I was still the same person inside. Well, the worst stuff came after I got back home.
Is any of this at all relatable? Is anyone listening to me? There isn't anyone in real life that I can talk to about this.. I'd like to explain further, but this posting is long enough as it is, and I want to go for a stoney-walk. Regardless, I'll probably continue this later on or in the next few days. It's nice to have some kind of outlet for venting. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. I really do appreciate it.