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Good Days Few, Bad Days Abound

Im 53 years old and have been fighing depression for almost 10 years. The worst its gotten was thinking seriously about suicide but couldnt get myself to do it. I take 15 different medications for mental and physical help.

I have had 6 back surgeries, both hips totally replaced and am now having trouble with my knee. Im on SSDI and some of the responsibilities are work comp. Most of the time Iam alone as the wife works all summer and all I have to do is think. I have a hobby building custom fishing rods but even then my mind is on something else, usually the worth of my life.

I dont know if its possible to love someone as much as I love my wife and not love myself at all. Recently my grown boys asked why I was the way I am and that they wanted their old dad back. The wife has said the same thing wanting the man she married back. That tears my heart out. It seems now that Im the way I am and I dont know who I am.

The doc just put me on Lithium and the medical docs are treating me for Fibermyalgia. Im in constant pain day in and day out. I tried to go fishing the other day alone and could barely handle the pontoon. I used to have no trouble at all even with my back pain, I just took it easy.

So, folks, I dont know any answers. Im best at helping others and listening, I jsut cant help myself.

docholiday docholiday 51-55, M Jun 26, 2008

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