I Am Depressed
I know I am depressed, it has taken me over a year to get medication for it. The constant low moods and then getting really angry. It kills me. Although not suicidal yet i feel the brief feelings coming on. I can't physically move from bed in the morning, i don't want to go out, i've lost my appetite and the sleepless nights are horrible. I feel there is no getting past it. I have been through so much that one story on this wouldn't be a long enough page. Basically my father is a nasty man who continuously spends my inheritance money as well as my sister's to pay off his debt. He blames me for everything and has criticised my independence of moving away from home to live with friends and try my best at university. He has belittled me and manipulated me to the point where i want to disown him but feel i cant purely because he is my father. He's lied to me in the worst way possible, the closest person to me, my gran passed away last year (his mum) and he didn't tell me she was dying. I found out two weeks before and have dealt with it really badly. She left me inheritance money and i believed spending it made me happy, so i spent all of it and have nothing to show and am now in debt.I thought it would replace her in some way but it didn't. She was my rock and my best friend. I have lost so many people as well as my gran including my brother who was killed in a car accident last year, my grandfather who I was really close to, my ex boyfriend, my auntie and my uncle. I have lost so many people for so many different reasons. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I am walking about with a dark cloud hanging over my head that wont go away. I'm scared that I'm going to push everyone away because of it and I'm terrified that it will get too much for my fiancee and he'll leave me. I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. I feel like I'm surrrounded by so many people yet I still feel so alone. I need help.