Introduction

I'm a teenage girl, 15 and living in Vermont. Let me start off by saying, I hate my life. It used to be good I guess, well it was good till I grew up and started to care about more things. I'm going to start off with the important **** in my wonderful life. age 15, dating Jacob for almost 6 months now, Halloween 2011, worst day of life. Me and Jacob had a really strong relationship, he was actually my first REAL relationship, we were mature in our relationship, there were some ups and downs, but we always knew we had each other. But this girl, she was so jealous that I had him, that she was doing everything possible to break us up. Me and Jacob were on a little break, me and that girl went to a birthday party together and apparently I was flirting with a guy she liked, so she left and had Jacob pick her up. The next day I went to a family friends across the street, Laura (best friend) and that girl show up, she had hickeys on her neck that were obviously trying to be hidden. I ran to my house and Laura came over, I was balling historically cause I knew they were from Jacob, I asked Laura, "did they have sex?" She said no. I was so upset, more then upset, I was devastated. I gave him another chance, it was Halloween. I went to a friends house with a few people, Laura was there. She handed the phone to me, it was that girl. She told me about how Jacob picked her up and spent the night with him because she had nowhere else to go, she said "and we had sex" I sad "what did you say?" "we had sex" I threw the phone at the wall, I screamed, I went outside and yelled, "I want to die" over and over, Laura held me, told me to calm down and that everything will be okay. I called Jacob, freaking out so bad, telling him I hate him, that i never want to see him again, he was devastated. we were at the kitchen table, Laura got a text from that girl saying "Jacob told me he was going to kill himself cause of me" I called Jacob and he wouldn't answer, so I left him a voice mail telling him, "I love you, you're okay, I'm sorry" it was too late, but I didn't know that. We went down town and I called Amber, his sister (who was 8 1/2 months pregnant) what he told ally and she said she'd call her dad, the friends mom said, "where does he live" I said blush hill, why? She said cause one of the fire fighters said there was a woman on blush hill who called saying her boyfriends son went into the woods casually, and 10 minuets later, she heard 2 gunshots. I screamed, I kept saying "you need to get the **** to his house now" She drove there, I jumped out the care, puked within 5 minuets of crying. I saw an ambulance in his driveway, I ran to Ann (step mom) and hugged her, balling, heaving, saying I'm sorry over and over, and that it was all my fault. I asked if he was in there, she said "no, they're trying to find him" I fell to the ground, I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to think, but Laura stayed by my side. Ann was trying to calm me down, I went to his stairs in front of his house, I sad down, shaking, scared, wondering why. I went inside, his dad and a few family members were in there, I gave his dad a hug and just cried, I couldn't help but to think everyone blamed me, but he told me not to ever blame myself for this. I kept making myself believe that he was okay, that he just ran off and was coming back, but my sister showed up (best friends with Amber) and she sat me down and told me it's okay, that Jacob was in a better place, and I screamed, I kept saying no he's alive still. I've never cried that much in my life. I stayed at Lauras that night, but that girl just had to come cause she was so upset and blaming herself, I was too sad to care. I went to school the very next day, not even one minuet inside the building, and i drop to me knees and start balling, they had a room where people went to cry and vent, there were so many people in there. Pissed me off cause there were also ******** in there who didn't even know him, and only went in there to get out of class, I wanted to deck them in the face with an ax. It was so much to handle, every hug I got, I'd cry some more and harder, from that day on, I cried every single day multiple times for almost two months, Jacobs death was the first death in my life, besides my grandma but that didn't effect me much. I got multiple messages from people I didn't even know telling me I killed Jacob, there were rumors going around that I told him to do it, that I watched him do it and didn't try and stop, that I personally handed him the gun and told him to do it. Those rumors still haunt me to this day. I still blame myself to this day, if it weren't for me, I bet he'd still be alive, it's all because I had to yell at him, I had to accuse him of something that I wasn't even 100% sure about. I became depressed obviously, I began to cut, from December 2011, to September 2012, and a few times after, but I haven' t in a while. Depression has really ****** me over, feeling sad is more of a comfort feeling the being happy. Sometimes I miss cutting, sometimes I miss crying everyday, sometimes I just want to end it all, but i couldn't do that to my friends and family, I couldn't put them through what Jacob put his family and friends through, but sometimes, almost all the time, I wonder, and think about what life would be like without me, what people would say, or do. Would people miss me? would people not even care? I don't understand anything. I mostly think those things because, I trust no one, I believe no one, I am pretty sure I have 1 real friend right now, and I'm so thankful for her. Times like these where I wish everyone loved me, but now a days, either I'm hated, or talked badly about.
bubblyrainbows bubblyrainbows
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 11, 2012

cheer up hun.

i'm so sorry for you.... I hope that one day i will be as strong as you are right now ..