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The Cycle

So many times I have thought that I could just control it better, and sometimes I even thought to myself, that maybe it was getting better... Every time it hits me it gets worse. Every year, every season... I cannot keep myself contained, the sobs that seep out of my mouth stop me at every moment, then I fix myself up before anyone may randomly show up around me--because I don't want to cry, I am so tired of crying. I spend my days alone apart from my family. What makes things worse my anger seems to be easily triggered by tiny things once again. I can't control it. I've noticed I've also been eating a lot more lately, something I never had done before in any other cycle. My sleep schedule is totally out of whack. My body is so sore at every time of the day. I have stopped doing everything I need to do in school, I will have decreased by GPA substantially by doing these things and if they continue, what's else is there to do? I've stopped doing everything simple really. My mind is so fcked, I've been writing nonsense on almost everything... With the new year coming up, it makes me feel more of a piece of sht every day. Not to mention everyone has been abandoning me. Not like I shouldn't be used to it. The only people who try to be near is my family but my anger gets in the way of that. I have no one and nothing to look forward, I've already ruined my future enough, I even prolonged everything I'm supposed to be doing to get into college and applying for certain things with deadlines, I damage any of the relations I have...not to mention apparently I don't meet the approval of some people, which I will never do it seems. The people who seem to admire me don't even really know me. It's all a lie I've found it to be. I'll just never be good enough for the world. I guess I always knew I was going to die in the end, even maybe I thought it around this time previous times. The thing is that I don't want to die. The reasons why I live is because of the people around me, but that solid ground is quickly diminishing right under me as bad of a person that makes me seem...I think I'm done with it all. I don't even know why I fight anything anymore. 
emdi emdi 18-21, F Dec 29, 2012

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