Wanting To Die

I've been depressed for a while. It comes waves. I'll be perfectly happy one day and the next, my friend will have made a joke at my expense and although she doesn't think it would affect me at all, it does. It really does.

It's not always an offhand joke that will trigger it though. Sometimes it will be my mum getting angry at me for something that's not my fault, maths homework that I just can't work out, or sometimes every when I can't get my hair to sit right.

It's times like these, when I'm really upset, that I start to ask myself the big question. What's the point? What's the point in me living? Getting up every single day just to continue feeling bad about myself, to feel like no matter how hard I try I can never live up to other people's expectations. In the long run, the world wouldn't be effected at all. It's not like I'll accomplish anything in my life time that will change the future.

So I consider what would happen if I really did die. If I killed myself. And it just seems like it would be too unfair for my family, my friends. They didn't ask for me to die. They wouldn't even know that I wanted to die. So why should I kill myself and hurt them so badly when it's not their fault that I'm a nutjob?

The idea of dying just seems too unappealing. I don't want to have to slit my wrists just to finally stop feeling like this every day. I just want it to stop.

I don't want to die. I just don't want to live.
primulaceae primulaceae
18-21, F
Jan 5, 2013