Self Harm And Addiction.

First off, recently I have fallen into deep depression . And with fallen deep into depression, my next illness has awoken . Self Harm and Addiction. Now, I am not really sure where to begin but I will speak based on what I think i should share.

I enjoy smoking weed, and when I am unable to get it or make enough money to get my worth ,I turn to infliction. My mom asks me what the purpose is (both addictions), but really she would never understand , unless she was in my shoes. IT's not like one day I woke and suddenly decided " THIS" was something I just wanted to do for the hell of it or the attention , for that matter. No, it was more like one day i woke up and realized my sadness was deepening and I just wanted something to numb this pain instead of taking pills and feeling on edge all the time or a happiness that felt false. So, at the time thats what came to mind.

My friend introduced me to weed, followed by brother and so forth. And oh my god did it feeel great! I was able to smoke,feel content with the short effects of calmness, and ect but i was happy with it .IT was anything better then taking my meds or having to face reality when i didnt want too, you know? But as most drug addicts will admit, i began to need it more and more to the point that i needed to smoke every day. Which now leaves me to the present.

I can no longer afford my habit so now it seems i turn back to my old ways. I wanna to feel a different pain. Or shall i say i just want to see myself hurt ? I basically love the after effects and what it does for me , self infliction. Now when I saw this I mean its not big at all , but I'm still doing it. I just give myself a little/light slice, almost like a paper cut as watch my small drips of my blood that follow .I actually sit and watch it as it drips and then when it stops bleeding , i do another until i feel content of the sting is like a "och " at a certain point.

I know this is wrong but it seems whether i try to fight it , I lose. I'm sure all this links to me being depressed, but who knows? I'll let those who can relate decide with me.
emoness25 emoness25
22-25, F
Jan 10, 2013