I'm Saying It Here.

I'm depressed. I'm saying it here, because I don't say it anywhere else. My friends and family will ask me how I'm doing, and part of my brain screams at me to tell them how I really feel. How empty I am inside. But I don't. I never do. I can't. I don't want them to know. I don't want their attention. I don't want to bother them.

So I'm saying it here. Where I can be anonymous. Some days I feel numb, other days I feel sad beyond belief. I was seeing a therapist. He really helped a lot. I am poor, and he knew it. So he only charged $60 a session. But now even that has become too expensive, and I haven't seen him for about three months.

I won't take medicine. My doctor gave me some something, but I'm too afraid to take it. I wrote too many papers in college about how neuroleptic drugs can negatively affect the mind. And I know those statistics are really more for long term use of the drugs, but I still worry. I like my dopamine receptor.

So I just try to muddle through. I can't be depressed forever, right?....right?
WhateverFace WhateverFace
18-21
2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

I guess a lot of people have an emptiness inside of them, in one form or another, that they are trying to fill. It seems to be easier for some than others. I hope you find something that makes you happy, or at least eases your depression.

I can relate. I've been depressed off and on for about four years and I've never once talked to any of my friends or family about it. I'm used to being the "strong one" in my family, always have been since I was a kid. And my friends, I know they see me as some kind of light hearted guy. I don't want those things to change, and most of all I don't want any pity from anybody.

For me, therapy didn't work. It seemed like they tried to teach me cognitive tricks for feeling better when the root causes of the depression were/are: life in general is hard sometimes, and bad things can happen to good people.

I haven't and won't ever take drugs, like you don't. Any kind of drug designed to alter your mind is scary to me. Its like intentionally trying to control who I am... I don' t like the concept. Because I'm not crazy, I'm not a bad person, I'm just depressed sometimes and overwhelmed with life.

So, I just muddle through. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm depressed for months, but I guess it could be worse. Sorry if this was rambling too much or didn't relate enough... I guess I just was trying to say I know where you're coming from and sometimes it seems to get better.

Thanks for responding. It brought me a smile. It's nice to know someone has heard me.

The therapy depends on the kind. Some of them(therapists) just want to shove medicine down you, or treat you like a lab rat. Sometimes they're just really unhelpful. I went through three or four before I found the one I connected with. And he admitted that life just sucks, and that's why I feel bad. He mostly helps by just listening, responding, and offering me new perspectives and ideas about how to look at and deal with life.

Unfortunately, my depression only seems to be getting worse. Been steadily going downhill for about a year. But I'm still holding out for hope that things will get better. Thanks for the kind words.They were much appreciated.

I'm glad my response made you smile, and I'm sorry your depression seems to be getting worse.

I want to share one more thing. I have no idea if you identify with this idea (I'm not saying it applies to you), just one thing that helps me sometimes is remembering the saying "the sun also rises." If I'm feeling really bad and I don't have any energy to do anything else, I think about that phrase. I learned it in the context of losing somebody- the saying acknowledges that there are sunsets, there is darkness. Even for long periods of time (like the midnight sun in an arctic winter, dark for six months). But the sun also rises. Healing, birth, growth. That the little light on the horizon, no matter how dim, is worth hanging on for, fighting through to see.

Thinking about how "the sun also rises" doesn't do a lot in a practical sense, but its a simple mantra that's helped me frame my life, my experiences, and it has helped me cope better than I used to.

Thank you, that's a beautiful phrase and I'll be sure to remember it.