Thoughts From The Past

I get into these moods sometimes, they’re pretty sporadic. It just happens, the slightest trigger of well anything and boom I go from high to low. I could be the happiest man alive one second the next I feel useless, and I have a glaring sense of self hate and I feel hurt like I’ve been hurt.
I want to inflict some of that hurt, I feel like everyone around me hates me. I feel despair and sadness and I want to cry for no reason at all. There’s also the anger. It’s scorchingly bad. It consumes me utterly and it’s like I lose control, it’s not me in the driving seat, I become the passenger.
When I was going out with my girlfriend this occurred often. I’d just have one of these extreme mood lapses and my day was ruined. I’d go silent, not say a word to her all day.
It’s like I was punishing her for something, I didn’t mean to. She always worried I was angry with her. I was angry but not with her, but everything and nothing I don’t know why I was angry I just was.
I felt like an arse, apologised when I felt better and she’d always forgive me. I never forgave myself.
When we were forced to break up. I couldn’t shift my awful mood for days. I remember not speaking to her or looking at her, I remember I felt like I had lost everything. It crushed me in a way that I felt so numb I couldn’t do anything but seeth.
We still talk we are now sort of friends, almost bf and gf but not quite technically we aren’t suppossed to be together.
It happened today, except it lasted all day. I tried to shift it, I could see in her eyes she thought she’d done something. She hadn’t. I didn’t say a word to her all day till the end of the day then I apologised. She was angry of course she had every right to be.
I love her but I can’t control my insanity.
It makes me feel worthless, I wish for death like it’s Christmas, but why? When I’m cheery you wouldn’t think I would.
Normally I feel melancholy, my mood barely rises above a certain level unless I see her. I haven’t spoken to my friends since I lost her. I don’t return calls or texts. I avoid everyone, after all who could like me. Who could care? I mean why does she care?
I often think it’s one big joke and I’m the butt of it. She couldn’t possibly love me.. I know she does but my mind refuses to believe it
I think I’m insane.
I think I chased her away when I told her today how I feel. She probably thinks I’m a freak. I am. She kissed me for the first time after, first time since…
But I didn’t believe it.
I’m constantly in fear of her leaving, It worries my every waking moment.
I think its cause my mum left me for 5 years as a kid. I’ve never been able to get over it.
I’ve avoided my counsellor for a month cause I don’t want to talk to her. She’s just a robot what does she know!
I’m angry now. I can’t write anymore.
I’m broken, I need a fix.
NofaceMichael NofaceMichael
18-21, M
Jan 10, 2013