I'm Not Sure What I Will Say...

I'm not sure what I am going to write about, I guess it will just come to me.  I am depressed, I am sad, I need to express myself but I am so alone.  Yes, I am married but it's hard for me to lay this at my husband's feet.  He already has so much on him that I don't want to add more to it. 

Overall, I don't think I have ever been a really happy person.  Some days, yes I am happy but most I am not.  I feel as if I am just alive, taking up space and oxygen, not good for anything.  I guess I need to tell you a little about myself first...

I am 27 years old, female and married.  I have no children, just animals to love.  I am currently unemployed and searching for work.  I have stomach problems (I have been to a couple different doctors and now have a couple different diagnosis but the medication they give me is not working).  The medication I am on does not allow me to drive.  It messes with my judgment. I run into door frames a lot, fall down stairs, roll out of the bed, walk into trees sometimes.  My husband and I used to own a business in a small tourist area on the East Coast.  That business has went under and due to the lack of income we are currently loosing our home.  We were told they would foreclose on our house back in March/April so we moved out.  We moved back to my hometown for a few months while we looked for work.  Of course, we couldn't find anything at all.  My husband found a job in his hometown so we moved in with my in-laws and started fixing up a single wide trailer.  I don't get along with my in-laws but they have been pretty good about helping us out.  His mother has gotten exactly what she wants and that is her son under her roof.  When the trailer gets ready we will be across the street so she is happy and oh so sweet and I am miserable!  I hate this town.  There are no jobs here unless I want to go back to school to be a truck driver or a nurse.  I don't want to be either and don't have the money to go back to school.  I don't know anyone in this area because the few people I have met or worst than I am! A lot of drugs, drinking, and hopelessness is all I see.  I don't do drugs or drink and I have enough hopelessness.

Sometimes, I get the feeling, the thought, just to end my life.  The pain would stop, the hurt, the worthlessness feeling would end.  I would quit being a burden on my husband, his family, my family.  If I wasn't here nothing would really change for anyone but me.  Yeah my mother-in-law would probably was my husband's clothes for him instead of me and he would have to find someone else to give him sex but that's it.  My dogs, who I spend most of my time with would probably miss me the most, to be honest.  They wouldn't have anyone to sleep with them all day or hand out treats.  But I am sure they would be okay.  What's the point of living?  What makes a life worth living?  I have promised myself and my husband that I would never do that.  I would never kill myself, but why not?  I had a friend, my first love long ago who did.  I hurt for the longest time and still think about him once in a while.  But you know what?  His family has moved on and so have I.  I think about him once in a while but it doesn't hurt as bad as it once did.  So if I left, wouldn't it be the same?  My husband may grieve for a little while but then he would move on to someone better than I am. 

But then, some days I don't want to die.  I want to live, I want to be happy.  I see other people and they are happy and they have a reason to be alive.  I want to be like them.  I want to laugh and enjoy life.  I want to experience so many different things and I want to be whole.  I want to be...but how can I be when I just sleep...I sleep to fight the loneliness, the pain, the hurt, the thoughts that run through my head.  I don't want to sleep my life away but that is what I am doing and the medicine I am on (all 6 of the different pills) make me sleep.  Some days I can not hold my eyes open.  I have met some wonderful people in life, people who one could really call a friend, people I need.  Do I talk to them much? No Do I return the friendship? No I want to so bad but something stops me.  I had friends when we lived at the beach.  Wonderful friends who were always there for me.  Have i kept in touch with them? No It seems like it takes to much energy and for what?  Will they realize that I am worthless and reject me?  I don't add anything to their lives so they are probably better off without me.  But, Lord, I need something and I don't know what.  I need so deeply but what can it be?  I need peace, I need love, I need to be someone I like, someone I can love, someone I like to be around.  I need to be someone but how can I do that?  I don't know.  How do I stop the tears?  How do I stop the pain, both physical and mental?  How can I be happy?  You know it's like I am no one from the time my husband goes to work until he comes home.  If he works late then am just here until he gets home.  Once he is home, I become his wife.  I heat his food (his mother cooks supper for everyone because his family doesn't like the way I cook), I wash his clothes on Thursdays while he is working and the rest of the time it's just me and the dogs until he gets home.  Oh I have many different activities I love to do, however, with my current living situation, it is very hard to do them to get my mind off of everything.  I love to do genealogy, I like to take pictures, I like to bake, I like to paint, scrapbook, my cards, the works.  I am not very good at anything I do, but I enjoy it.  I love to read but I have read so much that I am getting bored with it.  What can I do?  How can I become a person and not just my husband's wife?

beaglewoman beaglewoman
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 15, 2008

First of all, I want to tell you Noahbody123 is very smart, listen to this advice. Second, you're lucky to have a husband who is still with you. When I got sick, mine booked. He actually met someone on the internet and had her ensconced in an apt right by where we live and had been spending a lot of time with her, I figured this out later. He then told me he was having a nervous breakdown because he was under so much stress and needed some time alone. I sat home alone, worried and crying about him. He would contact me occasionally. Then I called a phone number I found somewhere and a woman answered. I have no idea how long he had been with her, but I found an item by googling where she gave her name and said they were having troubles, 2008. I'm pretty confused, pretty depressed. You are so lucky to have a husband who stands by you. Do get some help for the depression, do get out and see people. A lot of people I love are on antidepressants and they swear by them. Best of luck to you.

I don't know where you're at now, but I actually got on some medication that helped because I had similar feelings. It's not a magic pill that makes you instantly happy, but it sure took a weight off my shoulders. I know the last thing you want to do is take another medication, but maybe you could try it and see??<br />
Take care.